So I'll Be Sure To Stay Weary Of You Love, To Save The Pain Of Once My Flame And Twice My Burn

I slept shallow in your bed last night.
Your back to me most of the time.
Arms around me the rest.
I layed awake.
Counting the seconds between the blinks of the smoke detector on your ceiling.
It was usually ten, sometimes more, sometimes less.
Somehow the minutes turned into hours and the sun started to rise.
You rolled over, pulled me close, the length of your body matching mine.
And that made it ok.
All the seconds I spent counting forgotten.
The chilly air suddenly seeming just a little bit warmer.

If I seem gaurded now, it's because I am.
I'm still feeling this out.
Counting the seconds between lulls in our conversations.
Time lengthens between our kisses.
usually minutes, sometimes more, sometimes less.
I'm trying to figure out what this is.
If you're just in this in body or more.
It's getting harder and harder to tell.

If I Know It's Fire Why Do I Let It Burn My Hand

I had to see you. To hear your voice. To kiss you. To hold you. I called you, and we hung out in the guise of getting a drink. I surprised you, and myself a little, by saying we should skip the drink and just go up to your dad's. The drive up was just as I remembered. Long and curvy the weight of your hand on my thigh. The planes of your face changing with the passing headlights. Your kiss is the same. Hungry and breath taking. Your hands traced over the paths they always had. Our bodies fit together as if only minutes has passed since they were last tangled up together. We lied there in your bed, your arms around me, my leg thrown over yours, and it was just like it always had been. Me and you. There in your room no one else ever mattered. I fell into an easy sleep with you wrapped around me. I haven't slept that deep in months, I was always waking up alone and reaching out to nothing but pillows. Last night I didn't even have to reach, you were right there. Arms around me, feet twisted together. Snoring in my ear.

Sometime while the sun was rising I woke up and watched you sleeping. There in that thin November light what had happened the night before hit me. And I didn't expect to feel the way I did. It was strange because I remembered how I felt months ago when I would wake up in your bed, and that feeling was still there, a warmth that spread out from my chest. But now there was the knowledge that I gained over the last couple months mixing with it. I'm not saying I regret spending the night with you, because I really loved being there again. But there was that nagging feeling that I was there again, back in the rotation. The Wednesday girl. I don't know why I did it, don't get me wrong I'm glad I did... I just don't want to feel that way again. I don't want to feel used. I don't want to feel like one of the many. I don't think it will ever get back to what it was. I'm too smart for that now, and a little bit too scared. But I'm sure I will give in to the urge and call you, and we'll get tangled up together again even if only for that night. And I guess that is all I can expect now. A few nights of you here and there. Us being us, bad for each other, but unable to cut loose.

Creative Writing

They met in line at the bank. It was a hazy Friday afternoon. Payday. The lines were impossibly long and slow moving. It was hot inside the bank, huge plate glass windows filled the west facing wall flooding the space with that orange-gold glow that belongs exclusively to summer. The air conditioner, try as it may, was no match for the poor architecture and the mid-July heat wave. She could hear it sputtering, coughing out chilly air that was tepid by the time it reached ground level. She craned her neck trying in vein to catch even a slight breeze from the fan behind the row of tellers. Instead she got a breath full of the sent of a man. A familiar smell of deodorant, and cologne, mixed slightly with something else.... Paint thinner perhaps, or maybe just sweat. It was the sent of a man, a man that worked with his hands. She let her mind wander with that thought for a moment, picturing this man, who's shadow stretched out long, but broad, next to her own on the utilitarian beige carpeting. When she checked her watch and it said 4:50 she started to get even more impatient, the bank was only open until five and she was still six people back in line. A fresh wave of heat passed over her. She pulled the light cotton sun dress she wore away from the small of her back, where it was sticking slightly to her moistened skin, trying to relieve the heat. But she couldn't quite catch hold of her slip. As she was fishing a hair clip out of her canvas bag she could feel the weight of this mystery man's stare on her. When she finally got a hold of her hair clip and pulled it out a pot of lip gloss came out with it. It fell to the floor rolling back and to her right. As she turned to pick it up she came face to face with the man of her recent day dreams. Standing there holding her lip gloss in the palm of his big open hand. She let her eyes wash over him, taking him in. He was attractive. Tall, broad shouldered, nice eyes, green almost teal. His brown hair was cut close to his scalp, and his muscles tugged slightly at the arms and across the chest of his grey T-shirt. She made eye contact and smiled, taking the lip gloss out of his hand, letting her fingers trail lightly over his rough palm. "Thanks" she said arching her eyebrow and half grinning. He nodded no problem and a slow but very sexy smile spread across his mouth reveling a small chip in his front left tooth. She turned dropping her lip gloss back into her bag and gathered her hair into a loose pile of amber curls and secured it with the clip.

The line moved ahead one person and her mind started to wander again. She was picturing the new man of her dreams. Standing just inches behind her. She could feel the heat coming of his body, and his breath on the back of her neck. That's him she thought. The man she had been asking all her friends about. She had thought that his kind had all died out. Leaving only the touchy feely, let's talk, and cuddle afterwards, types behind. She knew what she wanted and he was standing behind her in Carharts and cement encrusted work boots. As the line moved ahead again she became aware that she may never get the chance to see this man again. So she decided to go after him. She wouldn't be as blatant as she wanted to be, but she would send the signals, if he bit then she'd go for it. She used all her tried and tested moves. She rolled her shoulders and let one of the thin straps of her dress fall down her arm. Then she started to gently rub her shoulders and neck. Letting out low almost inaudible moans when she hit certain spots. She heard him inhale and take step closer to her. That's it she thought his appetite has been piqued. As she swayed gently back and forth on her three inch heels as she hummed along with the music coming from the headphones of the kid in front of her. She couldn't quite place the song but she knew the tune well enough to hum. She shifted her weight and took a slight step back with her left foot, leaning herself directly into his personal space. She didn't realize how close he was standing, and she landed almost directly on top of his foot. She felt his hand catch her on her hip as she turned to apologize. They locked eyes and she gave a small smile and said "I'm sorry I was daydreaming a bit there." He looked her up and down and with his hand still resting on her hip said "No apology needed. What were you daydreaming about?" she leaned in real close, placed her hand on his chest, looked up into his eyes and said "You." She could she a slight blush rise into his cheeks. Barely noticeable through his deep tan but it was there. He introduced himself taking his hand off her hip to shake hers. "I insist that all woman who daydream about me at least know my first name, I'm Matt." "Lilly." she answered loving the way his hand completely enveloped her own. "It's a hot one." He said giving a sideways nod toward the window. "Yes it is." Lilly replied thinking more of him than the weather. The line moved ahead and Matt placed his hand on the small of Lilly's back guiding her forward. "What would you say to a drink, after we are done with our banking that is." "I would say yes. As long as it's a cold one." "I promise." he said as he pointed to an open teller who was giving Lilly the impatient evil eye. She finished up her bank business and stood aside waiting for Matt and smiling to herself for being so adventurous. Matt finished up and dropped his wallet back into the square indent in his back pocket. "Ready?" he asked as he put his big hand on Lilly's back and led her to the door. "As I'll ever be." she replied.

