Family Ties

I loved yesterday. It was one of those great days when everything just clicked. My mom wanted to have a family meeting, but we were all in silly moods and ended up laughing for an hour straight, so nothing was really discussed. When I got home from work everyone was in the living room together watching something stupid on TV. This is rare for my family to all be hanging out together, So I sat down too. We just all hung out, we made stupid jokes about the show and no one yelled or took things wrong.....I don't know why this made the day so great but it just did.

My dad and I changed my oil yesterday too. It was a good father daughter bonding thing to do. My oil was so gross. Let me put it this way: I've had my car for a year, I've never changed the oil. I don't know when the last time it was changed might have been. Needless to say the oil was nasty it looked like hot fudge. Seriously.

It always seems when I am close to one parent I have distance with the other. Right now I am super good with my dad, we are hanging out, laughing, changing oil. But my mom is driving me insane. Every little thing I do she is all over me. I want to just be left alone when I get home, sit in my room with my CD's and magazines, but she is always around me knocking on my door, asking me how my day was. I was at work all day how do you think it was? I don't know about all of you but I definitely need a little time to unwind when I get home. Lately that seems to be too much to ask.

In Love With This Poem

Don't matter if the road is long
Don't matter if it's steep
Don't matter if the moon is gone and the darkness is complete
Don't matter if we lose our way it's written that we'll meet
At least that's what I heard you say
A thousand kisses deep

I loved you when you opened like a Lilly to the heat
You see I'm just another snowman standing in the rain and sleet
Who loved you with his frozen love
His second hand physique
With all he is and all he was
A thousand kisses deep

I know you had to lie to me
I know you had to cheat
You learned it on your father's knee
And at your mother's feet
But did you have to fight your way across the burning street
When all our vital interests lay
A thousand kisses deep

I'm turning tricks
I'm getting fixed
I'm back on boogie street
I'd like to quit the business but I'm in it so to speak

The thought of you is peaceful
And the file on you complete
Except what I forgot to do
A thousand kisses deep

Don't matter if you're rich and strong
Don't matter if you're weak
Don't matter if you write a song the nightingales repeat
Don't matter if it's nine to five or timeless and unique
You'd ditch your life to stay alive
A thousand kisses deep

The ponies run the girls are young
The odds are there to beat
You win a while and then it's done your little winning streak
And summoned now to deal with your invincible defeat
You live your life as if it's real
A thousand kisses deep

I hear their voices in the wine
Who sometimes did we seek
The band is playing Auld Lang Syne but the heart will not retreat
There's no forsaking what you love
No existential leap
As witnessed here in time and blood
A thousand kisses deep

~Leonard Cohen

Steps Have Been Taken

In many directions this past few weeks my life has been taking new shape. I went to GCC and picked up all the paper work I need to start classes next fall. I have wanted this for so long and I guess part of me is just afraid that I'll finally get there and realize that I hate massage therapy. This is highly unlikely but you can never be sure how you will react in a situation until it presents itself to you.

Within the next two years I will have a completely different life. This thought both scares the living shit out of me and gives me the feeling of such excitement that I can't wait for the change. My parents are looking into buying an acre of land and building a house. And while I am welcome to join them, at least from my mother, I am also looking to be out on my own soon. I can't live with my parents anymore it's slowly killing me and making me hate them, which I really don't. If only I had more money. That is always the problem it seems.

I had a really good conversation with my dad in the wee hours of the morning, and he told me that he is really afraid that I will never find love. I kind of just laughed it off and said 'yeah welcome to that club'. But it stung a little more than I thought it would. Me thinking that I'll never be loved is one thing, that can be credited to just low self esteem or feelings of unworthiness. But for my dad to pick up on it too? That makes me feel as if everyone can see it on me. Is that why I'm alone? Because people who may be interested see that warning and just keep walking? Just how thin is that line between alone and lonely? I fear I am walking a bit too close for comfort.

