Hot Men Between My Legs

I got my new tattoo!!! I am so in love with it right now. It hurt some but a lot less then I expected it to. Plus I had a hot man between my legs so that kinda lessened the pain I'm sure. That sounds bad I know but that's where he had to be to give me the tattoo. I got it on my hip, so I was laying back on a table with my legs on the arms of the chair that he was sitting in. He was so hot! In a very Johnny Depp sort of way. I just thought of something do you all remember that hair gel 'depp' it was really gross and sticky? My sister and I would load up our hair with it and then burn it to a crisp it in the krimper to get that nice crunchy texture....Man the early 90's were great.

I had a new muffler put on my car on Saturday. Lucy is so quiet now. When I started her up I had to make sure she was running because I didn't hear her....a nice change. The guy at the muffler place was quite hot as well. In a grease under his nails, dirty coveralls sort of way. I'm a little boy crazy lately, but I guess that's to be expected. They charge $17 an hour for labor and I was sitting there with at least 20 bad bad pick up lines running through my head based just on that fact.

I'm hanging out with Hilly tomorrow, we are going to hot James's apartment so I can meet his roommate. I guess he needs to be hooked up with someone, so why not let it be me, Right? Well I guess that's it for now. I have to work 9-5 tomorrow...ewwww I really don't want to.

SO I'm a little drunk on this fine Friday night...Once again waiting on my computer for you......Hoping that you will come on and invite me over....Who knows stranger things have happened...... I hung out with Becca and her two friends from college...Wait that sounded wrong she doesn't only have two friends I mean I hung out with her and two of her friends from school....We went to Friendly's and stalked a hot boy who's name shall not be spoken but who knows who he is......Then we went bowling and saw many random people who I have not seen or even thought of in months on end. Then we went to another one of Becca's many many friend's house's...Where I drank the perfect amount of vodka and hung out with all of them for a while.... Oh points for me I picked up on my first bi/les vibe tonight...I was very excited...She was cute and I probably would have fooled around with her but we had to leave....So now I'm home hoping that hot Friendly's boy will come online and invite me over for some hot hot lovin'......Wow I must be a little drunk....I just said hot hot lovin'.......geeze....Ok I guess that's all for now hopefully I'll have some better confessions to make tomorrow........

Heart of Stone


What is Your Heart REALLY Made of?
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Figures! HA

It's Not Just Me That Feels Like Shit Today There Must Be Something In The Food

When I was in High school I had a group of 12 extremely awesome friends. We were all close and had these great times together. They all went off to college after graduation like normal people do. I on the other hand, chose to take a year off which turned into two which is now threatening to turn into three. So when I had emails from all of them in my inbox tonight I was somewhat hesitant about reading them. It's not that I don't still love them all and it's not that I don't want to hear what's going on in their lives it's just that I can't help but be somewhat jealous. They are all off having lives with new people in them and all that, talking about studying abroad and I'm just starting to think of placement tests and FASFA......I just feel left out. And I know it was by my own choices but that doesn't make it any better in my eyes. I know I should just get off my ass and kick my life into gear and hopefully I will take the hint and do just that. But It doesn't seem like today is the day that that is going to happen.

All I Ask For Is Instant Pleasure


GOD DAMN IT! I want to have sex now! Right now! And there is no one to fuck! Sorry that was a little much...ya know what? No I'm not sorry that is how I feel right now. I make no apologies for that. My um how do you say 'fuck buddy' is no where to be found these days. So I'm left high and dry so to speak.....The last episode of sex and the city was on tonight. It makes me sad to see a show like that go off the air. It was a good show, it made women such as myself feel ok with the fact that we have sex drive. That we want the same things as a man sometimes.... I will miss it greatly, I pour out a little of my 40 for the loss of the show...Ha I am so ghetto.....

Fun In Velcro Shoes

I hate this blogger crap-ola it keeps publishing things twice and then not recognizing the fact that I deleted one of them...Ugh...Modern junk!

So I did go disco bowling, but we weren't there when all the disco fun was going on. It was ok, I don't know how I feel about bowling in general, never mind bowling to bad 70's music while colored lights flash around. I love Hillary and her Boyfriend Chris too they are cool cool people. It's kinda rare that I find people that I click with right away, it usually takes a while and maybe a couple of bribes before people will put up with me. But we had fun.

I can not wait to sleep in tomorrow morning. I always feel like I get the best sleep between the hours of 7am and noon, but I never get to sleep during those hours. Stupid work it ruins everything....