"Should we take separate cars?" Lilly asked with no idea where they were going. She was more nervous that she thought she should be. Things that her grandmother had always warned her about were floating through her head. Some long stories about why men are horrible, others as simple as don't talk to strangers. "No need, there's a pretty good bar right up the street, they even serve food if you're hungry." "Oh perfect!" Lilly replied loving the way that his hand floated from her back to her hip to her elbow. It was nice feeling his need to touch her. "So you wanna elaborate on that daydream you were having about me?" "Um..." Lilly stammered trying to compose herself, she had been daydreaming about him but it was really nothing specific, just him being a man and her being a willing partner. She stammer out a few more um's and uh's before he finally said "Well here it is, maybe a few drinks with loosen your tongue." "That just might do the trick." Lilly replied with a flirty lilt in her voice. It was a nice bar she had to give him that. Very much in the theme of an old gentleman's smoking room. Lots of dark wood, plush crimson fabrics, vintage cigar advertisements hanging on the walls, and a very comfortable looking leather couch pushed against the far wall. Matt pointed to a small booth nestled in the far dark corner. Lilly made her way through the Friday "quittin' time" crowd to the booth very aware of how close matt was walking behind her. She slid into one side and he took the other. The table was a narrow plank of dark wood. The booth had very high backs on either side, giving it a very private feel. Mat's knees touched hers under the table and a wave of heat flashed over Lilly's skin. "So, Lilly what do you do." They made small talk for a while until it became obvious that no waitress was going to come over to this lonely booth in the corner. "Did you want some dinner or just a drink?" "Just a drink is fine with me." "Well what'll ya have?" Matt Joked mimicking the waitress in every truck stop diner scene ever filmed, the snapping of the gum and all. Lilly couldn't help but smile. "I'll take a crown and seven" Matt looked at her impressed "I like a girl who can hold her whiskey." he said a half smile creeping across his mouth. He winked as he turned and made his way to the bar. Lilly took the time to think about what she was actually doing here. No biggie she was having a drink. With a complete stranger a voice in her head warned. Not for the first time she reminded herself. How else did people meet. Everyone you've ever known was once a complete stranger. That seemed to quiet the voice that sounded suspiciously like her grandmother. Matt returned with a beer for him and a tall glass with very little ice for Lilly. "Are you trying to get me drunk?" she asked playfully. "Hey I just want to hear about this daydream." Matt held his hands up in mock innocence. "Fair enough." Lilly said taking a long sip from her glass. She felt the whiskey warm her throat as she swallowed. She realized Matt was sitting quietly waiting for this daydream that she hadn't really put much thought into. She thought for a minute and then began telling him a more detailed version of what she had thought of in line at the bank. "Well you see, I live on the fifth floor of this apartment building downtown, and I was just picturing taking you back there with me. But you see, in my fantasy, the elevator was broken so we had to take the stairs. As we were walking up, you traced your hand up one of my thighs." As she said this Matt did just that under the narrow table. Lilly felt an instant moistening all over her body. "Then what?" Matt asked, a sheepish grin on his stubbled face. "Well..." Lilly said, taking a deep breath to steady her voice. "I reached down taking your hand and led it up to my lips slowly taking one long finger and gently placed it in my mouth." Matt held his hand out to her above the table. Lilly just looked at him and arched her eyebrow seductively. She looked around, making sure no one was looking and she did exactly as she had just described. She took his left hand in hers, once again impressed that his hand was so much larger than her own. She ducked her chin and licked her lips, and slowly took his middle finger into her cool wet mouth, tracing her tongue around it and nibbling slightly as she withdrew it. Matt stared at her with fire in his blue green eyes, and mouthed the words "And then." Lilly smiled and still holding his hand, tracing her fingers over his rough palm and calloused fingers continued with her dirty little fantasy. "Well obviously after that you couldn't stand it anymore. We never made it to my apartment, you bent me over right there, against the railing. You lifted my dress, and tore my panties off." She stopped and took another long sip of her drink. Matt sat wordlessly on the other side of the narrow table. One hand in Lilly's and the other slowly tracing the bare skin of her knee and inner thigh. "Then..." Matt encouraged her. " We'll just have to see how that one ends." she said teasingly. "We sure will." Matt said with a slight disappointed hope in his voice.

They drank three more rounds and continued with the normal small talk of getting to know one another. It seemed as if there was no one else in the bar or at least no one else that mattered. Matt barely looked up when the large chested, barely clothed, waitress finally did come to their booth. "Can I get you folks anything to eat?" "I think just another round of drinks and the check." Matt said with his head turned toward her but his eyes never leaving Lilly's. "We're going to be leaving real soon." he added with a wink. "Ok I'll be right back with those drinks!" Lilly looked at him surprised and a bit turned on at his forwardness. "So where are 'we' going when 'we' leave?" "Well if you are up for it I thought we could go back to my place." She looked at him her brow wrinkled with consideration. "It's only got one floor. We'll make inside in plenty of time." He teased. "Well I guess a girl can't argue with that kind of reasoning." "She certainly Can't" Matt said with a wink. He stood dropping three twenties on the table and reached for Lilly's hand. She looked at him, surprise in her green eyes. "We're not even going to wait for the check?" "That should cover it, with a generous tip I might add." He wiggled his fingers at her and she reached for his hand. They snaked their way back to the exit. Lilly loving the feel of Matt's strong hand in hers.


"I'll follow you." She said pointing to her car parked only a few spaces away from the entrance to the bank. "Ok" He said pointing to his dark green pick up parked a few spaces up from her. "Hey Wait!" He called walking back towards her. She was fishing her keys out of her bag. "Wha..." She got the word halfway out before he was on top of her. He pushed her against her car both hands planted firmly on the roof and his hips as close as they could get to Lilly's. She had her hands on his chest and slid one up to the back of his neck. She pulled herself closer to him and he kissed her hungrily. She pulled back Bringing his bottom lip with her between her teeth. "What was that?" she asked breathlessly. "Just a little preview." Matt winked and pressed his hips into hers again. A lot of words describing that preview came to mind but little was definitely not one of them. "Don't lose me." Lilly said tugging at the chest of his T-shirt. "Not a chance." He said with a wink and sauntered to his truck.

