Get Me Drunk, Naked, And In The Ocean
 
When I was Fourteen I stated going to these parties. One for Thanksgiving. And one in the summer just for the hell of it. They were happening years before I was old enough to know what a party, that didn't include cake and ice cream, meant. My friend Karen took me thinking that I was a groovy kid and would eventually turn into a groovy adult. I call Karen my friend but she is really much more than that. She is a sister. A sister that I always wanted. We have the relationship that I wish I had with my real sisters, but that will never happened because I really don't like either of them all that much. She was the first adult that treated me as an equal, talked to me not down to me.  So we went to a Thanksgiving party. The more mellow of the two. I was to ease into it. This first person I met from the group was Carl. And the first words out of his mouth were "you brought me a 14 year old, all young and untrained, just how I like them" And thus set the tone for my place in the group. They are all adults. And probably were thinking what the fuck is this kid doing here? But I think Karen's place in the group kinda gave them the ok to accept me. The Next summer I went to the party not knowing what to expect except a good time. We camped out on the lawn among ten or so other tents. It was heaven to me. I was free. I was in a group of people who got me. Who cared if they were 15 years older than me. As the weekend went on I was introduced to all sorts of new things. Naked fire jumping (which I watched from afar that year, as I was young and still had never seen a penis in real life, never mind one bounding over flames) Bodies painted in glow in the dark splatters. That may have been the first time I smelled pot. There was plenty to drink but I was limited only to ginger ale, which I poured in a keg cup hoping maybe no one knew I was so young. I was still 14 and not allowed near the Famed 'Pagan Punch' but I got the idea that it was bad in that very good way. Carl snuck me a sip or two when we were sure karen was not looking, and while it was not the first time I tasted alcohol it was the first time I tasted something so strong.  I crawled into the tent that night to the sounds of music I had never heard before, Phish and Yes sang me to sleep. Up to that point it was the best weekend of my life. As Karen and I drove home Sunday morning I had the biggest smile on my face that I am sure didn't fade for a day or two.
 
As the years went on the parties became something to look forward to. A reason to be glad it was November. A great way to end the summer. When I was 16 or 17 I was allowed to drink since I was doing it at home anyway it stopped being such a big deal. I was introduced to Crown Royal. My drink now. I stopped being the little girl and somewhere along the way became just another party goer. I've met some of the nicest people and had some amazing conversations.  Last year the party was moved to Maine where it will be held again this year. In 12 days to be precise. I can not wait. Maine is my heaven. The place I will eventually end up. Even if it's just to live there for two days before I die. To be there with these people is great. I am counting the days until we leave, The hours until I can be with these people. The minutes until I have my feet on the grass and a Crown and seven in my hand. And I am counting the seconds until I can finally be in the ocean, the cold cold Maine ocean.

And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will pay no mind
When it won't and it won't
Because it won't
Because it can't
It just can't
It's not supposed to
 
I don't know what made me so fragile, or why I stayed that way. But with one sentence I pulled back. I realized that I don't know what I want out of this. It has been fun, it's been nice. To have someone to lay next to, and hold my hand, someone to talk to, and someone who listens when I talk. But last night it became clear that maybe this isn't what I want. Or maybe just this version of it isn't. It's hard enough to figure out what is going on with us, or even in any new (can I call it a) relationship, but to have an ex girlfriend there, saying this or that and pointing out things that you do with me that you never did with her, just makes it that much harder. I felt the shift as soon as the words left your mouth. You probably felt it too. I had an incredible urge to leave. Just get up and go. Make up some lame excuse and tell you I'd call you soon. And at the same time I wanted to tell you all the shit that was running through my head. Shit like 
I feel rejected.
I feel hurt.
I feel like a big part of you still chooses her and always will.
When she wasn't there It was great but the minute she walked in the door last night you changed.
It makes me uncomfortable to hear you two talk about things you bought together and who is going to get what. I know there is a lot of baggage between you two, but I don't need it and I don't want it.
I'm not her.
I won't react the same way she does to things, if you don't want to cuddle on the couch then just say so.
But you seemed to be all fine and good with it till she pointed out that in the two years you were together you didn't do that with her.
Too fucking bad.
Is it really that you don't want to or is it just that she pointed it out. 
This is never going to work and who knows maybe this isn't working now.
Maybe this all just happened way too fast.
It's only been a little over a week.
There are no strings.
No obligations.
Maybe, just maybe I should do what I do best and sabotage what ever this is. 
Just cut and run.
Get away from you as fast as I got so close to you.