Here's A Question That's Been Tested

My mother asked me bitchily "When are you going to grow up?" tonight. I take offense to that. I guess anyone would, but she really made me feel like an ass. I know I'm not really doing what I should be. I should be going to school, or at least preparing to go in the fall. Instead I'm working not really all that much, wasting my money on shit I don't need, when I should be saving it up for the life that I will eventually have to face the facts and live. I don't know what my problem is about school. I've known what I want to do since I was in 6th grade, yet here it is 2 years after high school graduation and I'm not one inch closer to it than I was back then. I have something wrong with me that is keeping me from doing what I want to be doing. I sometimes wonder what if we never moved? Would I have gotten my shit together and gone to school like everyone else? Would I have more friends? A love life? Would I be feeling anything that remotely resembles happiness?

But those are things that can't be answered because I did move. I'm not in school like everyone else. I Don't have more friends. Or a love life, other than a loosely defined 'friends with benefits' type of thing. And as of late nothing that feels like happiness. So Maybe now is the time for me to grow up and get my act together. At least then my mother would leave me alone.....

I cut my friend Justin's hair last night. He doesn't like it as of right now...But he'll come around I just know it......mainly because it looks really good..... I have nothing to confess, lazily or otherwise....Sorry. I am however going Disco-bowling tomorrow night with some girlies from work....It should be fun.....

I'm in a really sucky mood right now. My mom is pissing me off left and right, she keeps telling me that I'm a stuck up bitch and the like. I swear she is trying to pick fights with me and I'm just fucking sick of it. I know she has cancer and I'm real sorry about all that and I do love her but I just want her to leave me the fuck alone. From the second I walk in the door to the time I go to bed she is on my ass. A million questions and thousand little things she wants me to do. It's like let me go to my room and leave me alone. I just want to be antisocial for a while when I come home from work. I hope you can all relate to that.

On a happier note....I went to see my best friend in the whole wide world this weekend!! We had some god times. Some of her boyfriend's friends were there too, so we all hung out, had some fun. Eh hem.....Yeah. I guess that's it for now. Sorry no exciting news to report.

I bought some new chapstick today and when I put it on memories of you came back to me. Visions of us in ninth grade, standing by the ramp during ten minute break. I would put on chapstick and you would lean in to kiss it off. You would respond either by giving me a shake of your head or another kiss. Vanilla was your favorite that one always got a second kiss. I've been thinking a lot about us lately. The way we were, with our own jokes and secret codes. It was stupid of me to think that we could get that back now. We may still remember the code and retell the jokes but the language has changed, we're speaking now in some foreign tongue of adulthood our ninth grade minds can't comprehend.

So it is with a sweet sadness that I come to terms with that. I'll put away the pictures of us, keep them in a box with the rest of high school. File away all the poetry that was written with you in mind. I'm sure I'll get a craving for you in the months to come and I'll dig them back out. Pull the pictures out from the piles, flip through the notebooks, reading over the words scrawled in my high school hand. But I'll keep the chapstick and the memory of your lips on mine. I can't quit cold turkey you're just too hard to shake.

"Time. Thought I'd make friends with time."

I've been falling in love with Tori Amos again. I loved her in middle school and the beginning of high school, mostly because my best friend at the time always listened to her. Her albums became the soundtrack of those days. And now, years later we are sadly no longer friends, but I still listen to her cds in a way of bringing us back to life. When I hear certain songs I can still see us there in her room, on her deceivingly comfortable bed. Candles throwing jumpy light onto the magazine pages she had pasted to the walls. Just sitting around listening to music and talking about everything. God I miss her some days. Although I have a new best friend, one who I love very very much but in a different way, there are days when I think that I would give anything to go back to those days of Tori Amos and writing on walls, poetry and painting, hair dye and little jars of jelly.

I found myself itching for summer today. Thunderstorms, heat lighting, bare feet, grass. Everything about summer has me wishing it were here right now instead of in 3 months. There is something about rain that makes it so soothing. The snow's got nothing for me I need the summer now. Crush it into a fine powder and I'll snort it. Boil summer down and give it to me intravenously.

I just watched sex and the city. It was full of questions which led me to ask some of my own.

* How long can someone have casual sex before it turns into something else either good or bad?

*Does it have to turn into more?

* Do I really want more?

* Am I ok with the fact that I don't?

*Does that make me a horrible slut?

*Do I really care if it does?