The twenty-two minute drive was the longest twenty two minutes of Lilly's life. They drove farther and farther away from the small center of the town. Past the old saw mill and out over the bridge the was said to be haunted. Just as Lilly was starting to have second thoughts Matt turned down a road that was really no more than a dirt path cut into the trees and Lilly started to get nervous. "He's bringing me out into the woods to kill me I just know it" she thought. Just as she was seriously thinking about turning around and driving as fast as she could out of this place, a small unfinished cabin came into view. It was beautiful in the summer night's fading light. It had the skeleton of a wrap around porch and a intricately carved large wooden front door. There were bits and pieces of the inside of the house peaking through the cabin's large, low windows. Lilly parked behind mat's truck and got out of the car. "This is beautiful" she said meaning it to be more powerful than she was sure it sounded. "Thanks I built it myself. I don't get a lot of spare time but I steal any second I get. It's taken my a little over three years to get this far I figure I should be done with the porch by the end of the summer. After that it's mostly cosmetic stuff. Better cabinets for the kitchen, A bigger shower. Stuff like that" Lilly studied his face as he was talking about his creation. It really was more of a work of art than a just a house. He looked so proud as he spoke, And he had every right to, the house was amazing. Matt shook his head a little to clear the picture of the finished house from his mind. He had a guest to entertain after all. "Shall we?" he asked nodding in the direction of the house. "We shall" Lilly answered walking a few steps ahead of him.

As she walked up the few steps there were to the porch Matt gently ran his hand up her outer thigh. "Don't start what you can't finish." Lilly teased "Oh I have every intention of finishing this." Matt said in answer. "Really?" Lilly asked as she turned and leaned against the heavy wooden door. "Really." Matt said as he pushed her back against the door and leaned into her, the length of his body pressing against hers. He kissed his way up her neck biting her ear, his hands tracing over her entire body. He Kissed her hard on the mouth. The stubble on his chin scratching her skin. Lilly's whole body was quivering with anticipation. She gently pushed him back away from her and said "Hey you promised we'd make it inside in time." She reached down and placed her hand on the sizeable bulge just beneath the stiff canvas of his pants. "And if we keep at it at this pace I don't think we will." "Goof proint" Matt muttered his lips still on her neck. He backed up slightly allowing Lilly to turn around while he found his house key. Matt hooked his arm around her waist and pulled her to him while he unlocked the door. Kissing her neck and rubbing her stomach the whole time. They walked in like that and Lilly was taken aback by how beautiful the inside of the house was as well. It had an open floor plan. With steep stairs running up the middle. They led to, from what Lilly could see, a small loft bedroom with a low bed and a large skylight. "Hey! You lied to me. You said it was only one floor" Lilly said pointing the the stairs. "Well that's really only half a floor." Matt joked. "So it was really only a half lie." He was in the kitchen which was off to the left it was beautiful as well with a granite topped island a few feet from the sink, that was cluttered with things that told Lilly hints about Matt. There was a large wooden bowl filled with fruit. There were a few scraps of paper with rough sketches of the house, cabinets, and what looked like a small barn on them. He was an architect he probably doodled while on the phone. There was a deep porcelain skin, with open faced cabinets above, made from a light pine. Along the entire back wall there were floor to ceiling bookshelves. Scattered among the hundreds of books were framed family photos, and little tidbits that told a lot about Matt and what kind of guy he was. There were antique tools, and interesting pieces of wood and stone tucked in here and there. Lilly walked the small down stairs as Matt took of his boots and set them by the door. She was admiring the small pot belly wood stove when Matt came up behind her "Do you want anything to drink?" he asked his mouth hot on her ear. "I think I've had enough for one night." she said turning her head to kiss him. "I don't know you never did finish that day dream." "Well I told you we would have to see how it turned out didn't I?" Matt nodded solemnly as he held her hand to his mouth and kissed the tip of each finger then the palm. "Well let's go and see." She said as she pulled him toward the stairs.