So I am sorry if I seemed quiet and distant last night, but with all that going on in my head I didn't really want to say anything for fear that all of it would come rushing out.  I do like you and I do want this to continue but it's hard for me,  you have to understand that. You got so close so fast and I am running scared here. When you kissed me goodbye this morning and said you'd talk to me soon the first thing that ran through my head was 'what the fuck does that mean?... Soon ... That could mean anything.' I guess I'll just have to wait it out.

My Mama Told Me There'd Be Days Like This
And Man She Wasn't Foolin'
'Cause I Just Can't Believe The Way You Kiss

Bits and pieces of the past few days keep popping into my head. A piece of a sentence, a certain look that you gave me, your smile, the smell of your pillow, the smile that overtook my face when you offered me an old tee shirt and a side of your bed, the sound of my laugh echoed by yours. I was so unsure about what was going to happen. I had how the night was going to go all planed out in my head. We would go to a movie, we would hang out, talk, maybe kiss a little. But my mind went blank when you put your hand on my knee, well not blank, but I forgot all the reasons why you aren't supposed to stay the night on a first date. All those stupid little things your grandmother told you when you were young, her vague way of warning you that not all men are nice. Things like 'no one's gonna buy the cow when the milk is for free' things I never listened to and probably never will. But I was thinking them anyway.

A few days later now and you've got one foot in the door, I'm scared to death about that. It's so easy to talk to you that I forget all the barriers that I put up every time someone starts to get me. You make me happy, and that freaks me out. Now I'm thinking strategically, Which walls do I let you over... What fences do I stand by and watch you climb.... How far do I let you in before I retreat back to a safe place.... A place where the walls are so thick even I can't tell everything that lies behind them. Is it safe to even be thinking this way. We aren't defined, we aren't exclusive, so is it an ok thing for me to let that feeling creep past security.

After so long being not just alone but lonely, it's nice to have someone there with me, to have someone touch me. Someone who takes me out in public, someone I can talk to. Someone who, although he may not be mine alone, pays me the attention I've craved. Someone who listens, and reacts, and holds me, rather than looking at the clock and kicking me out.

Even if it isn't anything solid This is a good thing for me. If it lasts a few days, A week, or maybe even longer...It's a good feeling to have someone say to you "It's ok to be happy. I'm not going to hurt you" I'm still skeptical but for now I'm gonna see where this so-called happiness is headed and just try and enjoy the ride.

GRUMP

I think that says it all....

Call me, call me any, anytime

I was asked for my number the other day. This was very strange to me, not that asking for a phone number is something out of the ordinary, because that happens all the time, but that someone was asking for mine. It never occurred to me that anyone would want it. He's cute. A few years older than I am. He was dating a girl that I work with, which has it's own level of weirdness to it. So apparently we are going to go out sometime. Which is strange as well... I've never been on an actual 'date' I've only ever went out with two boys, and that was in high school so the whole 'date' thing was complicated by needing to ask parents for rides or money. Most of our time was spent shut in the front room of my old house. A second tv room, it was used basically as a somewhat private place, since I wasn't allowed to have boys in my room. Not that my parents didn't bust in every five minutes to make sure nothing beyond hand holding was happening.

The only other 'relationship' (if you could call it that) I was in wasn't really an out in the open kinda deal. 99% of that time was spent in his bed. The times I'd basically stalk him at work adding up to the other 1%. After a while I began thinking that there was something wrong with me. Thus the shut ins, and the close to two words he'd say when in public. Surely there had to be something horrible about me, something so bad he wouldn't want anyone to see him with me. But once I stopped acting like a stupid girl I realized that we were really only able to see each other when he got out of work, usually at about 2 am, so that really had more to do with the non-dates and lack of public appearances.

But needless to say the idea of an actual date is a bit foreign. What will we do, What will we talk about, and most importantly what will I wear.