And This Little Masochist She's Ready To Confess All The Things That I Never Thought That She Could Feel

It seemed so surreal to me. I knew that this conversation or a version of it would eventually take place but I never thought it would be this soon. It was the little things that seemed to be magnified that made it real for me. The feel of your hand on my thigh, the smell of you all around me, the tan line between your thumb and first finger. The interior of your car, it's tan with little rainbow zig zags have you ever noticed? I was focusing so hard on these things trying not to really hear you. I didn't want those words to get into my head I didn't want to feel them. So when I heard them coming from my own mouth I was shocked.

'Do you not want to see me anymore because of this'

I knew the weight of that question. But I had to know. Those few seconds you took to answer me felt like life times. And my heart sank with each passing one.

'I still want to see you' pause

'I like you a lot' pause

'I just need to do some thinking' long pause.

Damage control took over then. I heard you but I didn't feel it right away. My tears came later. Sitting in my driveway. Still staring at the car door. Up. Down. Red. Orange. Up. Down. Yellow. Green. Up. Down. Blue. Purple. Up. Down. I hate to cry. I hate even more to cry in front of people. I hate it the most to cry in front of someone I like. But there was nothing I could do. I felt the tears coming and tried to hold them back, but the little bastards just snuck out.

I know he was married and that is a big issue. But it took you getting upset for me to see the problem with that. It was always something I wanted to do.

'Haven't you ever done something just to prove that you could'

pause 'I guess but not in that way'

I didn't regret it I didn't feel bad about it. Until I saw that it was changing what we are.

'I don't know if this can ever turn into a long term thing now'

Oh shit oh shit oh shit running through my head a million times a second. Here we go again. Classic. Trademark Emily shit. Be happy then fuck it up.

Just.
Like.
Always.

It got better. There in my driveway. Not tons, but taking a few steps toward the line between better and ok.

'I'm sorry'

'I know you are' pause

'but I don't know if you genuinely mean it'

I do. Believe that. If you can't believe anything else I said this afternoon take that as the truth. Take it as I meant it. I never would have done it if I thought this would be the result. We sat in your car me crying slowly and you telling me you still wanted to see me. At least I still had that. I just like you so much. It scares the shit out of me. Part of me did it to prove I still could, sleep with someone else that is. Like if I can then it means I don't like you as much as I do. I know you didn't (and probably never will now) want a serious relationship so I am constantly holding back how I'm feeling. And I know part of this was just that coming to light.

'I don't want this to be the last time I kiss you'

'This won't be the last time you kiss me. I promise you that'

'See you Thursday?'

'Yeah'