A Letter To My Father

First off I want to tell you that I love you. You have always been a huge part of my life and I want that to continue but there are some things I need to say to you that aren't going to be easy for you to hear. But these are things that I need to say to you. I feel that if we are ever going to get back to where we were I need to clear the air, and I can only hope that you listen and take to heart what I am saying to you. Please don't take this as a daughter complaining about a parent because that is not what this is. This letter in many ways is what I see as the only way to get through to you. Many people have told me that I may be the only one that you would listen to, that if you knew the way I felt about the way you have been acting that maybe it would wake you up and help you to change...

That being said......

The way you have be behaving is simply unacceptable, When mom died you were not the only one she left behind and I don't think you see it that way. You have been using her death as an excuse to continue drinking and acting selfishly and childish. You are supposed to be the parent in this relationship and for the last 16 months I have often felt that I was the parent and you my teenage son. In the beginning I could look the other way and say "well that is just how he has always dealt with problems" But that excuse is no longer holding up.


Christmas really opened my eyes to how you have been living. When I walked into your house that morning and saw what it looked like and how you have been living it made me very sad and very angry at the same time. You can feed me all the stories and excuses of why there were so many beer cans and why the dishes were still in the sink and why you were passed out on the couch, why you didn't answer the door or the phone. You can tell me how late you were up the night before. It wasn't that you were drinking you said you just stayed up late. But I am calling Bullshit. That morning at 11:30 I stood on your porch with your mother and my boyfriend, ready to spend Christmas with my father. But I never got the chance did I? Even while banging on the door I was willing the day to turn out differently than I knew it would. Wishing that you wouldn't disappoint me like you have done so much this past year, But when you didn't answer I knew why. I knew what I would see when I walked in the door I just somehow knew.

Do you know how embarrassing that was for me. to stand in your kitchen among all those beer cans with my boyfriend, who by the way gave you the benefit of the doubt for so long, until you proved to even him that nope, you weren't going to be ok, and you were going to fall apart and fall back on your old habits. I was so ashamed to have him see you passed out on the couch. To have him see into that part of my life. That wasn't the first time I have seen you like that. And I'm sure it won't be the last time you end up like that but that day, that time, was the very last time I will see you like that. The thing that ran through my mind when I saw you there on the couch was all the times mom saw you like that. All the times you disappointed her when you drank before a holiday get together that she had worked so hard to make perfect. It just made me so mad at you for all that she had to put up with. And that was when I said to myself that I was not going to put up with it. I was going to have a life without all that being an alcoholic brings into the equation.

The thing that made me so angry at you that morning was that you made the choice. You knew what time we would be there, you knew that this was our Christmas together. And you chose to pick up the bottle the night before. You chose to not set an alarm and get up and take a shower and be ready for us to be there. You chose. No one made you drink. No one made you. You let this happen. You have slowly let my mother's house go to shit. You have let your drinking come between you and your family. That was all you. No one else. And I think that is also what made me so sad that morning. That house was what you and mom worked so hard for all your lives. It was finally a place that was yours a place that had a yard and a garage. A place to be proud of. And now it is a mess. It is a place to flop at the end of the day. A place to have some beers and watch the big screen. You have turned the last place my mother lived into a place I no longer recognize.

Another reason I was so sad was that it wasn't always like this. We used to be so close. I remember sitting up late with you and just talking about life. I miss that. I miss being able to spend time with you without wondering if you are hung over or just waiting for me to leave to have another beer. You are not the father I have known and loved my whole life. The man who took me fishing and Camping. and stayed up all hours of the night listening to me talk all about my life and what I hoped it would become. That man is gone.

I want you to ask yourself one question and if the answer is yes than I will stop this letter and I will continue my life without you as I have been doing since that Christmas eve morning. If mom were still here, if she were around to see you acting this way would you be? Would you be drinking your nights away? Would you be alienating your family? Would you be living in a pig sty? I think the answers to those questions would all be no. I understand that mom was your rock, you reason for living. I know that you stayed sober for her for the most part. But just imagine what she would think if she could see you now. I want you to find the strength to live for her even if she isn't here to keep you on the right path. She would hate to see you like this. She would cry if she knew we had drifted apart. I wish I could give you the strength you need, the strength you found in her, but I am not my mother and I am not your mother. I am not going to hold your hand and walk you through all the choices and decisions you need to make, and you need to make some hard ones pretty quickly. You are an adult. You are my father. And it's time you start acting like it.

This is what I am saying to you the reason for this letter, I am sorry to have to say it but it seems to be the only way. As long as you continue on the path you are on, the drinking, the wallowing, the childish and selfish behavior, I can not be in your life. If you can pull yourself up by your bootstraps find that strength you need within yourself and get your life back on track then I would love to be in it. But if you can't do that then I can not be in your life. I can not and will not sit idly by while you dig yourself deeper into the hole you are in. Sorry to be so blunt but the time for pussyfooting around has long since past. I can not condone the way you are living your life. Nor can I have you in mine like this.

So you have a choice to make. And I can only hope that you will make the right one. But if you do I want you to do it for yourself. Do it so you don't miss out on anymore of life than you already have. Do it so you can walk me down the aisle and play with your grandchildren. Do it so when you get to where ever it is that we go when we leave this world you can look my mother in the eye and say I did the best I could, it was hard as hell but somehow I made it the rest of the through way without you.

No matter what you decide know that I love you. Know that this letter was written with love and a hope that you do see how much your life has changed and that you are ready to make the change. The first step will be the hardest but if you take the next will be just a little bit easier and the next and the next.

I love you **your daughter**