I Want You, But I Want You To Understand

So I've fallen harder for you then I thought I would. You with your never quite messy hair and top two buttons always undone. While I was gone I missed you in a way I didn't want to. Reluctantly but intensely none the less. I kept thinking how much better it would be if you were up there with me. Simple things would've just been a little bit cooler. Laying in the hammock would have been made better if you were laying in it next to me. Sleeping in a tent with you would have made the ground seem less hard and rocky. But you weren't up there and I was lonely and Drunk.

I found myself buzzy and in his tent. His arms around me, mine half heartedly around his neck. It felt wrong to me. Not wrong like I shouldn't be doing it, because you do it so why shouldn't I be able to, but wrong like it just didn't fit. His kiss was too soft and void of what I feel in yours. His face was soft where yours has always been rough-ish. We did have sex but it was so gentle that word doesn't even describe it correctly. It made me feel....Off. Not bad, but not good. Just a little off. It seemed that everything was just to the left or right of feeling good. His kisses weren't yours. His hands traced over the same places but there was no excitement left behind. I was going through the motions without any of the emotion that should be involved. Before you I didn't get that. Sex shouldn't always be just sex. It's nice to have the feelings in there with it. Nice to have eye contact and little kisses. I feel that with you.

Afterward I felt so horrible. I avoided him all the next day. Hiding myself away in the other room with a book and a few cds. It wasn't him. It was me. I felt like I had done something that was going to ruin everything I had back in Massachusetts. I spent most of the remaining time up there thinking about telling you and how you would react. I'll admit that part of me was thinking "hah now I've slept with someone else too" but it didn't make me feel that way. It made me feel really shitty.

When I got home. When I saw you, standing there in the glow of the street light. It hit me how much I really did miss you. I wanted to stand there hugging you all night. Breath in the scent of you. Run my hands through your hair. Nibble on your ear. Everything I missed for those five days I was without you. Later when we were alone and talking about the weekend I told you. Now you know how I feel about her and that situation. And maybe it's not going to stop you, but now at least when you go to call her or lean in to kiss her, you'll can remember that just last weekend I was doing the same thing. Someone else was looking down at me. Leaning in to whisper in my ear. Kissing my neck. Remember how you felt when I told you that. That low tug of jealousy. It's not fun.
It's not fun at all.