They reached the top of the stairs and Matt couldn't keep his hands off Lilly. He wanted to touch every inch of her. And she wanted that as well. They stood At the foot of his bed Kissing and caressing each other until he could no longer stand it. Matt reached down and took the hem of Lilly's dress and pulled it up over her head hurriedly. Lilly raised her arms obediently and he tossed the dress off to the side of them. Lilly stood in front of him in only a champagne colored slip and heels. He had never seen anything so sexy in all his thirty one years of life. "What?" Lilly asked reaching to cover herself. "You're staring" Matt was staring he couldn't help himself. "Can you blame me? You are so beautiful" He looked at her, the setting July sun hitting her hair, making it look as if it was actually made of copper. "Alright there buddy you've already have me half naked in you bedroom. No need for the sweet talk now." "It's not just sweet talk, it's the truth." Lilly smiled and took a step toward him. She traced her nails over his chest through the T-shirt and then underneath it. She started to pull the thin material over his stomach but he took the shirt from her fingers and pulled it over his head in one quick smooth motion. He tossed it aside with Lilly's dress, and hooked his arm around her pulling her to him. Her slip glided between their bare skin. He loved the feel of the smooth fabric against his chest but not nearly as much as her nipples, small and erect straining against the thin fabric. He Rubbed his hands all over her body. Lilly could feel his rough hands creating small catches in the smooth fabric of her slip and it only worked to turn her on more. Matt reached for his belt buckle but Lilly pushed his hands away. She looped two fingers into the belt loops and pulled him with her as she sat on the edge of the bed. She undid his belt buckle, un snapped, and unzipped his pants. Matt let out a small moan as she traced her finger nails around the waist band of his dark red boxer briefs. He Put one hand in her hair and took her hand in the other. He put her hand on his growing erection and she looked up at him. He stared down at her begging her to touch him. "Please...." He said almost in a whisper. "Please what?" Lilly asked a devilish smile on her lips. "Do it." Matt said "What do you want me to do?" she teased tracing her nails along the hard flesh under his boxers. "I want you to....to suck my cock." He said with a slight tug at her hair. "Yes Sir!" Lilly joked. She slowly pulled his boxers down below his waist and let them drop to the floor. She took mat's penis in one hand and his peach fuzz covered balls in the other. She slowly licked from the base of his penis to the head. She looked up at him and he gave her a 'don't you dare stop' look. Slowly teasingly she circled her tongue around the head of his rock hard penis. He had his hand tangled in the mess of curls that was her hair and he flexed his fingers absently in pleasure. When she didn't think he could take it anymore she pulled back, licked her lips, and took all of him in her mouth. Matt arched back with pleasure and let out the breath he'd been holding. Lilly only made three or four passes when Matt pushed her back. She lay back on her elbows staring up at him. "Why'd you stop me? I could've keep going." "I bet you could have. God that felt so good. But if didn't stop you I would've came and I want to be inside you when that happens." "Really." Lilly crooned at him as she pulled him down onto the bed with her. He lay on top of her with that slip still between them. He wanted to feel her skin on his skin. Her bare chest on his. He slid his hand up her thigh pulling the slip along. He traced his hand up her leg to her stomach past her navel. He slid his hand between her breasts and met no fabric there. She was braless and that thought alone almost made him come. He cupped one of her full breasts in his hand feeling her nipple hardened at his touch. He pulled her slip up over her head. He sat up on his knees straddling her. She lay back on the bed, in nothing but a pair or black lacy boyshorts. Matt reached for them and Lilly arched her back up to meet his hand. He cupped his hand over the lace panties and felt how wet she was. He Slid the panties down her long legs and threw them at the foot of the bed with his pants and boxers. He leaned down and Kissed her quivering thigh and then the other. He kissed her hips and just below her navel. She was raising her hips up in anticipation of what was coming but instead of kissing her where she wanted to be kissed the most he slid two fingers into her. Lilly let out a small moan and her hands went instinctively to her breast. Matt kept rubbing and pulsing until he made her come twice with nothing but his fingers. He kissed up her stomach, between her breasts, along her collar bone. Then leaning down, he kissed each breast. He gently nibbled her nipple and when she moaned he bit down harder. Lilly gasped with pleasure. "Do you like that?" Matt asked his mouth still hot on her breast. "Yes." Lilly moaned. He then understood that she liked pain and pulled both her arms above her head and pinned her hands there both of them easily fitting beneath one of his. He traced his other hand down the length of her body, the roughness of his palm almost scratching the delicate skin of her stomach and thigh. Lilly let out a whimper "What was that Lilly?" Matt asked a teasing note in his voice. "Please..." Lilly moaned "Please what?" Matt asked the power in his voice matching that of his hand that was holding Lilly down. "What do you want me to do Lilly?" She looked up and made eye contact and held it "I want you to fuck me Matt. Hard. Fuck Me Please" she lay back panting and trying to wriggle free of his hand but it was no use he was strong and held tight. At her request Matt spread her legs letting her try to resist him. He pushed her right leg up with his knee and lifted her left leg hooking her knee over his shoulder. He hesitated only a second before entering her. He pushed deep into her and she cried out with pleasure. He went slow at first, then his thrusting became harder and harder. Just as Lilly was about to come again, he pulled out and flipped her over with ease on to her stomach. With her body flat against the mattress Matt Entered her from behind loving the tightness this position brought. Lilly came quickly and pushed herself up onto all fours. Matt grabbed her elbows and pumped away. He pulled Lilly up onto her knees as he sat back on his. With two more thrusts he came and they collapsed onto the bed exhausted and both breathing as if they had just run a marathon. Lilly lay there for a while catching her breath and not believing what had just happened. She slowly got up and started to put herself back together. She found her slip and pulled it over her head. Matt looked up at her from the bed where he lay, spent. "That was amazing." Lilly said taking the hand he had held out to her. "Thank you for not wanting to cuddle" She said only half meaning it she would have loved to sleep in mat's big strong arms but it somehow didn't seem like it was in the cards. "Who said I didn't want to cuddle?" Matt said as he pulled her back into bed with him. He encircled her in his arms and pulled a sheet up over them. "Goodnight Lilly" Matt said kissing the back of her neck. "Goonight Matt" She answered inching her back closer to him until she lay flat against his chest and stomach. Bringing his hand from her hip to her mouth and kissing the palm she said "Sleep well." but he was already breathing deeply.

I Called Because I Just Need To Feel You On The Line

Weeks ago, against my better judgment, I called you. I was lonely, and sad, and so sick of sleeping alone that I just wanted to hear your voice. You were delivering so we didn't really talk. You sounded very unsurprised to hear from me. Like you knew I'd come crawling back. Which is why I didn't call you back. I figured if you wanted to talk to me you would call me.

Well you did. Sunday night. I was grumpy and didn't feel like talking to anyone so I pretended to be sleeping when my mom knocked on my door. Later when I looked at the caller ID and saw your name and number I felt like I was just punched in the stomach. And now I'm confused. And I miss you again, which for the record, I stopped doing for about an hour.

You told her that you wanted to say happy birthday, that is why you wanted my number. Well my birthday was three weeks ago. So now I'm wondering why you really called. Did you just want to talk. Chew the fat with someone who has seen you naked, knows how you breathe while you are sleeping, has held your hand and laughed with you, sat in your car and cried with you. Or did you call because you, like me, are missing what we had. Cause I do miss it. I miss our jokes, and sleeping in your bed, and holding your hand, I miss kissing the back of your neck, I missing watching the Simpsons with you. I just miss you.

Or did you want to see how I was. Well as you may be able to tell I'm not that great. I'm lonely and sad. And I spend all day trying not to think about it. Trying to tell myself that there are plenty of fish in the sea and all that. But it sucks when the one you want you had to throw back.


Did the other girl, the one you felt you could marry, not work out? Are you just as lonely as me? Somehow I doubt that. You never did seem to have a problem finding someone to spend your nights with .

Was it just that? Did you have no one else to be with that night (and God forbid you spend a night alone) so why not give me a call. Maybe I would have hung out with you that night. Had I answered the phone, and had you asked. It would be so easy to slip back into what we used to do. And how I would love it. But I couldn't do it, not like it was. I couldn't be just one of the many. Just a chorus girl in the stage version of your lovelife.

But I would like to hear your voice....

I Want To Break Free

I have these day dreams about just packing up and leaving.
Driving as far as my piece of shit car will take me.
And starting over.
I'm sure I could get a job somewhere.
Meet new people.
Make new friends.
Sleep in the back seat if need be.
Watch all that's familiar slowly shrinking in the rear view.

Then I snap out of it and realize
No
I could never do this.
I'm too much of a chicken shit.

