I had the laziest day of my life today. I woke up at about 10 which is really sleeping in for me these days, since I normally get up at 5:30ish to go to work. I stayed in bed until around noon, just being lazy. Reading a little. Writing a little poetry. I watched 5 movies today. It was so nice to just lay around and do nothing. My room is a mess, I have a rather large pile of laundry to do, and various other chores and errands that needed to be done but I didn't do any of them. I pat myself on the back for my complete lack of motivation today. But all this means that I have to be productive tomorrow. I hate Sundays. They have this way of sneaking up on you and going by way too fast. I always say on Saturday night 'oh well I'll do it tomorrow' but then Sunday night rolls around and I'm like oh shit I got nothing done today. At least I'm not in school, and It's just housework and errands that I slack on and not important things like homework or required reading.

Have a Super Sunday! Woo! I hate football so I'll be doing my chores and trying my best to avoid all that.

I'm pissed today.

I don't even really know why I'm just in a bad mood. As I was driving to work today and SIX cars, SIX, cut me off and then put the brakes on. There was no one behind me. Is it so hard to wait the two fucking seconds it would take for me to pass you to pull out? I don't think it would have killed any of them. I get to work late and my manager is in a bad mood, she's like "oh hi, here's what I want you to do" she tells me one thing. This will probably take me about 10 minutes, so when I finish I have to go find her to see what the next thing she wants me to do is. And she gets mad that you ask her 'what now'. My thing is tell me the whole list of shit that needs to get done and I'll do it. I'll be busy all day and I can leave you alone. Problem solved.

I wish I could put out a handbook for shoppers. Anyone who doesn't work in retail won't really appreciate this rant, but for those of you who do or ever have you'll know what I'm saying.

Why is it that people constantly need to ask if you work there? I have a arm load of clothes, a rolling rack is not far away from me and I'm wearing my name tag. This guy comes up to me and goes "do you work here" I am not in the mood, other days I can deal with the stupidity of the public but today I just couldn't. I was like "what gave it away" he then proceeded to ask a really dumb question like where the shoe department or some department, I don't remember. All of the departments are clearly marked by 5x2 foot signs. Take two seconds, look up and save me the annoyance of having to deal with you. Chances are if you see someone straightening, cleaning, putting out stock, or anything else you wouldn't go into a store and start doing, They work there. I understand you need to say something to get our attention but a simple excuse me would work just fine.

Now people call the store all the time to ask if we have this or that, whatever that's fine but when I get on the phone to help you, ask for what it is you want. Don't tell me your whole fucking life story. I don't care if you have two grandkids in Colorado that need new winter jackets. I'll find the ones you saw in the store when you were there yesterday if they are still in the store. But don't get mad at me If they aren't. Why the fuck didn't you buy them when you were there the day before? And once I find what you are looking for and ask for your name so I can put it on hold for you just tell me your name. If I wanted to know you are going to be in tomorrow to get it because you have a gyno appointment in the area and it will be super easy for you to come and get it, I would ask. But trust me I don't care and thus would never ask.

We have these rolling racks to bring clothing out from the stock room to the floor. They are probably about an inch taller than me so I have to reach over my head just a little to pull off the clothes. Jeans are heavy. Men's jeans are hung folded in half with zipper folded in (you all know how men's jeans are hung I don't really need to explain this to you) but this makes them fall off the hangers real easy. So when I am carrying a bunch of them from the rolling rack to the run, please don't stop me to ask a stupid question that you can answer yourself just by looking around or reading a sign. And when I try continue to walk over to the run to put the jeans down don't try to stop me by grabbing my arm or continually calling out 'miss' I heard your question but my arms are killing me and I will need them to punch you in the face so let me but the pants down first.

People do this all the time and It is possibly the most annoying thing a customer can do. When you take a shirt, a pair of pants, a jacket, whatever, off the hanger to hold them up to or to try on in the aisle even though we have a fitting room for you to do that in, PUT IT BACK ON THE FUCKING HANGER! Don't throw it over the rack and walk away. I know it is my job to recover but I rehang shit all day and I am still alive and kicking so I don't think it would kill you to put the article of clothing that you took off the hanger back on it.

