If I Know It's Fire Why Do I Let It Burn My Hand

I had to see you. To hear your voice. To kiss you. To hold you. I called you, and we hung out in the guise of getting a drink. I surprised you, and myself a little, by saying we should skip the drink and just go up to your dad's. The drive up was just as I remembered. Long and curvy the weight of your hand on my thigh. The planes of your face changing with the passing headlights. Your kiss is the same. Hungry and breath taking. Your hands traced over the paths they always had. Our bodies fit together as if only minutes has passed since they were last tangled up together. We lied there in your bed, your arms around me, my leg thrown over yours, and it was just like it always had been. Me and you. There in your room no one else ever mattered. I fell into an easy sleep with you wrapped around me. I haven't slept that deep in months, I was always waking up alone and reaching out to nothing but pillows. Last night I didn't even have to reach, you were right there. Arms around me, feet twisted together. Snoring in my ear.

Sometime while the sun was rising I woke up and watched you sleeping. There in that thin November light what had happened the night before hit me. And I didn't expect to feel the way I did. It was strange because I remembered how I felt months ago when I would wake up in your bed, and that feeling was still there, a warmth that spread out from my chest. But now there was the knowledge that I gained over the last couple months mixing with it. I'm not saying I regret spending the night with you, because I really loved being there again. But there was that nagging feeling that I was there again, back in the rotation. The Wednesday girl. I don't know why I did it, don't get me wrong I'm glad I did... I just don't want to feel that way again. I don't want to feel used. I don't want to feel like one of the many. I don't think it will ever get back to what it was. I'm too smart for that now, and a little bit too scared. But I'm sure I will give in to the urge and call you, and we'll get tangled up together again even if only for that night. And I guess that is all I can expect now. A few nights of you here and there. Us being us, bad for each other, but unable to cut loose.