I taste like Bread. I am a staple in almost everyone's diet. Friends like me are a complement to any other friends I get on with almost everyone, remaining mostly in the background, but providing substance when it would otherwise be lacking. What Flavour Are You?

I'm A New Man
I Wear A New Cologne
And You Wouldn't Know Me If Your Eyes Were Closed

Tonight is a mix of a million different feelings, on a million different subjects. I am at the same moment happy, lonely, really pissed off, in deep depression, and 9,996 other things.

I recently reconnected with an old friend that I haven't seen for about five years. And it's like we never missed a day. We still laugh at the same things, we still can talk to each other about what seems like anything. She grew up, which I guess we all did but it shows more on her. She always was mature beyond her years. Couldn't wait to be an adult, wanted to be on her own, independent. I guess I feel that way too but it seems like I'm playing the part of what she is. She has this great boyfriend now and they are super happy. They have a love nest. They have love. They seem to fit together which makes me happy for them, sad for me...

Lately it has seemed like everyone has a someone but me. The former best friend. The present best friend. The mohawked friend. Work friends. Even the frizzy red haired borderline crazy lady that comes into the store four mornings a week carrying three drinks and stooping over the jewelry tables to see if anything new has come in in the last two hours has a husband. Named James. I only know this because she likes to talk to me for some reason about her life and husband. It seems to me that I must have a sign that people can see a mile away that says "I'm single and really unhappy about it so please tell me about how happy you are with who ever you have so I can feel even worse cause you are weird, or ugly, or smelly, or just really really stupid, Yes please make me feel just that much worse about myself because you can have a somebody but I can't get an anybody." But I guess that would be a really big sign.

Even the former 'maybe crush' has a probable someone. I was told tonight he might have a girl... So you see it's not him, as I thought perhaps just to keep myself sane. It was me I was the one who he didn't want it's not all girls just me. I know that is a bit dramatic but fuck it I'm in that kind of mood as of this second so I will express my feeling about it.

I'm just kicking myself for the way my late night summer whatever happened. I know it was my fault and it ended for reasons I could have prevented, but I'm still thinking that if I can just write the right words. Wear the right colors. Smell like the right flower or fruit. That the next time you see me, or read my words, or get my sent on a breeze. You will realize that you can't live without me for a single-second-more. I know it's all silly girl crap-oh-la and I hate myself for it. Because you don't read this. You don't see me. And you certainly wouldn't know my what I smell like anymore. I wish I could just kick you out of my head. And believe me I've been trying but all I'm ending up with bruises. And not in any good, fun times sort of way either.

You Can Fight The Sleep But Not The Dream

I've been having dreams about you again
Dreams where I say all the right things and you forgive me
Dreams where you say you understand and that you miss me
If I thought the words 'I'm sorry' would mean anything to you
I'd type them out a million times
I'd send a letter everyday
Scrawl it in the sand
Carve it into every tree
If I thought my lips could say the words you needed to hear
I'd talk for hours trying to find them
If I thought my tears could show you how I really feel
I would no longer try and hide them
I've said what I could
And I've tried all I know
But the little voice that says 'it's time to let him go' is still in my head
it's getting louder now and much more persistent
And I'm getting much too weak to resist it
So I'll give up for now
Press delete a thousand times
Save my postage
I'll stay away from the beach
And out of the woods
My lips will stay closed
And my eyes will be dry

Maybe in my silence you can finally find whatever it is you needed to hear

Confession

I am just so lonely

To Face The Present

My mother has her last round of chemo coming up real soon, and because of that she had a long discussion with her doctor. The doctor gave her five years at the very best. One to three months at the very worst. It all depends on when the cancer comes back. It will come back that they are sure of. Right now because of the chemo it has gone into remission, But once the chemo is done it's only a matter of time.

All of this caused my mom to sit me down and have a talk about how I'm gonna be when she is gone. And surprisingly enough she is worried about a lot of the same things I am. She is worried that I will settle for a certain way of life because it's just easier, She is worried that I will push everyone who is close to me away because I am too scared to let them in. She is worried that I will never find a love because I am so closed off.
All these things are valid worries, but I don't want her to be thinking of me like that. I see myself that way and I worry about these things, but I don't want to project that image to other people.

She also said some things that I know I can not change until I go though some serious self evaluation. She wants me to be much closer with my sisters, my middle sister to be specific. But I can't do that because there is just so much resentment there. I know when my mother is gone I will be expected to take care of her because she can't or won't take care of herself. I don't want that job. I can't do it. I can barely take care of myself. If I had my choice My sister would be out on her own even if that meant living on the street in a cardboard box. Maybe that would be enough of an eye opener. Let her know that the way she lives her life is not ok. But how do you tell your dying mother that you can't do something she asks you to. And I know she isn't dying quite yet. But if you think about it she is and has been in a way for six months now.

Le Blog Entry

I spent the day in Rockport Ma. Yesterday. Karen, Tater and I went to see Anonymous Four. They are four women who sing medieval music, acapella, in four part harmony. It was beautiful. It was really the prettiest music I've ever heard. Being on the coast made me realized that I have to live by the ocean at some point in my life. I just love it. Maine would be ideal, and that's the plan. Go to school, get my massage license, work work work, open my own place somewhere in Maine... Living not too far away, and eventually move my business to my home. I hope I hope I hope.

I've really been enjoying work lately. My manager Karla and I were being really silly yesterday and saying everything with a French accent.... It really was a good time. I know it sounds stupid but when you work at Marshall's you have to get your kicks where you can. I got to put together the focal wall today. It's like a big window display, it's a fun project, you get to be creative and pull stuff from the whole store to make a theme. The theme for the wall I did today was "The Bedroom" ooo la la... It was just a fun thing to do and no one seemed to care that I took close to two hours to put it together. I would love to work at a place like the cedar chest or faces where they make those really nice window displays. I love doing shit like that. It's really my favorite thing to do at work.

Working so much has left me with little to no social life. But I have been spending time with Sue here and there. I am so glad she's home. We just have fun with each other. Even if no one else is laughing you can be assured that somewhere we are in hysterics clapping or banging on a table. The high point of the summer is going to be the CT party in Maine! I can not wait. Sue is going with us this year. Be prepared for entries talking about:
*skinny dipping
*naked fire jumping
*married men
*Maine!

FIN