I Work Well With Others


I got my six month review at work today. I found out that I can get things done in a timely manner, I work well in groups or on my own, and I can think outside the box. How great for me. It felt oddly like a parent teacher conference.

"Emily plays nice with the other kids, and doesn't try to stab them with scissors"

Poem

Drunk Off the signals you've mixed
I start to slip and fall
I reach out for something Solid
Anything to stop the spinning
Instead I found your hand

Two sets of feet fumble
Two sets of ideas jumble

Now we are left on the ground
Neither of us knowing where we stand

Confession



I really wanted to kiss you last night

Girls You've Got To Know When It's Time To Turn The Page, And When You're Only Wet Because Of The Rain

I woke up this morning at 3:47. A strange dream in which you were the reluctant star. We were standing in your driveway, it was raining. You looked at me with such cruelty. You told me to let go. That I fucked up. That I wasn't going to get you back. All the 'friendly' emails in the world wouldn't let you forget what I did, and that I shouldn't either. Who knows if that is how you are really feeling. We don't talk anymore, not that we ever really did. But I'd like us to. I just don't know how to sit back and wait for that to happen. Or even worse, make myself realize that it may not.

I know it was probably a long time coming, that I shouldn't have gotten attached in the first place. But I threw all my rules out the window, that first late night drive out to you. You have to understand that. For so long I had been bricked up. All my emotions locked away. I was more myself with you than I had ever been. I don't know why but you let me be that. I was free to be open and honest. Tell you things no one else knew. And in many ways I did that. Except for the most important truth. And maybe you're right, maybe some part of me knew that it would stop at kissing if I had been truthful. But somehow a bigger part of me doesn't believe that.

So now I'm left wondering. What if I had told you the truth that night. Would I be any better off? Would we still have our late night meetings? Would we ever had had one? I'm not sure I can answer those questions. I'm not sure of anything, except that I miss it.
I miss the moon in my rear view as I pull out onto 47. I miss the deep sleep I was assured to get once I climbed into my own bed. I miss the sweet soreness of the day after.

And I miss you.

Tempted By The Fruit Of Another

Longest week ever! And it's not even over yet.... I have to close again tomorrow.....Grump! I've been on the women's side all this week, I'm in training for my new position of coordinator. It's a promotion of sorts all though it doesn't really feel like it yet. I'll get a dollar an hour raise and have a little authority, Which I mean come that is SO why I decided to take the job. But the down side of this is that I will have to work 40 hours a week, and I have to close two nights a week. Bla. I just have to keep thinking about all the wonderful wonderful money I'll have.

Speaking of hot men.... Good ole' Marshall's of Hadley had some sidewalk problems due to the bitter New England winter. Apparently the pavement in front of the doors swelled? Heaved? Whatever you want to call it, so the doors couldn't really be opened all the way. SO they had to hire someone to come and jack hammer it out and pour new cement. And who should they hire but the HOTTEST man I have ever seen in real life. He was all buff, but in a "I work with heavy equipment" kinda way not " I go to the gym and look at other guys in tight shorts" kinda way. He was a man ya know like calloused hands, work boots, Carharts, dirty in a good way kinda MAN! I was beginning to think some sort of disease had wiped all of their kind out. He had on a shirt that said "Give blood, Play rugby" how hot is that? I was a nice distraction that made work, and a few hours of alone time, pass a little easier the last few days.

So my faith in the male species restored I am thinking that I want a boyfriend. Just as long as he gets what I'm about and can either love it or ignore it convincingly. I've been told that I would be the perfect girlfriend, if only I liked sports.....Which could happen if I actually understood them. I do like some sports such as hockey, rugby, and boxing.... That's got to count for something.... Right?

I Need A Big Loan From The Girl Zone

What is it about male attention that makes normally intelligent women become blubbering idiots? I'm so sick of the girls I know starting and ending their sentences with "my boyfriend" I'm not like "So I'm single, and I went to the store and bought some juice because I'm single" GOD I get so pissed about that lately. Probably because I am single and I hate it so much right now. But if I were with someone I would probably hate that too.

I'm just so bla these days. But at least the weather is getting better... I want to drive around all day with good music and all the windows down. But as we all know in my car that is rarely possible... I need a new car

and a new life....

Time Wasting 101

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 23.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.


"She wondered if all the firsts in her life would go by so quickly, and be forgotten just as quickly"

Hmmm interesting......

