Song On Repeat
From the very first moment I saw you Thats when I knew
All the dreams I held in my heart Had suddenly come true
Knock me over stone cold sober Not a thing I could say or do
cause baby when I'm walking with you now my eyes are so wide
Like you reached right into my head and turned on the light inside
Turning on the light
Inside my mind
Come on baby its all right
Sunday Monday day or night
Red to blue or white its plain to see
Be mine Be mine
Rainy shiny night or day
Whats the difference anyway
Baby till your heart belongs to me
If I had some influence girl With the powers that be
I'd have them fire that arrow at you Like they fired it right at me
And maybe when your heart and soul are burning You might see
That every time I'm talking with you It's always over too soon
That everyday feels so incomplete Till you walk into the room
Say the word now girl
I'll jump that moon
Come on baby its ok
Rainy shiny night or day
Theres nothing in the way now Don't you see
Be mine Be mine
Winter summer day or night
Centigrade of fairenheit
Baby till your heart belongs to me
Be mine Be mine
Thursday Friday short or long
When you got a love so strong
How could it be wrong now mercy me
Be mine Be mine
Jumpin' Jesus holy cow!
Whats the difference anyhow
Baby till your heart belongs to me
Be Mine- David Gray
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Scribblings
No longer bitter
But not so sweet
No longer broken
But still a little chipped
No longer faded
But still less than bright
No longer a girl
But now a woman
A woman who knows the burn of pain
And now the soothing balm of love
A woman who is familiar with a frown
But now prefers a smile
A woman who was skeptical
But is now a proud believer
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You are the man I always wanted but never thought I could have
The dream I would rush to sleep to have
And fight the daylight to keep
The prayer I would whisper to the moon from my childhood bedroom
The Wish I made on every first star I saw
You are the prize
The trophy
The golden apple
You are everything I never knew I always wanted
And I am still pinching myself to make sure you are real
To let myself know that you are not some figment of my imagination
A day dream that I will soon be pulled out of
And I take comfort in knowing that you are real
And that you are mine
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Come home from work
Slip off your shoes
Drop your keys on the counter
Slide off your shorts
Pull off your shirt
And come to me
Let me be you calm
Allow me to sooth the day away
Rub the stress from your shoulders
Kiss the worry from you brow
Let me lend an ear to bend
A shoulder to cry on
Let me be a safe haven
Tell me your fears and fantasies
Fully knowing I will never judge
And promise to be all these things for me in turn
Be my solace
Be my Friend
Be my love
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I want to lay under a round roof with you
I want to walk in the rain and hold your fingers to my lips
I want to see movies other people don't get, and get them with you
I want to see you grow older and more wise
I want to watch our dreams come true
I want to like coffee for you
I want to wake up next to you every morning knowing I'll be back under the sheets with you by nightfall
I want to cook bad food and have you tell me it's bad
I want shower visits for the rest of my life
I want to rub your feet after a long day
I want to watch grey clouds blow in and never once run for cover
I want to say goodnight every night with a kiss and an I love you no matter how tired we are
I want to be strong but know that it is ok to be weak
I want to say 'I do' looking squarely in you eyes
I want to feel your old, arthritic fingers wrapped around mine
I want to love you until the day that I die and I want you to be happy until the day that you do
No longer bitter
But not so sweet
No longer broken
But still a little chipped
No longer faded
But still less than bright
No longer a girl
But now a woman
A woman who knows the burn of pain
And now the soothing balm of love
A woman who is familiar with a frown
But now prefers a smile
A woman who was skeptical
But is now a proud believer
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You are the man I always wanted but never thought I could have
The dream I would rush to sleep to have
And fight the daylight to keep
The prayer I would whisper to the moon from my childhood bedroom
The Wish I made on every first star I saw
You are the prize
The trophy
The golden apple
You are everything I never knew I always wanted
And I am still pinching myself to make sure you are real
To let myself know that you are not some figment of my imagination
A day dream that I will soon be pulled out of
And I take comfort in knowing that you are real
And that you are mine
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Come home from work
Slip off your shoes
Drop your keys on the counter
Slide off your shorts
Pull off your shirt
And come to me
Let me be you calm
Allow me to sooth the day away
Rub the stress from your shoulders
Kiss the worry from you brow
Let me lend an ear to bend
A shoulder to cry on
Let me be a safe haven
Tell me your fears and fantasies
Fully knowing I will never judge
And promise to be all these things for me in turn
Be my solace
Be my Friend
Be my love
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I want to lay under a round roof with you
I want to walk in the rain and hold your fingers to my lips
I want to see movies other people don't get, and get them with you
I want to see you grow older and more wise
I want to watch our dreams come true
I want to like coffee for you
I want to wake up next to you every morning knowing I'll be back under the sheets with you by nightfall
I want to cook bad food and have you tell me it's bad
I want shower visits for the rest of my life
I want to rub your feet after a long day
I want to watch grey clouds blow in and never once run for cover
I want to say goodnight every night with a kiss and an I love you no matter how tired we are
I want to be strong but know that it is ok to be weak
I want to say 'I do' looking squarely in you eyes
I want to feel your old, arthritic fingers wrapped around mine
I want to love you until the day that I die and I want you to be happy until the day that you do
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Hold My Hand
And I Will Be There When You Wake.