There is one person who I could see myself with but then I fucked that up royally didn't I? We hung out the other night, just as friends, instead of whatever we were before. It was nice to be able to talk, and laugh, and just hang out. But my stomach still flipped when our eyes met for just a second longer than a glance. When I looked at his hands I still felt them against my skin. While he talked I still heard his breath in my ear, felt it on my neck. My lips still tingled with the remembered feeling of his. So I guess I have made steps toward a friendship with him, but my mind may just be walking too fast for my body to keep up.

I Want Someone Who Calls Me Kid

Grump.... I've been watching sex and the city for 6 hours. I love that show... I want her life... Or really I just want her men... But not the Russian he's old.. And a little gay. But definitely Mr. Big.... I am so in love with Chris Noth and that character.. I want to be with a man like that... Emotionally unavailable... Sarcastic... Realizes that his head is up his ass and pulls it out in an appropriate time frame....Ah to be so lucky.

He reminds me so much of someone I know....
Only I'm still wondering if his head will ever be pulled from his ass....


Sue and I went to see Troy the other night. It was a really good movie. Now, I'm not usually all that attracted to Brad Pitt cause I think he's too pretty, but man oh man was he H-O-T. I think it was all the leather, and the fighting, and the nakedness.

Oh Yeah Life Goes On Long After The Thrill Of Living Is Gone

I am so sick of working. It's all I do now. I really have no social life which I guess is ok, but not great. Grump. Everyone is home for the summer but it really doesn't matter since I have no time to spend with them. Although I have been spending time with my best friend in the whole wide world (dot com) Susan Pal-umps....She is just the best I honestly don't know what I would do without her.

So me and Sue decide the other day that we are gonna lay out in the sun... Get some color... Feel more summery... Well as it turns out I'm white. No wait I mean pale. And a redhead to boot, I burn easily. Very very easily. This I have known for a very long time but seem very inclined to forget just about every May/June. So needless to say I am very much in pain with the sunburn and such, but I'll live. I have an ample supply of aloe vera gel, and ice packs. I just hope it doesn't peel that's the worst.

Confession

I can't help but think this would all be easier if I had a hand to hold. Someone to lay awake with me.

Searching The Silence

I haven't really slept in a week, I mean don't get me wrong I've dozed and cat napped and maybe even caught a few winks but I haven't really slept. It used to be when I couldn't sleep I'd call on you, and you would almost always tucker me out. But now that that is no longer an option, I'm having to find other ways to fill up my sleepless nights. Music helps and reading but mostly I just lay atop my blankets. My bed neatly made under me, my ceiling mockingly white above me. I think a lot between the hours of midnight and work. I think about any number of things but mostly my thoughts slip back to an ache. This ache won't go away and it may very well be what is keeping me up. It's the pain of reality. It weighs on me. I can feel it dragging along with me to work. Through the day it's there but subdued. But when I come home it lies in wait for me to crawl into bed where I can't be distracted by friendly work chit chat, or TV, or music, or even reading. Then it moves in for the kill. Telling me things that I already know but refuse to deal with in the light of day.

Things like.

Your mother is going to die.

So is it any wonder why I can't sleep. This, of course isn't the only thing that keeps me up, but it's the most important. Problems like being alone, seem somehow less. Less important. Less worthy of worry. Less in need of resolve. I can handle being without love for the rest of my life if I have to. I can deal with the fact that I may have to. But I don't want to start thinking about how my life is going to be without my mom. I love her and I treat her like shit. I know that I do. And I am sorry for it all.

Every smart ass remark I've made.
Every flight of stairs I've ever stomped up.
Every door I've ever slammed.

I apologize for it all. But I can't say I'm sorry for the way I've dealt with the cancer, because it's how I deal with everything. The void of emotion. Because I know if I start to let a little something come through that will be it for me. I'll break down. I'll be out for weeks. Maybe even months. I know what is Stirring beneath the surface and trust me it's not pretty.