I Know I Can't Be With You, I Do What I Have To Do.


What can you do when someone you were once very close to has something horrible going on in their life? I sent the "I'm so sorry" email, offered up my ear to bend, my shoulder to cry on. What more can you do but hope that they take you seriously. Hope that they understand that it's not just the polite sympathy you'd give to anyone. That you mean it, with everything you have.

I Want To Be A Part Of It

So next weekend just got a whole lot better. I was planning on helping Karen with the last tag sale from her mom's house all weekend, But now, I am still helping on Saturday, but on Sunday we are driving to CT to hook up with Tater and then we are going to NYC!!! I have never been I am so excited. And to make it even better we are going to see Anonymous Four. They are a shape note/sacred harp accapella group. The music is so beautiful. If you've never heard them I suggest it right now! I can not wait!

I got in a bit of a screaming match with the mum today. Mostly because my sister is a useless piece of shit and I hate her. But my mom really didn't deserve the yelling. Her hair has started to fall out, and it's freaking me out. A lot. I guess I'm going to have to start dealing with this whole cancer thing right. About. Now. I really am not looking forward to that.

FUCK!

I've Got A Hunger Twisting My Stomach Into Knots

There's something about a Saturday night spent alone watching reruns of 'Sex And The City' that makes a girl really depressed. When you start thinking about all the people who are out on dates, as you sit home eating m&ms in front of the TV, and you realize you need a life.

I've know this for quite some time, but I just haven't gotten around to getting one yet. I have friends and I have family but I don't have what I want. Someone to spend Saturday nights, and maybe a few Sunday mornings, with. I've never wanted to be with just one person. Ever. I know I have a wall up and people can sense that. And maybe that is why I've been alone for so long, or maybe that's why I had my thing with Mr. Friendly's. I think I could do it now. With the right person. If he/she found me and was up to the task.

This whole thing with 'the boy' is really confusing to me. I've never met a guy who didn't want to have sex. Or at least make out a little. And I don't know if I hate him for that or really really like him. A big part of me really wants to be with someone and then another huge part of me is unsure. I see my friends that are in relationships right now. Some are ending. Some just starting. Some are at that really awkward phase of dragging on, neither one knowing where it's going, if or how to end it. I see that I and I don't want to even bother starting one. But then I see the little kisses and the hand holding and I want it so bad it hurts.

Poem 2

2:7:04

Seeping.
You wrote that on your hand one day.
Back when you wrote on your hands, and your jeans were covered with stars and song lyrics.

That word stuck with me, because it felt like what was happening.
He was seeping into your life and you were seeping out of yourself,
Away from us.

I heard you painted your room.
Light purple.
A color the former you would have scoffed at.
Covered over all the quotes, took down the magazine clippings of half naked women that you had pasted up.

You seem happy now.
But I have to wonder if you really are, or did a false sense of that word seep into mind?
The way he did.

Poem

2:21:04
I'm Standing in the surf, feeling the sand slip out from under me.
The waves lick at my ankles.
I stare out at all the ships that have sailed.
Friends and lovers.
opportunities past.
You're there, the second speck to the right.

White canvas dots the ocean of my life.
The waves reach my knees now, and I look up in time to see him pass by.
He waves half heartedly.
The Jolly Roger Flapping in the wind.
He sails out to join the rest.
Becoming just another triangle of white.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

3.23.04 Libra: It's much too simple to become embroiled in long-winded discussions that make you feel guilty or misunderstood.

interesting....

So my crush is fading and turning into a 'friend' which whatever I can always use another friend. But I need a guy. A guy one who will make out with me and not care about my feelings and crap like that. I thought that maybe I was ready to be with one person and maybe I am if he/she was right for me but I am finding out a lot about myself by talking so much and I don't know if I can handle it.....

Now don't get me wrong this guy is a really nice kid and we get along a ton and a half but just not so much my type when It comes to the 'dating' stuff.... I'm definitely a little much the 'anti-girl' for him I think. I get that a lot so I shouldn't be surprised....

I finally cleaned my room....It was a difficult task but I managed... Some how ....
I still however have about 6 loads of laundry to do but I just don't care enough to start in on them. Justin and I went to see 'Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind' It was the best movie of all time.... I am in love with it. It was the perfect blend of really happy, strange, and real. To use Justin's words it was one of those movies that as soon as it's over you want to watch it again.

That Justin, he knows his stuff when It comes to movies, and music.....And procrastination....

speaking of which I have to go listen to music and delay the laundry and other very important things I should be doing .....

'Cause I Know I'm A Mess That He Don't Want To Clean Up

My room looks like about 15 frat boys lives in it. I have laundry all over the floor and everywhere else, some clean some dirty I've stopped trying to figure out which is which. My cds are strewn about along with magazines books and other random things I've brought up here since the last time I cleaned it.....When was that? Who knows....