She comes home late after work. He is already in bed. She slips off her shoes at the door. Steps softly over the kitchen floor and as quietly as possible opens the bedroom door. She sets her glasses on the shelf. Takes off her rings. Her clothes land in a noiseless pile on the floor. She lifts the corner of the covers. Slides between the cool sheets of her side of their bed. As soon as her head touches the pillow he stirs. His 'I love you' is slurred with sleep and his touch is gentle He pulls her to him and cradles her in his arms. Little kisses and sleepy I love yous lull her to sleep. Her last thought is 'I am happy'
The next morning his alarm goes off too early for her. She is half asleep when he comes to say goodbye. Now it's her turn to mutter sleepy I love yous and hug his neck with heavy arms as he leans over the bed. He pulls the covers up a little higher like he does every morning. Making sure she is comfortable. She sleeps uneasliy after he leaves, she always does. After an hour and a half of tossing and looking to the clock every five minutes she gets out of bed. She shuffles into the kitchen to check for notes. He often leaves one or two. She peaks around the corner and there it is a little green post it on the table.She smiles and goes into the bathroom. She comes out and peaks at the note but not quite reading it yet. She does this sometimes. She has beakfast and some tea. Saving the note. When she can not wait anymore she sits at the table. As she reads the familar words 'I love you so much' she smiles and thinks 'I am happy'
And I Will Be There When You Wake.
She comes home late after work. He is already in bed. She slips off her shoes at the door. Steps softly over the kitchen floor and as quietly as possible opens the bedroom door. She sets her glasses on the shelf. Takes off her rings. Her clothes land in a noiseless pile on the floor. She lifts the corner of the covers. Slides between the cool sheets of her side of their bed. As soon as her head touches the pillow he stirs. His 'I love you' is slurred with sleep and his touch is gentle He pulls her to him and cradles her in his arms. Little kisses and sleepy I love yous lull her to sleep. Her last thought is 'I am happy'
The next morning his alarm goes off too early for her. She is half asleep when he comes to say goodbye. Now it's her turn to mutter sleepy I love yous and hug his neck with heavy arms as he leans over the bed. He pulls the covers up a little higher like he does every morning. Making sure she is comfortable. She sleeps uneasliy after he leaves, she always does. After an hour and a half of tossing and looking to the clock every five minutes she gets out of bed. She shuffles into the kitchen to check for notes. He often leaves one or two. She peaks around the corner and there it is a little green post it on the table.She smiles and goes into the bathroom. She comes out and peaks at the note but not quite reading it yet. She does this sometimes. She has beakfast and some tea. Saving the note. When she can not wait anymore she sits at the table. As she reads the familar words 'I love you so much' she smiles and thinks 'I am happy'
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
There Must Be Some Misunderstanding
There Must Be Some Kind Of Mistake
It's been two months and four days and the words "your mother just passed" still haven't sunken in.
Some days it seems as if she's still there. In her little house that she worked for so long to get. I'll wake up in the morning and picture her sitting at the table having her first cup of coffee. But even this memory isn't correct. I am thinking of her in our old house, where we lived when I was in high school. Long before she knew she was sick. Back when our little lives were so unaffected by something as big as cancer. Every morning she'd wake up early. Go downstairs. Make coffe. And then she'd call up to me through the heating vent. "hey kidamaroo time to get up" always and I mean every day 3 minutes before my alarm was set to go off. It used to drive me crazy. Now I wish I could hear her voice one more time, for ten more seconds. Even if it was at 6:07 am.
