To Face The Present

My mother has her last round of chemo coming up real soon, and because of that she had a long discussion with her doctor. The doctor gave her five years at the very best. One to three months at the very worst. It all depends on when the cancer comes back. It will come back that they are sure of. Right now because of the chemo it has gone into remission, But once the chemo is done it's only a matter of time.

All of this caused my mom to sit me down and have a talk about how I'm gonna be when she is gone. And surprisingly enough she is worried about a lot of the same things I am. She is worried that I will settle for a certain way of life because it's just easier, She is worried that I will push everyone who is close to me away because I am too scared to let them in. She is worried that I will never find a love because I am so closed off.
All these things are valid worries, but I don't want her to be thinking of me like that. I see myself that way and I worry about these things, but I don't want to project that image to other people.

She also said some things that I know I can not change until I go though some serious self evaluation. She wants me to be much closer with my sisters, my middle sister to be specific. But I can't do that because there is just so much resentment there. I know when my mother is gone I will be expected to take care of her because she can't or won't take care of herself. I don't want that job. I can't do it. I can barely take care of myself. If I had my choice My sister would be out on her own even if that meant living on the street in a cardboard box. Maybe that would be enough of an eye opener. Let her know that the way she lives her life is not ok. But how do you tell your dying mother that you can't do something she asks you to. And I know she isn't dying quite yet. But if you think about it she is and has been in a way for six months now.