But just that thought......
Being somewhere where no one knows me....
A new wind blowing through my hair.....
A different ground beneath my feet.....
Faces I've never seen seeing mine for the first time......

It's enough to keep me day dreaming.

It's Just That People Are So Fickle, They Fall In Love At Different Angles.

I was the first girl you ever loved. I guess I always knew that, I mean we said it way back then. When we were just high schoolers. But I kinda took it as just something you say. Don't get me wrong I said it too and I meant it too, I just was never quite sure if you meant it as much as I did. You were home for the weekend and it was kind of just a given that we would see each other, we never can break away for too long. I picked you up and we drove to a familiar place. Where you could drink cup after cup of sugar laden coffee, and we could sit for hours on end with no one really bothering us. We covered all the normal subjects, your new relationship, my lack of one... Why it always comes back to me and you I'll never know. But it always does.

We drove out to the school sitting in my car with nothing to see by but the orange street light behind us. We must have sat there for a good ten minutes just laughing at ourselves for being so stupid. We both knew what we wanted to be doing and it wasn't sitting in the car. So we got out. Hugged in the cold. My knees and hands shaking, and not just from the night air. I don't know what it is about you, but you can always make me feel that way. Like I'm about to have my very first kiss all over again. We walked down to the swing set, and in a way that felt very much like foreplay, I swung and you stood there watching. We talked. We touched. We laughed. We hugged. And I shook. I waited for the kiss, the one that always comes when we are around each other, but it never came. I felt it. Right there. Moments from happening. While we stood there, foreheads pressed together, your arms lingering around my waist. I was surprised and I little disappointed when you said we should get going. But I knew it was probably for the best. If we had started kissing I don't think I could have stopped.

When I dropped you off we sat in the car for a few minutes again. The front seat full of that energy that only happens with you. We hugged, then I leaned in and kissed you. 'Just one' I said as if that would ever be true. You ducked you head in a your lips met mine again and stayed longer this time. And it was amazing. That kiss only belongs to you. I've kissed a lot of people but that one only happens with your lips. You finally left the safety of the car, back into the real world. Where you have a girlfriend. And she isn't me. Back to 2004, where we are not high schoolers and our kisses hold no magic. Back to where I am lonely, and unloved.

That night I drove home with a smile, and it wasn't only the kisses that left it on my lips. Seeing you, talking to you that night, it gave me hope. You loved me once. Maybe that means I'm not that damaged. I'm not as bad off as I seem to be. Maybe someday someone can love me again.

I needed that hope.
More than you can ever know.

Friend Is A Four Letter Word

So my 21st came and went nothing exciting happened... Sue, Sorrel, and I tried to go out but the only club we could all get into had exactly three (3) people in it...... So we sacked that idea... It was nice to see them and everything but I wish something more eventful than spending a bunch of time getting ready took place.... I looked really hot that night too! If I do say so myself and I was sooo looking forward to having guys all over me... Cause that so often happens... But It was my birthday and I wanted to feel hot... Instead we came back to my house and watched a little bit of a DVD but they started to fall asleep and then went home... It was such an eventful night I can't even write it all down in this here blog.....

Now don't get me wrong I love them both. To death. I could not live without them ... But they are both in happy relationships, and I, as we all know, am not in one at all... Happy or otherwise... sooo to listen to them talk about their boyfriends and how happy they are and how perfect and in love and bla bla bla.... Made me want to do unkind things to them.... Slowly

Not too much else going on... Work... Sleep .... Work..... TV... Sleep...Work.... It's a blast.... Wait no it's not.
It's no fun at all.....

But Then If You're So Smart Tell Me Why Are You Still So Afraid

I spent Monday and Wednesday at the Marshall's in Springfield helping set up the new shoe department.... It was how do you say... Not fun.... I had to get up at 5:30 to be there at 7:00 I was not a happy camper.... It was a crappy beginning to the week but whatevs I got paid......

Saturday is my 21st birthday. I'm really not all that excited about it. Susan is coming home and we are gonna get haircuts and do some other fun stuff Which probably won't include doing shots at a bar somewhere. It's not that I'm not happy to be able to go out and drink now... It's just that I don't see the big deal I've been drinking for some time now and it's kinda lost it's thrill.....

Everyone keeps saying to me "Oh now that you can go out you are so going to meet someone" Like that is my goal in life... Yes now I can go out to the bars and meet someone... What a meaningful relationship that is going to be... Besides I don't even know if I want to meet someone .... We all know how well being with guys has turned out for me....

Well I guess that's it for now... My life is soo exciting.....I know you are all jealous.... No need to say it.... I can just tell......

Home Life
Been Holding Out For The Home Life
My Whole Life

I think I'm gonna lay low for a while, we're moving on Saturday and I have to get everything all set before then..... And I think it will take a few days before the computer and everything is set up.... If you need me between now and whenever it is that I resurface you can call or email....

Left My Heart Soaking Wet, Boy Your Boots Can Leave A Mess

Why did you even tell me. Why did you wait three fucking days to do it. If you knew on Saturday night you should've called on Sunday morning first thing.... Before the coffee was even done brewing. Instead of letting me think about you all weekend. Feeling so happy that you were using the word 'we' Thinking that I get to see you on Tuesday....That we would be going off to Worcester next weekend. I was happy with you, with us. I thought I felt a change in you. I thought I was going to be the one you chose. The one you decided to be with. Just me. I guess I was just hoping for too much. You didn't have to tell me any of the details. That only added to the pain. All you had to say was that you couldn't see me anymore, that you met someone else. You didn't have to tell me you feel like this is the girl you are going to marry. That you've NEVER felt like this about ANYONE. Thanks. I get it. see all this time I was thinking that you didn't want to be with any one person when really it was just that you didn't want to be with me. Why would you say all this shit to me knowing full well how I felt. And don't try and tell me that you didn't know. I was fucking falling in love with you. And you knew it. You had to have. If not you must me more stupid then you let on. I knew it was a bad idea to see you in the first place. I knew I would end up in a heap on my bed crying like it was the end of the world. I knew that you would hurt me like everyone else did. But I took the chance thinking 'maybe this time will be different' But apparently not.

You knew how hard it was for me to let you in. How much that took for me to let you see me how I was and not shy away. I let down every wall, I let you stroll right in, I knew I would end up crying and hurting but I took the chance.... Well this is the last time. That was it, I'm done. I was so happy I just don't understand I thought you were too. What I really don't get is why would you start seeing me again? After that week apart? When you knew. You fucking knew. This is so hard for me. I should have cut and run way back when. The first time you gave me goosebumps. The first time my stomach flipped for you. The first time I missed you. I should have got the hell out of it. But I wanted to stay. For the first time in my life I wanted to stay. And look where that got me. Hurt.