I think that these questions don't really matter, because the answers won't change anything. I'll continue to do what I'm doing because whether it's wrong or not it's making me happy for the time being. That might or might not change, but as of right now whatever happens next I'll be ok.

My sister has come to stay at our house for a few days, I am more pissed than I have been in a while over this. My mother's relationship with my sister has always been a sore spot with me. Ever since we were little kids my sister has gotten what ever she wanted, and even what I wanted along with that. There is that saying 'The sweaky wheel always gets the grease', well my sister must be drowning in the grease by now. My mother gives in to her all the time. There has never been a time when I felt equal to her in the help that she gets even though I am the 'better' child.

My sister dropped out of high school in ninth grade, has never held a job for more than a week, and basically just sponges off of everyone she can. I on the other hand, have had a job in one way or another since I was 16, pay my own bills (along with some of the household expenses) and never have been outrightly cruel to my mother. I say this last point not because I am always sugar and spice to my mom because sometimes I'm just a plain bitch. But my sister has in the past called my mother every name in the book, including 'cunt' which is possibly the worst thing you could call your mom. I mean seriously think about saying to your mother "you are a just a stupid cunt aren't you?" I could never do It, but I've heard that come out of my sister's mouth more than once. My mother had a restraining order on my sister at one point, after a particularly bad few days in which my sister literally punched her in the face, tried to strangle her, leaving horrible bruises and scratches down her neck and face, and asked her the question "what makes you think I won't kill you in your sleep?". This is my lovely sister.

So I think I am vindicated in hating her so much. Because it's not just my mother who she has hurt. Physically or emotionally she has abused everyone in the family. She has repeatedly told my step father, who I consider my dad, that she doesn't have to listen to him because he is not her real father. Growing up she was constantly hitting me, pinching me, putting me down for being a little heavy when she herself was significantly over weight. There are a few times in particular that I remember over the years. When I was about 5 or 6 our older sister was babysitting and we all wanted some ice cream but there was only enough for one bowl. But instead of splitting it between us, my middle sister got it all because it was just easier to give her what she wanted rather than have her screaming for hours. When I was in 8th grade she wanted to move to South Carolina with one of her friends but like always had no job or any money. So my mother bought her a plane ticket with the stern rule that she was going to work down there until she had made enough money to buy her ticket home. She was down there not 6 hours before the call came that she wanted to come home. She hated it, couldn't bare to stay there a second longer. So what did my mom do? Stick to her guns? No of course not. She put another plane ticket on the emergency credit card to bring my sister home. Shit like that happened all the time. She would screw up my mom would fix it. I would screw up and was expected to handle it on my own.

Among her many other sparkling talents my sister can also tell a lie to get out of anything. You can catch her in a lie and she'll just keep lying until A) you get so pissed you don't care anymore or B) she lies her way out of it. It's sad really. I think she actually believes her lies. Some of them anyway. She's been telling the same ones for so long I don't think she can even remember what the truth is.

My sister is also a cleptomaniac. I'm not kidding. She will take anything that isn't nailed down. When we were all living in the same house we had locks on our doors. I would keep everything I owned locked away in my room. I would do my laundry only when I could be there to do the whole cycle never letting it out of my sight because if she wanted one of my shirts she would have it if I left it unattended. She broke the lock on my door more times than I care to recall. She would literally go shopping in my room. I would come home and my door would be swinging freely and she'd be in her room listening to a pile of my cds on my cd player wearing my clothes. It was crazy! Once I slept over a friends house only to come home to her sleeping in my bed. Behind my locked door (I kept a dead bolt on the inside to keep her out when I was home as well) I couldn't even have my own bed. And her excuse? 'My room smells and I can't sleep in there" I was livid. She spent the next three months on the couch rather than clean her room. I came home from work one day after just having cashed my check, and put my bag on the table. I was in the living room watching tv, she was in the kitchen, with my bag. This was a rare thing I would normally have brought my purse up stairs and locked it away but I was tired. I had left the house at 6:45 that morning for school and then went straight to work until 9. I know we all did it. Poor me, but the point of the story is that she was stealing from my wallet. I walked into the kitchen and saw her with my money in her hand. When I asked her what the fuck she thought she was doing she lamely said 'I wanted to see if you had ID so I could take you out' I was 17 at the time. When I told my parents about this later that night my dad was furious. All my mom said was 'I'll pay you back on Thursday' I didn't want my mom's money I wanted my sister to learn a lesson. I wanted her to know that lying wasn't an option anymore. That sooner or later she was going to have to grow up. A few months later when my father and I finally couldn't take it anymore and forced my mom to kick her out, it was so nice to be able to leave my room unlocked, put money on the table and know it would be there when you got home. Leave laundry in the dryer for a few hours if I had to. Everyone felt like this, but I got scolded for saying it out loud. Of course.

