Something's Missing... And I Don't Know How To Fix It...

Why do all the guys that are in my life at the moment have their heads up their collective asses?

I miss what I had this summer, but I also understand that it couldn't last the way it was. But understanding and being ok with it are two completely different things. I know we came up with the rules and boundaries but somewhere along the way all that changed.....Well at least for me it did, and I thought I felt a change in him as well but I could have been imagining that, or sensing a change in the opposite direction. Now when we see each other I get that 'oh god what is he thinking' feeling... I wonder if he thinks it was all a big mistake....Or if he, like me, is missing the hotter weather and late night meetings.

As much as things with the summer boy were just physical, Things with the Bard guy are purely emotional. I'm not sure If I ever wrote about 'The Nap' but it was the perfect ending to whatever the 6 or so year long thing we had going was. If two people's feelings could be put into a physical action....Ours would have been a nap, in your favorite pjs, on a rainy Sunday afternoon. Comfortable, safe, familiar. I don't know if I've ever been in love but it was definitely the closest I've ever felt. The nap was a big piece of closure but I know a lot of the feelings and attachment to him are still there and probably always will be.

And then there is 'The Crush'. We seem to get along... Seem to find a lot of the same things interesting. Like the same music, share a love of the rain. But there is something missing. Something that keeps the 'click' just out of reach. And maybe that isn't such a bad thing.... Maybe I just want to be with someone so badly that I am trying to make it into more than it is...He seems less than excited about the idea.

So maybe it's not that all the guys I know have their heads in their nether regions... Maybe it's that I have a lot to work out on my own. Maybe it's me that's the problem and not any of them.....