If You Call My Name Out Loud
Do You Suppose That I Would Come Running
Do You Suppose I'd Come At All
I Suppose I Would

We decided not to see each other and I really was going to stick to that. Then you called me. You said 'Hey you' and I knew it wasn't over. I still got butterflies when I heard your voice. So when you asked me to hang out I knew exactly what was going to happen. And I was so happy. You came and picked me up and it was just like nothing had changed. That week apart may as well have been a few hours. We kissed as soon as we saw each other. Just the same. I took you to see my new house. The whole drive over your hand still floating from my thigh back to the wheel. Mine still resting on the back of your neck, my fingers absently playing with your hair. I missed you. More that I thought I was going to. I honestly thought I could do it. Cut and run, just drop all the feelings I had for you. Just like I had always done before. But this time was different. All last week I spent my days wondering what you were doing. Missing you. I wanted to call you about a thousand times. The thought that you probably weren't alone was what kept me from the phone.

I know that all the same problems still exist, they are still there right below the surface. Behind the smiles and little kisses. Just under the hand holding and personal jokes. We are still in the same place, me wanting to be with just you, you feeling like you can't do that. I know we need to talk about it but everytime there is a chance I don't want to ruin the time we are spending together with talk about other women and where this is going. I want to enjoy what we have. I want to laugh, and kiss, and touch, and joke with you without having tension between us. I want to be happy without thinking about the pain that is coming just around the next corner. This is a new thing for me. Wanting happiness. I used to run from it. Knowing that the smiles only ever brought on tears down the road. As of right now I just want to smile. I don't want to think about this ending. I want to enjoy it while it lasts however long that may be.

Movin' On Up

So we're moving. My mom dad and I are moving to Northampton. My sister is moving in with a friend in Montague. So long WE HA. No More Hat-Town for me. It's not a bad house it's just a lot smaller and it needs a lot of work. I'll be staying in the basement which is great because that is the only other requirement I have to check off on my 'I'm a loser who didn't go to college' card. I really don't have to energy to move all my shit to another place. We have to be out of here by October 1st. woo hoo ..... I'm so very very bla right now...... That's all I have to report.....

And I Know It Was Me Who Called It Over But I Still Wish You Fought Me Till Your Dying Day

I knew it was over two weeks ago, and I think you knew it too. We sat there in your car among bike riders and couples out for a stroll. Me crying and you trying to make me feel ok about it. I told you I didn't want to see you anymore. And I held strong for about 10 minutes, then you asked if you should drop me off or if I wanted to hang out. Of course I wanted to hang out. So we did. I spent a lot of that night taking everything I could in. Making sure I would remember. The way you smelled, the sound of you breathing deeply next to me, the weight of your cat on my legs, the way, if I moved, you would move yourself to be closer to me, the feel of your hand in mine, The way you would give me little half asleep kisses when I rolled over next to you or put my head on your chest. That night turned into two more weeks of doing what we were. Me feeling like shit every time I knew you were with her instead of me. But being so happy when we spent time together. Little things eating away at me. Even when we were together. You kissed me differently once, and I knew it was because she kissed you that way. Well I guess I didn't know but I assumed. I am glad we had those last two weeks sometimes, but others I wish we had just parted ways that night. Cause knowing you were In Vermont with her all weekend ruined mine. And I really hated that.

When we talked last night and I told you how I was feeling, like 2nd best and I didn't like it, you told me that if I was feeling that way it was basically my fault because you always hung out with whoever called you and since it was always you who made the plans, always you who went out of your way to call me, It was my own fault that you had hung out with her more in the last week. That hurt, and it made me see how little you understand me. I didn't call you because I was afraid to come off as needy. The girl who needs your attention, your time. I was always taught that that was what men hated so why would I want to seem that way to you?

When it was finally decided that it was over, we weren't going to see each other anymore, you were so placid about it. So, 'yeah ok if that's what you feel like you need to do'. That almost pissed me off more than the rest of it. It really didn't make me feel any less like 2nd choice. It made me feel like it didn't even matter if you lost me. No big whoop. It would have been nice to hear you say that you didn't want things to end, that you still wanted to see me, and just me, that you would do whatever you had to not to lose me. So what if these things were just what I wanted you to say fully knowing you wouldn't that doesn't mean it was any easier not to hear them. Then I reminded myself, why would you be upset about not seeing me anymore. You still have her to take up your time, you still have a date when you want one, still have someone to sleep next to, someone to steal the covers from, someone to trade little back rubs with, someone to call at the end of the day, when work was enough to make you want to throw yourself into oncoming traffic. You still have someone. And I don't. That's all it comes down to in the end. And that, my friend, pisses me off more than anything else.

Look For The Girl With The Broken Smile, Ask Her If She Wants To Stay Awhile.
And She Will Be Loved.

There once was a girl whose hair glowed the color of a late summer sunset. All she ever wanted was to be loved and to give love. But she never quite got there. She came close once or twice but something always went wrong. A little slip and that was it. She was alone again. Naturally. When she was young she thought she loved him, the boy with the copper hair and eyes to match. And she did love him, as much as her 15 year old heart would allow. And this is where her pattern began. She broke it off, not because it was going south, or because she didn't like him. It was just the opposite. Things were great and she was happy. But that is precisely what scared her. Happiness. That sneaky two faced emotion. It starts out feeling so right. All good intentions with no ending in sight. But then it changes, morphs into something else. The pain and the emptiness of happiness gone away. That low tug way down in the pit of your stomach. That little voice in your head that tells you how stupid you were for letting it go. It's like a drug. And she became a junkie with him. Learned how to get her fix. A simple ride home. Sometimes that was enough.

It was years before she dated someone new. This boy younger and untrained in the bitterness that accompanies happiness. She was his first girlfriend. His first kiss. Hers were the first breasts he touched. Through her grey hoodie at first, then later with nothing between his hands and her skin. She knew this was not love. Not what she was looking for. But she was having fun. She was young, still able to let her 17 year old body do what it wanted. So they dated. Held hands in the hall. Stole kisses at her locker and behind the band room door. When that ended it wasn't like before, it was very friendly. They talked the next day. Even exchanged a hug or two. But she didn't ache for him the way she did her first. And she understood why. He was a filler someone to pass the time with not to fall in love with.

