I'm A New Man
I Wear A New Cologne
And You Wouldn't Know Me If Your Eyes Were Closed

Tonight is a mix of a million different feelings, on a million different subjects. I am at the same moment happy, lonely, really pissed off, in deep depression, and 9,996 other things.

I recently reconnected with an old friend that I haven't seen for about five years. And it's like we never missed a day. We still laugh at the same things, we still can talk to each other about what seems like anything. She grew up, which I guess we all did but it shows more on her. She always was mature beyond her years. Couldn't wait to be an adult, wanted to be on her own, independent. I guess I feel that way too but it seems like I'm playing the part of what she is. She has this great boyfriend now and they are super happy. They have a love nest. They have love. They seem to fit together which makes me happy for them, sad for me...

Lately it has seemed like everyone has a someone but me. The former best friend. The present best friend. The mohawked friend. Work friends. Even the frizzy red haired borderline crazy lady that comes into the store four mornings a week carrying three drinks and stooping over the jewelry tables to see if anything new has come in in the last two hours has a husband. Named James. I only know this because she likes to talk to me for some reason about her life and husband. It seems to me that I must have a sign that people can see a mile away that says "I'm single and really unhappy about it so please tell me about how happy you are with who ever you have so I can feel even worse cause you are weird, or ugly, or smelly, or just really really stupid, Yes please make me feel just that much worse about myself because you can have a somebody but I can't get an anybody." But I guess that would be a really big sign.

Even the former 'maybe crush' has a probable someone. I was told tonight he might have a girl... So you see it's not him, as I thought perhaps just to keep myself sane. It was me I was the one who he didn't want it's not all girls just me. I know that is a bit dramatic but fuck it I'm in that kind of mood as of this second so I will express my feeling about it.

I'm just kicking myself for the way my late night summer whatever happened. I know it was my fault and it ended for reasons I could have prevented, but I'm still thinking that if I can just write the right words. Wear the right colors. Smell like the right flower or fruit. That the next time you see me, or read my words, or get my sent on a breeze. You will realize that you can't live without me for a single-second-more. I know it's all silly girl crap-oh-la and I hate myself for it. Because you don't read this. You don't see me. And you certainly wouldn't know my what I smell like anymore. I wish I could just kick you out of my head. And believe me I've been trying but all I'm ending up with bruises. And not in any good, fun times sort of way either.