Song On Repeat

I know what kind of love this is
After all I was there when we made it
I know why I did what I did
To end a lifetime of wallflower shade

With Buster Brown
The big man in the town
When no one was around


I know what kind of love this is


The man in black said, "You won't mind
It'll be over before you know it
You can pretend that you are blind
If it will help you to get over it"
In my parents' bed
Pretending I am dead
Remember every word he said


I know what kind of love this is


And when I wake he will be gone
And I won't see him until the classroom
It's just a tale of right and wrong
That they will whisper inside the bathroom
How she lost the game
She'll never be the same
He doesn't even know her name


I know what kind of love this is


-Nerissa Nields

We'll Meet At Night Wet From The Rain..... And Surprise Each Other With How We Take Away The Pain


I keep having this dream....It's night..... I'm walking in the woods with someone that I've had a crush on in the past, the person changes but nothing else.... It's raining and there is always a waterfall. We end up going swimming and kissing in the spray. I've had at least ten different versions of this dream... How strange....

I wonder what Freud would say.....

If You See The Tears filling My Eyes.....It's Just The Wind That Makes Me Cry

I'm just so stupid.....

I Wouldn't Know What To Do With A Second Chance.... If You Gave It To Me....

I fucked up...
I lied .....
I shouldn't have, but how could I undo the years before I even knew you....
I told you that night because I felt like you deserved the truth.
You did.
I just got the timing mixed up....

I'm sorry.
someday when I can figure out how to explain it all to you I will.
I promise.

Something's Missing... And I Don't Know How To Fix It...

Why do all the guys that are in my life at the moment have their heads up their collective asses?

I miss what I had this summer, but I also understand that it couldn't last the way it was. But understanding and being ok with it are two completely different things. I know we came up with the rules and boundaries but somewhere along the way all that changed.....Well at least for me it did, and I thought I felt a change in him as well but I could have been imagining that, or sensing a change in the opposite direction. Now when we see each other I get that 'oh god what is he thinking' feeling... I wonder if he thinks it was all a big mistake....Or if he, like me, is missing the hotter weather and late night meetings.

As much as things with the summer boy were just physical, Things with the Bard guy are purely emotional. I'm not sure If I ever wrote about 'The Nap' but it was the perfect ending to whatever the 6 or so year long thing we had going was. If two people's feelings could be put into a physical action....Ours would have been a nap, in your favorite pjs, on a rainy Sunday afternoon. Comfortable, safe, familiar. I don't know if I've ever been in love but it was definitely the closest I've ever felt. The nap was a big piece of closure but I know a lot of the feelings and attachment to him are still there and probably always will be.

And then there is 'The Crush'. We seem to get along... Seem to find a lot of the same things interesting. Like the same music, share a love of the rain. But there is something missing. Something that keeps the 'click' just out of reach. And maybe that isn't such a bad thing.... Maybe I just want to be with someone so badly that I am trying to make it into more than it is...He seems less than excited about the idea.

So maybe it's not that all the guys I know have their heads in their nether regions... Maybe it's that I have a lot to work out on my own. Maybe it's me that's the problem and not any of them.....

Your voice still sounds in my ears

I can say I'm over you all I want but I know that's a lie. I think everyone else knows too but they are all too polite to say anything that might contradict my statement......

So this weekend just got a whole lot crappier. We are not going to NYC now. Tater was getting tickets to another concert and meant to get them for Saturday night but the people that bought them got them for Sunday instead. Oh well. But we are going on May 16th. Not too far away in the scheme of things. I have no exciting news.... Grump... Bore... Yawn....

Let the rain kiss you. Let the rain beat upon your head with silver liquid drops. Let the rain sing you a lullaby

I love the rain. It is by far my favorite precipitation. While I was at work today it was raining so much that I could hear it on the corrugated steel roof, over the horrible Marshall's store radio. I wanted to stop what I was doing grab my book and sit in the back room reading to the sound of rain all day. This is a common thing for me this time of year. I can spend days on end laying in bed reading while the rain taps out rhythms on my window. I can't wait for it to be warm enough to be able to go for walks in the rain. This may sound crazy to some of you but I love it. I once spent 6 hours walking the woods near my aunt's house in the rain. Last summer I sat on the stone wall in front of my house until I was completely soaked through. Then walked up stairs, shed my wet clothes, and crawled into a warm soft bed. It was possibly the best night of sleep I had ever had.