Maybe I am better for it. Maybe it helped me grow up in a way that she never will. But that realization isn't going to make these next few days easier to deal with. Between the never ending phone calls that I'm sure she will be making about how horrible her life is and how she has no one that cares about her, all this said while she's talking on our phone in our house, eating our food and using our washer and dryer to do laundry that she stole from me over the years. I just feel like saying to her 'Yes poor you no one loves you or cares about you at all' My sister is 23 years old I wish with everything I have that my mother would just cut the fucking cord and make her grow up. Instead of bailing her out eveytime she wears out her welcome with which ever friend she is sponging off of this month.

Now I just want to say that I write all this not because I think I am perfect because lord knows I am far from it, but because I am sick and tired of sitting around and letting my sister get away with the shit she pulls. Plus I just needed to get some of this stuff off my chest and what better way than to type it out on my blog.

I woke up to the sound of my parents fighting. Something about my dad saying he would go into work and my mom telling him she would. I guess the school had to be unlocked for some event and there were already people there waiting for one of them. They never would have fought about something so stupid before, but ever since my mother got sick my dad feels like he has to protect her from everything. He took a nap yesterday and while he was asleep my mom went to the store. He called me at work freaking out that he woke up and she wasn't there. My mom is the most sufficient woman I know and not even a little cancer is going stop her from doing things when she wants them done.
It's just strange to me. And a little worrisome, that my dad feels like he has to protect my mom and keep her safe because she's not like that at all she doesn't need anyone. Ever. She can do anything. I guess I'm still coming to terms with the fact that that might be changing.

I wanted to leave you completely pleased

She drove out to see him after months of telling herself she wouldn't do it again. It was 2:19 in the morning when she got in the car. The whole way there she was shaking, knowing that he would give her what she wanted. He always did. The only one who knew what she liked and just how to give it to her. He knew that she liked it to get a little rough. A tug of her hair, pulling her head back to expose her neck. A lock hard jaw on her shoulder, a nibble on her lower lip. He greeted her at the door with a gentle kiss and a hug from the side. They walked up stairs. He lay back on the bed waiting for her to come to him. The next few minutes would set the tone for the evening. She dropped her coat on the floor and walked over to the bed. Straddling him they kissed deeply for a long time. She pulled back bringing his lower lip with her between her teeth. With that it all began. He sat up with her still on his lap. The next half hour was a blur of kisses and bites, hands and tongues. Finger nails tracing the paths that hadn't been followed in months. She guided him inside her, and they moved together in a way that was familiarly nice. He had always been the dominant one so when she leaned down and whispered in his ear "do whatever you want" he took the incentive and did just that. Afterward they lay there in silence for a while like they always did. Tracing over each other's skin, looking for marks left behind. Then as always one of them started up a conversation and they settled into it easily.

Hours later she got back into her car. It was 5:27 when she pulled into her driveway. Upstairs she peeled off her clothes and crawled into bed. Under her own covers she could still smell him. Feel him on her. She reluctantly fell to sleep and woke up in the same position. He always did tire her out.

Holy Smokes


I took a few days off but now I'm back! Not much has happened really. My friend Sarah from work...kinda....Moved out to Call and now she is all warm and I'm still here freezing my ass off. I shall miss her like Woah! But I will survive without her...Somehow. Speaking of work.... I am up for associate of the quarter! Which isn't really anything, if I win I'll get a $50 gift card to Marshall's woo woo. And a little paper saying I won and how they are so happy to have me working for them!

There is a church across from my house that closed the day we moved in, not because we moved in.....We're evil but not that evil.....But someone bought it and they are turning it into a steak house of some kind but they are calling it holy smokes. Isn't that great. My mom keeps saying how maybe she'll get a job as a waitress and say things like "Holy smokes! Are You ordering that?" and "Holy smokes! You call that a tip?" she found herself to be quite funny, but that could just be the medication.

Friday the 6th is National wear red day. Everyone is should wear something red. It's supposed to raise awareness for heart disease, it's the number one killer of women. Especially young women. So put on something red and when people look at you all crazy like because Valentines day is next weekend tell them about why you are wearing it now, instead of on that icky icky holiday that only makes all us single people feel all the more lonely.

Holy Smokes! You call that a blog entry?