For such a long time after she was diagnosed I tried to pretend it wasn't that big of a deal. I never really took the time to understand that all those moments really were worth treasuring. the times we spent pulling weeds. The day we made cookies and watched "desk set" on amc. the day I told her I was in love with Matt and she smiled and told me how happy she was. I guess it was my way of positive thinking, I'm not saying I was right about this, but I just thought if I don't think she's sick she won't be. I know she was happy that her being sick never stopped any of us from living our lives, but looking back on it now I wish I had stayed home more often. Played rummy with her, like I used to when I was little. She always let me call my own rummies and she let me change my mind about what I wanted to discard.
I feel so selfish now, looking back on how I dealt with it all. I was too concerned with the fact that I was losing my mom to think about her. She had to look at all of us everyday and know she was dying. Well, in the begining she was optimistic, we all were. But by the time the drugs stopped working and the doctor told us that her body couldn't handle chemo again I think she began to doubt. I think we all did.
My mother was pronouced dead on October 29, 2005 at 1:24 in the morning. But the truth is she died before that. In the last weeks of her life she slipped away quietly. At first it was just that she was losing weight. Then she couldn't really form sentences the way she wanted to, she couldn't think of the words she wanted to use. Shortly after she started reliving the past in her head. She would talk about people she hadn't seen in 20 years as if they had just stopped by. She was asking about neighbors we had when I was 6. In one very clear moment when I had just gotten off the phone with Matt she asked "how is jeff doing?" Jeff was my boyfriend in high school. It was very hard for me to see my mother like this. My mother is the strongest woman I know. My mother was the woman who taught me how to be a fighter, how to stand up for what I believe in, how to have some integerity. And she spent the last weeks of her life wasting away on the couch and talking about her best friend from 4th grade.
When my mother died she weighed 126 pounds. She was bald and naked. She had over 60 tumors throughout her body. She was not my mother. I looked at this woman, this stranger lying there in the hospice bed surrounded by my family and all I could think was this woman is not my mother. There has been a mistake.
There Must Be Some Kind Of Mistake
It's been two months and four days and the words "your mother just passed" still haven't sunken in.
Some days it seems as if she's still there. In her little house that she worked for so long to get. I'll wake up in the morning and picture her sitting at the table having her first cup of coffee. But even this memory isn't correct. I am thinking of her in our old house, where we lived when I was in high school. Long before she knew she was sick. Back when our little lives were so unaffected by something as big as cancer. Every morning she'd wake up early. Go downstairs. Make coffe. And then she'd call up to me through the heating vent. "hey kidamaroo time to get up" always and I mean every day 3 minutes before my alarm was set to go off. It used to drive me crazy. Now I wish I could hear her voice one more time, for ten more seconds. Even if it was at 6:07 am.
For such a long time after she was diagnosed I tried to pretend it wasn't that big of a deal. I never really took the time to understand that all those moments really were worth treasuring. the times we spent pulling weeds. The day we made cookies and watched "desk set" on amc. the day I told her I was in love with Matt and she smiled and told me how happy she was. I guess it was my way of positive thinking, I'm not saying I was right about this, but I just thought if I don't think she's sick she won't be. I know she was happy that her being sick never stopped any of us from living our lives, but looking back on it now I wish I had stayed home more often. Played rummy with her, like I used to when I was little. She always let me call my own rummies and she let me change my mind about what I wanted to discard.
I feel so selfish now, looking back on how I dealt with it all. I was too concerned with the fact that I was losing my mom to think about her. She had to look at all of us everyday and know she was dying. Well, in the begining she was optimistic, we all were. But by the time the drugs stopped working and the doctor told us that her body couldn't handle chemo again I think she began to doubt. I think we all did.
My mother was pronouced dead on October 29, 2005 at 1:24 in the morning. But the truth is she died before that. In the last weeks of her life she slipped away quietly. At first it was just that she was losing weight. Then she couldn't really form sentences the way she wanted to, she couldn't think of the words she wanted to use. Shortly after she started reliving the past in her head. She would talk about people she hadn't seen in 20 years as if they had just stopped by. She was asking about neighbors we had when I was 6. In one very clear moment when I had just gotten off the phone with Matt she asked "how is jeff doing?" Jeff was my boyfriend in high school. It was very hard for me to see my mother like this. My mother is the strongest woman I know. My mother was the woman who taught me how to be a fighter, how to stand up for what I believe in, how to have some integerity. And she spent the last weeks of her life wasting away on the couch and talking about her best friend from 4th grade.
When my mother died she weighed 126 pounds. She was bald and naked. She had over 60 tumors throughout her body. She was not my mother. I looked at this woman, this stranger lying there in the hospice bed surrounded by my family and all I could think was this woman is not my mother. There has been a mistake.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)