She kept looking. Her search brought her lips to many others. But in none of those did she find what she wanted. That feeling. Her breath being stolen and her heart speeding. Her hands never shook. Her knees never quivered. And by the time She kissed him she had all but given up. She had packed the ice so thick around her heart that she thought she could handle a no strings relationship. One that consisted of late night drives and early morning returns. That first kiss still lingers in her mind. She can still she them walking up to her car. The stars the only light on that dirt road. She slid her hand into his and her breath caught when his finger interlocked with hers. When they reached her car he leaned her against the door and dipped his head to meet her lips. She pulled away bringing his bottom lip back between her teeth. He kissed her like she had always wanted to be kissed. Rough. Hard. She sees now that they jumped the gun. They hopped into bed too soon for it to be anything else but that. So she was always on her toes. Never letting that feeling creep up on her. Never listening to that voice that said things like "maybe in time" or "he wouldn't kiss you like that unless" She knew deep down that this was not love either. Just time wasting. Waiting it out for something real to come along. But once again her pattern continued and this time a lie was what ended it. She told herself to tell him. Tell him that first night. But she couldn't. She had been telling it for so long that the truth seemed more like the lie than the lie did. So that was that. 7 months of bedding down. 7 months filled with late night invites. 7 months of slowly melting ice. Just to have it all wiped away by an email none the less. The type spelling out what she had known all along. Not love. Not even lust. Just killing time.

Happiness, she's always thought, is a sneaky little bastard of an emotion. She can feel it's eyes on her now. It hunts her in the night. When she's in his bed. In his arms. That's when she feels it's clutches are the closest. It has such a pleasant feeling now. That small swell in her chest. That heat that spreads through her, out of her. But then there is that voice, the one that tells her to wake up. Look at what is actually happening. It's Friday night and you're alone but he isn't. What's wrong with this picture. No this isn't love either. But it has the potential to be. Maybe someday. He makes her laugh. He's made her cry. She itches to be with him when it's been a day or two since she's seen him. But still she knows, sure as she knows what she's felt before, that he isn't ready. Isn't willing to be that one. The one who proves her idea of happiness is wrong. To let her know that it doesn't have to end in a bitter and painful way. And he may never be. So why does she stay. Why does she come when he calls. Why does she never make plans until he has told her his. Because of one reason. It's better to kill time with someone then to do it alone. Alone the time passes slowly. The minute hand ticks by, but it takes hours for it to travel more than five paces. Together hours pass in the blink of an eye. a whole day can be spent laying in bed just being with him. And she's not willing to give that up. Even though she knows his days are not hers alone.

Time is just as sneaky as happiness. It plays tricks the same way. Easing the pain and nurturing the seed of hope. Letting her think that maybe just maybe this one will be different. Only time will tell. But her sense of time has all but slipped away. It's been 20 years. 38 pairs of lips have met hers. 5 men know what she sounds like, what she looks like when she is in that place. But there has only ever been one close call to love, and that was young love. Innocent love. She is starting to believe that maybe there will be no other love for her. Yes she's young. But bitter. And aged beyond her short life. And so the pattern continues. She's just waiting now. There have been a few times, with the current time waster, when the end was in sight. But for some reason it always fades from view. Giving her just enough hope to see him one more time. Forget about the other girls for one more day. Hold out for love, maybe not from him but from someone. There's got to be that. That small glimmer of hope or else none of it is worth it. The high school boy friends. The late night drives to the one with the amazing green eyes. Not even the nights spent in the newest one's bed. Those nights may be the most feeble of all because they seem the most important. It is the freshest wounds that sting the most when the salt gets rubbed in them. Not the old scars. Although they serve their purpose as well. If she loses sight of that hope then she will give up for real and then all of it will be lost. All of it sent to a place too dark for her to see why she held on to them and that just can't happen.

Fountain Drinks Any Size 69 Cents

He picked her up after he got out of work. She was ready and waiting and slid right into the passenger seat. Then it was all leaning over with the console digging into her ribs for those in the car kisses. Nice to see you and how was your day. The drive was familiar but long. His hand floated from the wheel to her thigh and back again. Her hand rested on the back of his neck, her fingers twirling his hair gently. A little less than half way there and it was into the store. Stop to get some gas. Joke about the signs. Have a good laugh. Create a memory. Then it was on the road again. Those curve filled hills that are so much fun to drive. Their conversation flowed easily in and out of joking to serious to somewhere in between. Comfortable. But still exciting. Still happy to be spending any spare second with him.

Pull into the drive way, steal some kisses before they head inside. It was a beautiful night, stars as far as you could see. A little over a half moon. And then it's inside, through the almost comically so squeaky screen door. More kisses in the living room. Up the stairs into the bedroom. Little massages with kisses all the way through. Then sleep. That sweet, dreamless, deep sleep that can only happen when there is another body in the bed with you. He steals the covers. Always has. She pulls the spare comforter off the foot of the bed and snuggles back in. His hands find their way to her side of the bed through out the night. They land on her hip. Graze over a breast. He pulls her close to him. His body mirroring hers. His legs folding in behind hers, matching their angle exactly. His arms around her. His lips so close to her neck she can feel his breath. This is what it's all about she thinks. This is why the other girls don't matter to me.
Because of this feeling
Right
Here.

They wake up in the morning to the sun's slant shadow on the walls. Too early to get out of bed. He invites her back under his blanket, lifting it so she can slide in close to him. They sleep that way for a while longer. Then it's all alarm clocks and snooze buttons. He gets up to make coffee she slips back into an easy sleep. When she wakes alone an hour later she goes in search of him and finds him in the kitchen coffee pot in hand. His kisses chase whatever is left of sleeps hold on her away. They wander the downstairs for a bit, sit out in the sun. Then the kisses change. From the playful little kisses they had shared to the other ones. These kisses have a purpose.

So it's back up the stairs. He leans her against the wall and his kiss says all that she needs to know. He leads her to the bedroom and lays her down. The pillow still holds the indent from her sleep. It's all a flurry of kisses then. Snaps and zippers. Tee shirts pulled over head. What do you want me to do. She instructs him only so far. He takes it from there. Afterwards she lays there. Her muscles in that relaxed heated state that only comes from good sex or a hot bath. He gets into the shower and she can hear the small noises that he makes. Opening the shampoo bottle. Pulling the shower curtain closed a little more. The door opens and he comes back into the room.
She was reading but she puts her book down.
She watches him as he dresses.
And she is happy.

