But Then If You're So Smart Tell Me Why Are You Still So Afraid
I spent Monday and Wednesday at the Marshall's in Springfield helping set up the new shoe department.... It was how do you say... Not fun.... I had to get up at 5:30 to be there at 7:00 I was not a happy camper.... It was a crappy beginning to the week but whatevs I got paid......
Saturday is my 21st birthday. I'm really not all that excited about it. Susan is coming home and we are gonna get haircuts and do some other fun stuff Which probably won't include doing shots at a bar somewhere. It's not that I'm not happy to be able to go out and drink now... It's just that I don't see the big deal I've been drinking for some time now and it's kinda lost it's thrill.....
Everyone keeps saying to me "Oh now that you can go out you are so going to meet someone" Like that is my goal in life... Yes now I can go out to the bars and meet someone... What a meaningful relationship that is going to be... Besides I don't even know if I want to meet someone .... We all know how well being with guys has turned out for me....
Well I guess that's it for now... My life is soo exciting.....I know you are all jealous.... No need to say it.... I can just tell......
Thursday, September 30, 2004
Wednesday, September 15, 2004
Home Life
Been Holding Out For The Home Life
My Whole Life
I think I'm gonna lay low for a while, we're moving on Saturday and I have to get everything all set before then..... And I think it will take a few days before the computer and everything is set up.... If you need me between now and whenever it is that I resurface you can call or email....
Been Holding Out For The Home Life
My Whole Life
I think I'm gonna lay low for a while, we're moving on Saturday and I have to get everything all set before then..... And I think it will take a few days before the computer and everything is set up.... If you need me between now and whenever it is that I resurface you can call or email....
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
Left My Heart Soaking Wet, Boy Your Boots Can Leave A Mess
Why did you even tell me. Why did you wait three fucking days to do it. If you knew on Saturday night you should've called on Sunday morning first thing.... Before the coffee was even done brewing. Instead of letting me think about you all weekend. Feeling so happy that you were using the word 'we' Thinking that I get to see you on Tuesday....That we would be going off to Worcester next weekend. I was happy with you, with us. I thought I felt a change in you. I thought I was going to be the one you chose. The one you decided to be with. Just me. I guess I was just hoping for too much. You didn't have to tell me any of the details. That only added to the pain. All you had to say was that you couldn't see me anymore, that you met someone else. You didn't have to tell me you feel like this is the girl you are going to marry. That you've NEVER felt like this about ANYONE. Thanks. I get it. see all this time I was thinking that you didn't want to be with any one person when really it was just that you didn't want to be with me. Why would you say all this shit to me knowing full well how I felt. And don't try and tell me that you didn't know. I was fucking falling in love with you. And you knew it. You had to have. If not you must me more stupid then you let on. I knew it was a bad idea to see you in the first place. I knew I would end up in a heap on my bed crying like it was the end of the world. I knew that you would hurt me like everyone else did. But I took the chance thinking 'maybe this time will be different' But apparently not.
You knew how hard it was for me to let you in. How much that took for me to let you see me how I was and not shy away. I let down every wall, I let you stroll right in, I knew I would end up crying and hurting but I took the chance.... Well this is the last time. That was it, I'm done. I was so happy I just don't understand I thought you were too. What I really don't get is why would you start seeing me again? After that week apart? When you knew. You fucking knew. This is so hard for me. I should have cut and run way back when. The first time you gave me goosebumps. The first time my stomach flipped for you. The first time I missed you. I should have got the hell out of it. But I wanted to stay. For the first time in my life I wanted to stay. And look where that got me. Hurt.
Why did you even tell me. Why did you wait three fucking days to do it. If you knew on Saturday night you should've called on Sunday morning first thing.... Before the coffee was even done brewing. Instead of letting me think about you all weekend. Feeling so happy that you were using the word 'we' Thinking that I get to see you on Tuesday....That we would be going off to Worcester next weekend. I was happy with you, with us. I thought I felt a change in you. I thought I was going to be the one you chose. The one you decided to be with. Just me. I guess I was just hoping for too much. You didn't have to tell me any of the details. That only added to the pain. All you had to say was that you couldn't see me anymore, that you met someone else. You didn't have to tell me you feel like this is the girl you are going to marry. That you've NEVER felt like this about ANYONE. Thanks. I get it. see all this time I was thinking that you didn't want to be with any one person when really it was just that you didn't want to be with me. Why would you say all this shit to me knowing full well how I felt. And don't try and tell me that you didn't know. I was fucking falling in love with you. And you knew it. You had to have. If not you must me more stupid then you let on. I knew it was a bad idea to see you in the first place. I knew I would end up in a heap on my bed crying like it was the end of the world. I knew that you would hurt me like everyone else did. But I took the chance thinking 'maybe this time will be different' But apparently not.
