I'm feeling pretty shitty today. I had my first one night stand last night. What makes It a one night stand and not just a first time sleeping with someone? How about *I knew the kid for probably about 45 minutes before I slept with him. *The fact that if I saw him in a crowd of people today I would only have a vague idea of which one he was. *I left before he got up, eased my way out from under his arm and crept out of the room slowly closing the door behind me hoping to god he wouldn't wake up. Why did I do it? Well now that is a much more difficult question. For one *I was drunk and when I drink I get horny which is a horrible excuse but I have to let myself fall back on the whole 'I wasn't thinking clearly' thing because If I can't do that then I might really start to hate myself and that is never good. *I had been canceled on by someone who I thought/think I might actually love twice in the past week, preventing me from seeing him before he went back to school for a long time. *The fact that I had these thoughts/feelings about him scared the shit out of me, but worse the thought that he may or may not be having the same thoughts or feelings about me....I haven't decided which would be worst him feeling them or not feeling them. *I had talked to someone that I was regularly sleeping with for a while, but hadn't actually talked to in about two months, in the afternoon. It's strange how someone can be such a big part of your life for so long and then just not be there at all. It's interesting how little impact something like that makes on your day to day self. In some cases and then the huge impact it makes in others. I guess it depends on the person who is or isn't there anymore. It's interesting how one of them after five years in still so much in my system and the other after three months or so is fully out of my mind. All I know is that I am not happy with my life right now, my body, my feelings or lack there of. There are various other reasons why I did what I did this weekend, none of which really add up to sleeping with some random guy being a good idea.