Steps Have Been Taken

In many directions this past few weeks my life has been taking new shape. I went to GCC and picked up all the paper work I need to start classes next fall. I have wanted this for so long and I guess part of me is just afraid that I'll finally get there and realize that I hate massage therapy. This is highly unlikely but you can never be sure how you will react in a situation until it presents itself to you.

Within the next two years I will have a completely different life. This thought both scares the living shit out of me and gives me the feeling of such excitement that I can't wait for the change. My parents are looking into buying an acre of land and building a house. And while I am welcome to join them, at least from my mother, I am also looking to be out on my own soon. I can't live with my parents anymore it's slowly killing me and making me hate them, which I really don't. If only I had more money. That is always the problem it seems.

I had a really good conversation with my dad in the wee hours of the morning, and he told me that he is really afraid that I will never find love. I kind of just laughed it off and said 'yeah welcome to that club'. But it stung a little more than I thought it would. Me thinking that I'll never be loved is one thing, that can be credited to just low self esteem or feelings of unworthiness. But for my dad to pick up on it too? That makes me feel as if everyone can see it on me. Is that why I'm alone? Because people who may be interested see that warning and just keep walking? Just how thin is that line between alone and lonely? I fear I am walking a bit too close for comfort.

There is one person who I could see myself with but then I fucked that up royally didn't I? We hung out the other night, just as friends, instead of whatever we were before. It was nice to be able to talk, and laugh, and just hang out. But my stomach still flipped when our eyes met for just a second longer than a glance. When I looked at his hands I still felt them against my skin. While he talked I still heard his breath in my ear, felt it on my neck. My lips still tingled with the remembered feeling of his. So I guess I have made steps toward a friendship with him, but my mind may just be walking too fast for my body to keep up.