If you have a question look around, read the signs, try to figure it out on your own before you come find one of us to answer it for you because chances are you can do it all on your own. Remember we are not your servants or maids. If you drop a nasty tissue bend over and pick it up, if your kid throws up on the floor ask for a mop or at least tell someone so we can clean it up before another customer slips and sues us because you need to shop even if that means you have to carry your 16 day old baby around with you when it's -5 outside. We are not personal shoppers. They don't pay us enough for that. Don't ask me to 'pull' some dress pants for you, because you are in a hurry and don't have time to look. Come back when you do have the time to look or go without.

So there are some basic rules to go by when you are shopping for clothing. I'm sure the topic of customer annoyance will be a continuing one, but next time you go into a store like Marshall's and the sales people are not all smiles and good cheer, remember it's stupid people like you that make us that way so don't add to the problem.

The Lung Is Back!!

My mother's lung has inflated itself. This is very exciting news indeed! She can now breath without the oxygen tank most of the time.....Ok for fear that this blog is going to turn into mymomhascancer.com I am going to talk about something else, because yes she does have cancer but sometimes it's nice not to talk about it.

I really want to thank my friends for making me feel so loved lately. I have been really down and choosing not to face reality, but two of you in particular have really helped me out you know who you are....So thanks girls! I love ya!!

*the spell check suggested that I change the "ya" to "ye"....So thanks girls I love ye!! hahaha I don't care who you are that's funny right there.

I've always had this fear that my mother was going to die and I wasn't going to be there with her. When I was little I had terrible nightmares in which our house would be on fire and somehow I would get out but she wouldn't. I would wake up in a cold sweat my tears soaking my pillow. Then I would crawl into her bed with her and she would rub my back and tell me everything would be ok. That she was there and she wasn't going anywhere.
When I was in third grade I had to carry a picture of her around with me in a envelope. There was a note with it, written on pink paper that said 'I love you'. Through out the day I must have looked at that at least 100 times. I called her every day at lunch. I remember a couple of times she didn't answer and I would fall onto the nurse's room floor and cry my eyes out, a million terrible thoughts running through my mind. I was thinking that she had died while I was at school. I wasn't there with her. I'll never see her again. Then the nurse would try the number again and she would answer and slowly talk me down from my hysteria and I could finish the rest of the school day. I didn't spend the night at a friends house until I was 13. Not even my best friend's which was literally across the court yard maybe half the size of a football field away. I could look out her window and see into my sisters room, but I couldn't see my mom so I couldn't do it. I was ok until the lights got turned off and we were expected to go to sleep. I would be fine and then I would start to think about all the things that could happen while I was out of the house. Someone could break in, kill my mother in her sleep. There could be a fire, did I leave my crimpper plugged in? I couldn't stand the thought that something bad might happen to my mom and I wouldn't be there to die with her. That was the big thing. It was ok if she died as long as I died with her. Then it wouldn't be me left behind without her.

I eventually grew up. I started to stay over friends houses, still calling my mom to say goodnight and once in the morning to make sure she lived through the night without me. Then I became a teenager and the 'leave me alone' gene took hold of me. I would tell my mother I hated her for making me stay home, not letting me go to a party that I shouldn't have been at anyway. I wanted her die some days and I would tell her this and she would keep a straight face and tell me calmly that she knew I didn't really mean it and that she loved me. Pretty soon all that evened out and I could appreciate my mother. All the wonderful stuff she did for me growing up. All the times she pulled together a wonderful Christmas even though we didn't really have the money. The things she taught me. How to play rummy, how to speak my mind and never back down from it if it was what I truly believed. How to be the woman I am now, one that I am proud to be. Even if I feel like shit some days, or make a few bad decisions now and then.