You knew how hard it was for me to let you in. How much that took for me to let you see me how I was and not shy away. I let down every wall, I let you stroll right in, I knew I would end up crying and hurting but I took the chance.... Well this is the last time. That was it, I'm done. I was so happy I just don't understand I thought you were too. What I really don't get is why would you start seeing me again? After that week apart? When you knew. You fucking knew. This is so hard for me. I should have cut and run way back when. The first time you gave me goosebumps. The first time my stomach flipped for you. The first time I missed you. I should have got the hell out of it. But I wanted to stay. For the first time in my life I wanted to stay. And look where that got me. Hurt.
Monday, September 13, 2004
If You Call My Name Out Loud
Do You Suppose That I Would Come Running
Do You Suppose I'd Come At All
I Suppose I Would
We decided not to see each other and I really was going to stick to that. Then you called me. You said 'Hey you' and I knew it wasn't over. I still got butterflies when I heard your voice. So when you asked me to hang out I knew exactly what was going to happen. And I was so happy. You came and picked me up and it was just like nothing had changed. That week apart may as well have been a few hours. We kissed as soon as we saw each other. Just the same. I took you to see my new house. The whole drive over your hand still floating from my thigh back to the wheel. Mine still resting on the back of your neck, my fingers absently playing with your hair. I missed you. More that I thought I was going to. I honestly thought I could do it. Cut and run, just drop all the feelings I had for you. Just like I had always done before. But this time was different. All last week I spent my days wondering what you were doing. Missing you. I wanted to call you about a thousand times. The thought that you probably weren't alone was what kept me from the phone.
I know that all the same problems still exist, they are still there right below the surface. Behind the smiles and little kisses. Just under the hand holding and personal jokes. We are still in the same place, me wanting to be with just you, you feeling like you can't do that. I know we need to talk about it but everytime there is a chance I don't want to ruin the time we are spending together with talk about other women and where this is going. I want to enjoy what we have. I want to laugh, and kiss, and touch, and joke with you without having tension between us. I want to be happy without thinking about the pain that is coming just around the next corner. This is a new thing for me. Wanting happiness. I used to run from it. Knowing that the smiles only ever brought on tears down the road. As of right now I just want to smile. I don't want to think about this ending. I want to enjoy it while it lasts however long that may be.
Do You Suppose That I Would Come Running
Do You Suppose I'd Come At All
I Suppose I Would
We decided not to see each other and I really was going to stick to that. Then you called me. You said 'Hey you' and I knew it wasn't over. I still got butterflies when I heard your voice. So when you asked me to hang out I knew exactly what was going to happen. And I was so happy. You came and picked me up and it was just like nothing had changed. That week apart may as well have been a few hours. We kissed as soon as we saw each other. Just the same. I took you to see my new house. The whole drive over your hand still floating from my thigh back to the wheel. Mine still resting on the back of your neck, my fingers absently playing with your hair. I missed you. More that I thought I was going to. I honestly thought I could do it. Cut and run, just drop all the feelings I had for you. Just like I had always done before. But this time was different. All last week I spent my days wondering what you were doing. Missing you. I wanted to call you about a thousand times. The thought that you probably weren't alone was what kept me from the phone.
I know that all the same problems still exist, they are still there right below the surface. Behind the smiles and little kisses. Just under the hand holding and personal jokes. We are still in the same place, me wanting to be with just you, you feeling like you can't do that. I know we need to talk about it but everytime there is a chance I don't want to ruin the time we are spending together with talk about other women and where this is going. I want to enjoy what we have. I want to laugh, and kiss, and touch, and joke with you without having tension between us. I want to be happy without thinking about the pain that is coming just around the next corner. This is a new thing for me. Wanting happiness. I used to run from it. Knowing that the smiles only ever brought on tears down the road. As of right now I just want to smile. I don't want to think about this ending. I want to enjoy it while it lasts however long that may be.
Tuesday, September 07, 2004
Movin' On Up
So we're moving. My mom dad and I are moving to Northampton. My sister is moving in with a friend in Montague. So long WE HA. No More Hat-Town for me. It's not a bad house it's just a lot smaller and it needs a lot of work. I'll be staying in the basement which is great because that is the only other requirement I have to check off on my 'I'm a loser who didn't go to college' card. I really don't have to energy to move all my shit to another place. We have to be out of here by October 1st. woo hoo ..... I'm so very very bla right now...... That's all I have to report.....
So we're moving. My mom dad and I are moving to Northampton. My sister is moving in with a friend in Montague. So long WE HA. No More Hat-Town for me. It's not a bad house it's just a lot smaller and it needs a lot of work. I'll be staying in the basement which is great because that is the only other requirement I have to check off on my 'I'm a loser who didn't go to college' card. I really don't have to energy to move all my shit to another place. We have to be out of here by October 1st. woo hoo ..... I'm so very very bla right now...... That's all I have to report.....
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