And I Know It Was Me Who Called It Over But I Still Wish You Fought Me Till Your Dying Day

I knew it was over two weeks ago, and I think you knew it too. We sat there in your car among bike riders and couples out for a stroll. Me crying and you trying to make me feel ok about it. I told you I didn't want to see you anymore. And I held strong for about 10 minutes, then you asked if you should drop me off or if I wanted to hang out. Of course I wanted to hang out. So we did. I spent a lot of that night taking everything I could in. Making sure I would remember. The way you smelled, the sound of you breathing deeply next to me, the weight of your cat on my legs, the way, if I moved, you would move yourself to be closer to me, the feel of your hand in mine, The way you would give me little half asleep kisses when I rolled over next to you or put my head on your chest. That night turned into two more weeks of doing what we were. Me feeling like shit every time I knew you were with her instead of me. But being so happy when we spent time together. Little things eating away at me. Even when we were together. You kissed me differently once, and I knew it was because she kissed you that way. Well I guess I didn't know but I assumed. I am glad we had those last two weeks sometimes, but others I wish we had just parted ways that night. Cause knowing you were In Vermont with her all weekend ruined mine. And I really hated that.

When we talked last night and I told you how I was feeling, like 2nd best and I didn't like it, you told me that if I was feeling that way it was basically my fault because you always hung out with whoever called you and since it was always you who made the plans, always you who went out of your way to call me, It was my own fault that you had hung out with her more in the last week. That hurt, and it made me see how little you understand me. I didn't call you because I was afraid to come off as needy. The girl who needs your attention, your time. I was always taught that that was what men hated so why would I want to seem that way to you?

When it was finally decided that it was over, we weren't going to see each other anymore, you were so placid about it. So, 'yeah ok if that's what you feel like you need to do'. That almost pissed me off more than the rest of it. It really didn't make me feel any less like 2nd choice. It made me feel like it didn't even matter if you lost me. No big whoop. It would have been nice to hear you say that you didn't want things to end, that you still wanted to see me, and just me, that you would do whatever you had to not to lose me. So what if these things were just what I wanted you to say fully knowing you wouldn't that doesn't mean it was any easier not to hear them. Then I reminded myself, why would you be upset about not seeing me anymore. You still have her to take up your time, you still have a date when you want one, still have someone to sleep next to, someone to steal the covers from, someone to trade little back rubs with, someone to call at the end of the day, when work was enough to make you want to throw yourself into oncoming traffic. You still have someone. And I don't. That's all it comes down to in the end. And that, my friend, pisses me off more than anything else.