Searching The Silence

I haven't really slept in a week, I mean don't get me wrong I've dozed and cat napped and maybe even caught a few winks but I haven't really slept. It used to be when I couldn't sleep I'd call on you, and you would almost always tucker me out. But now that that is no longer an option, I'm having to find other ways to fill up my sleepless nights. Music helps and reading but mostly I just lay atop my blankets. My bed neatly made under me, my ceiling mockingly white above me. I think a lot between the hours of midnight and work. I think about any number of things but mostly my thoughts slip back to an ache. This ache won't go away and it may very well be what is keeping me up. It's the pain of reality. It weighs on me. I can feel it dragging along with me to work. Through the day it's there but subdued. But when I come home it lies in wait for me to crawl into bed where I can't be distracted by friendly work chit chat, or TV, or music, or even reading. Then it moves in for the kill. Telling me things that I already know but refuse to deal with in the light of day.

Things like.

Your mother is going to die.

So is it any wonder why I can't sleep. This, of course isn't the only thing that keeps me up, but it's the most important. Problems like being alone, seem somehow less. Less important. Less worthy of worry. Less in need of resolve. I can handle being without love for the rest of my life if I have to. I can deal with the fact that I may have to. But I don't want to start thinking about how my life is going to be without my mom. I love her and I treat her like shit. I know that I do. And I am sorry for it all.

Every smart ass remark I've made.
Every flight of stairs I've ever stomped up.
Every door I've ever slammed.

I apologize for it all. But I can't say I'm sorry for the way I've dealt with the cancer, because it's how I deal with everything. The void of emotion. Because I know if I start to let a little something come through that will be it for me. I'll break down. I'll be out for weeks. Maybe even months. I know what is Stirring beneath the surface and trust me it's not pretty.