I have a crush....That's all I'm going to say about it now, for fear of obsessing over it and turning myself into one of those girls we all hate. It's new and may not even turn into anything but it's fun right now. I don't really even know the kid, but that's what aim is for.....No?

I've been watching My So-Called Life again....I bought the series on DVD for 80 dollars *angry hate spending money face* but it was totally worth it I love the show. It was on when I was in 6th grade and it was my life for a little while there, and watching it brings back memories of those days. It's a nice feeling in a weird way.

I'm going to stop procrastinating and go clean my room......Right after I take a shower.....

"Hi My Name Is New England And I Hate Everyone"

Why is it snowing? I hate the snow I was so ready for the grass and the rain and the warmth of spring. Fucking snow.

Today was a weird day. I woke up at 8:40 when I had to be into work at 9. I've been sick and I took some Advil cold and sinus PM so I could sleep and I remember setting the alarm but I guess I never turned it on. Funny how it won't wake you up that way. So needless to say I was late for work and I had really only been up for like 20 minutes when I got there, and it just made the whole day seem off. And then the snow started and I began to wonder why I got out of bed at all......

And She's My Friend Of All Friends

Longest week ever! Sue was home on spring break, which basically meant very little sleep and a whole lot of laughing. Seriously I don't know what I would do with out her some days, hell everyday. She is without a doubt my best friend. I feel bad saying that because I have other friends who I feel really close to too but Sue and I have been though everything together. There are things that I could never tell anyone else that she knows, things that I do with her that I would never do with anyone else. We have so many inside jokes and new ones that we add every time we hang out. I have never laughed harder with anyone else and I don't think I ever will.

We went to the school one day to see the teachers. And it made me feel really old. They treated us like adults, talked to us differently, even looked at us in a new way. It was strange. Like everything they had to be neutral about when we were students they could now speak freely about. I guess it really wasn't that big of a deal but it seemed like it at the time. It was one of those days when you realize that you've grown up a little. Even if you hadn't noticed it before there it is.....Adulthood, staring you in the face.

We also hung out with Mr. Mead one night. We went to Friendly's and then just drove around for about two hours. It was fun in an odd way. He is the only person I know that can make me feel the way he does. He makes me feel like I want to be who he thinks I am. I want to be that stable, trusting in herself girl that he sees me as. He says things to me that make me think that someday I can get there. That I won't always be this mess of emotion and uncertainty that I am now. He makes me realize that the problems that I think I have won't always be there. He gives me hope that I will go to school, find the life I want, and a person who will love me for me, that I won't be alone forever. It's a feeling that doesn't last long after I say goodbye to him but for that little while it's nice to have hope.

I had a huge fight with my parents this week too. It was stupid and just not worth it but it happened and made me look at my life and myself in a way that I have been putting off ever since my mom got diagnosed. I've haven't really dealt with the whole 'cancer' thing yet and I know that I need to but I've been making other things more important so I didn't have to think about my mom being sick. But the fight was about me treating the house like my apartment because I had a few friends over for a half an hour. It was a stupid fight and it didn't really make any sense to me, but it made my mom upset which made my dad pissed at me which made me pissed at both of them. My mom for yelling at me in front of people for no good reason and my dad for getting upset when he wasn't even there to be upset by the actual thing. He was just mad at me because my mom got mad. Of course they threw in the whole 'you think you are better than all of us' shit that they always pull when I'm in trouble. And how I need to put more into helping around the house and do the laundry and kiss my mother's ass. Basically they just yelled at me for 4 days and then acted like nothing happened. I love it when they do that.

I also got a $100 speeding ticket on Friday. I had just had another little spat with my mom and Sue and I were on the way to her house, we were on 91 and My door sounded as if It were open so I pulled off onto 5 & 10 so I could close it. So I pulled over and close my door then started to drive again, we were gonna get back onto the highway like 5 feet down the road and I was going like 60 and I say to Susan 'hmm I should slow down we're not on the highway anymore' so I slowed down but I guess I sped back up cause the next thing I know I'm seeing the blue lights of Hatfield's ONE cop. So I was pissed from the fighting with the parents and blabla so I was just like whatever about it all.......The funny thing is we pass each other every day going home from work going like 70. Oh well.

So that was the high points of my week. So much excitement I know try to hold yourselves back......

Long Time No Blog

Wow you would think since I haven't written in a week or so I would have something exciting to say but I really just don't.....I haven't really been doing much of anything..... Working hanging out with people, my exciting life I know....

I guess I'll just go to bed and hope that I have some more exciting news tomorrow.....