I love my mom and I don't want her to die. I didn't want her to when I was just a kid crying on the nurse's room floor in the third grade and I don't want her to now that I'm a 20 year old woman trying to hold it all together and appear to be strong. So when she sat me down tonight and started to talk about the possibility that it could be someday in the not too distant future that I have to deal with the fact that she is going to die, and I won't be dying with her, I wasn't ready for it. She has a meeting with her oncologist tomorrow. This meeting will give us all a time line for what is to happen next. I don't believe in god. I never have and probably never will. That's just not in the equation for me, but I ask who or whatever is out there to make my mom ok. Make it so I don't have to carry around a picture and I note again. Because this time I won't be able to just call her and have her tell me that everything is ok.

I'm feeling pretty shitty today. I had my first one night stand last night. What makes It a one night stand and not just a first time sleeping with someone? How about *I knew the kid for probably about 45 minutes before I slept with him. *The fact that if I saw him in a crowd of people today I would only have a vague idea of which one he was. *I left before he got up, eased my way out from under his arm and crept out of the room slowly closing the door behind me hoping to god he wouldn't wake up. Why did I do it? Well now that is a much more difficult question. For one *I was drunk and when I drink I get horny which is a horrible excuse but I have to let myself fall back on the whole 'I wasn't thinking clearly' thing because If I can't do that then I might really start to hate myself and that is never good. *I had been canceled on by someone who I thought/think I might actually love twice in the past week, preventing me from seeing him before he went back to school for a long time. *The fact that I had these thoughts/feelings about him scared the shit out of me, but worse the thought that he may or may not be having the same thoughts or feelings about me....I haven't decided which would be worst him feeling them or not feeling them. *I had talked to someone that I was regularly sleeping with for a while, but hadn't actually talked to in about two months, in the afternoon. It's strange how someone can be such a big part of your life for so long and then just not be there at all. It's interesting how little impact something like that makes on your day to day self. In some cases and then the huge impact it makes in others. I guess it depends on the person who is or isn't there anymore. It's interesting how one of them after five years in still so much in my system and the other after three months or so is fully out of my mind. All I know is that I am not happy with my life right now, my body, my feelings or lack there of. There are various other reasons why I did what I did this weekend, none of which really add up to sleeping with some random guy being a good idea.

I spent Friday night and Saturday with my best girl Sue. We had some good times... Tons of laughs and I spent too much money.....Tonight I'm going out with my sister, this should be interesting seeing how we don't get along at all 90% of the time. Who knows it might actually be fun.

The weekend after Christmas my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and a tumor in her right lung which looked like it could be cancer but they still don't know for sure yet. She was in the hospital for 2 weeks and then came home. With an oxygen tank that looked like R2D2, and various signs to put up around the house such as "oxygen in use, no smoking" and my dad made one up that says "cancer ridden, mother no bitching" that's how my family has always dealt with stuff like this it's all just a big joke. We all have sick senses of humor. Now having said that what I'm about to say might seem a bit mean but this is just what's going on right now so deal with it.....She is driving me insane. It might just be because I am so used to her being strong and self sufficient but it seems like I can't walk by her without her asking me to do something for her. Get her this. Pick up that. Empty the trash. Do the Dishes. Clean up the house...You get the point. Now all this wouldn't bother me so much if I wasn't the only one doing all this stuff. If my dad and sister would help out a little it wouldn't get to me so easily. But it seems like I've been doing it all. Along with paying the bills and working 40 hours a week....I know I know my mom has cancer and I shouldn't even be complaining but I feel like I haven't really even processed it all or dealt with the fact that my mom could die. I'm 20 I don't want my mom to die. She's only 45 that's young. She's the strongest woman I know. It's scary to see her with oxygen tubes, and so weak she can't walk from the living room to the bathroom without stopping at the kitchen table to rest. And I guess that's why I get so mad because I'm scared but I can't tell anyone about it because they are all scared too. My mom is usually the one I would go running to so I could cry on and she'd rub my back and tell me everything is going to be OK. But she can't really tell me that can she. I guess no one can.

So I decided to get a blog since all the cool people have them. I didn't want to be left out of all the exciting-ness that is online crap about myself. Plus I need something to do while on the computer since all my music is now on here because my piece of shit cd player broke again....modern junk.