Boy You Still Look Pretty When You're Putting The Damage On

As much as I hate this "relationship" we are in right now I want to stay
I want to figure this out
Make it better
Make it right
This is big for me
Huge
This is the first time I've ever liked anyone enough to stick with it
A very large part of me is screaming RUN in a horse voice that I've heard before and usually listen to
But it's silent tonight
I told her to stay out of it
Told myself to talk to you first
Get a feel for how this is going to continue
If this is going to continue

I'm ready to be with you
Just you
No more of this I sleep with him
You sleep with her bullshit
If you don't want to be with just me than it will have to be cut and dry
No phone calls
No friendly lunches or hanging out
That would be too painful for me
Salt in the wound and all that

I'm scared shitless to think that I am going to say this to you
Because I think I know what your answer is going to be
And I don't want to be without you
To have that last kiss, because you promised the one in my driveway wasn't
To sleep alone again
Have my hand go unheld
My lips unkissed
My nights will go back to tv and cds
Books and magazines
My days will be all work and no play
And I never did like being dull
The phone won't ring anymore
At least not with you on the other end

I like you
A lot
And I want you to know that I don't want the end of this to be so soon
But it can't go on like this
I can't go on like this

And This Little Masochist She's Ready To Confess All The Things That I Never Thought That She Could Feel

It seemed so surreal to me. I knew that this conversation or a version of it would eventually take place but I never thought it would be this soon. It was the little things that seemed to be magnified that made it real for me. The feel of your hand on my thigh, the smell of you all around me, the tan line between your thumb and first finger. The interior of your car, it's tan with little rainbow zig zags have you ever noticed? I was focusing so hard on these things trying not to really hear you. I didn't want those words to get into my head I didn't want to feel them. So when I heard them coming from my own mouth I was shocked.

'Do you not want to see me anymore because of this'

I knew the weight of that question. But I had to know. Those few seconds you took to answer me felt like life times. And my heart sank with each passing one.

'I still want to see you' pause

'I like you a lot' pause

'I just need to do some thinking' long pause.

Damage control took over then. I heard you but I didn't feel it right away. My tears came later. Sitting in my driveway. Still staring at the car door. Up. Down. Red. Orange. Up. Down. Yellow. Green. Up. Down. Blue. Purple. Up. Down. I hate to cry. I hate even more to cry in front of people. I hate it the most to cry in front of someone I like. But there was nothing I could do. I felt the tears coming and tried to hold them back, but the little bastards just snuck out.

I know he was married and that is a big issue. But it took you getting upset for me to see the problem with that. It was always something I wanted to do.

'Haven't you ever done something just to prove that you could'

pause 'I guess but not in that way'

I didn't regret it I didn't feel bad about it. Until I saw that it was changing what we are.

'I don't know if this can ever turn into a long term thing now'

Oh shit oh shit oh shit running through my head a million times a second. Here we go again. Classic. Trademark Emily shit. Be happy then fuck it up.

Just.
Like.
Always.

It got better. There in my driveway. Not tons, but taking a few steps toward the line between better and ok.

'I'm sorry'

'I know you are' pause

'but I don't know if you genuinely mean it'

I do. Believe that. If you can't believe anything else I said this afternoon take that as the truth. Take it as I meant it. I never would have done it if I thought this would be the result. We sat in your car me crying slowly and you telling me you still wanted to see me. At least I still had that. I just like you so much. It scares the shit out of me. Part of me did it to prove I still could, sleep with someone else that is. Like if I can then it means I don't like you as much as I do. I know you didn't (and probably never will now) want a serious relationship so I am constantly holding back how I'm feeling. And I know part of this was just that coming to light.

'I don't want this to be the last time I kiss you'

'This won't be the last time you kiss me. I promise you that'

'See you Thursday?'

'Yeah'

I'm no stranger to the married man

Haven't You Wondered Why I'm Always Alone When You're In My Dreams

I slept fitfully last night. I Woke up about three times an hour. You were laying right next to me but in my dreams you were walking away. You were sick of my Jealousy. Sick of me bringing it up. When I told you how I felt about it, that I understand you two are remaining friends but I just because I understand doesn't mean I have to like it, or even be ok with it. You shook your head and you laughed with you face pointed toward the ground. It was a hurtful little laugh. One that I heard when I woke up, and at times throughout the day. Every time I thought about those dreams. I'd hear that laugh and I'd know it's only a matter of time before I really hear it. Not just in my head but coming from your mouth.

I try hard to keep my stupid girl shit to myself. I really do. But we've been honest so I thought I would tell you. I don't like being with you two it makes me feel like the new kid. You guys know everything about each other and I'm still learning. I hate when she tells me what you like or what you don't. She gives me these little bits of information about things I want to learn on my own. I want to get to know you through you not through some step by step manual written by an ex girlfriend. I really do like her, on her own. We get along we're friends, and maybe that just makes it that much harder.

It's not even her that I get mad about, yeah I feel third wheel-ish around you two but it really isn't that bad. I can see that you two still love each other but as friends. I know you decided to stay friends because you both mean a lot to each other, I get a bit dramatic about it all and I apologize for that. But it's the other women. The hairdresser. The other one you were/are still seeing. I love that we are honest with each other but I don't need to know every single girl you kiss or who gives you her number. Once you sleep with her feel free to let me know but if it's just harmless flirting feel free to keep it to yourself. Over the past couple of days I've been thinking more and more about our 'relationship' and the more I think about it the more I really do like it. It's pretty much the perfect thing for the both of us right now, I think anyway. I've never been good at being a great girlfriend. But then the just sex thing didn't work either. So this is a good mix of the two, I basically get to have the loving stuff, the little kisses, holding hands. Just sleeping next to you is great, but then there are no strings no one is going to get pissed when either one of us sees someone else, because that's what we have discussed. Well I know I get jealous. And I can't promise that I won't ever get that way again. But I can promise no more anger, as long as I know what is going on and where we both stand I think I can deal with what we've got here.

*please note the 'I think' in that sentence.

I Want You, But I Want You To Understand

So I've fallen harder for you then I thought I would. You with your never quite messy hair and top two buttons always undone. While I was gone I missed you in a way I didn't want to. Reluctantly but intensely none the less. I kept thinking how much better it would be if you were up there with me. Simple things would've just been a little bit cooler. Laying in the hammock would have been made better if you were laying in it next to me. Sleeping in a tent with you would have made the ground seem less hard and rocky. But you weren't up there and I was lonely and Drunk.

I found myself buzzy and in his tent. His arms around me, mine half heartedly around his neck. It felt wrong to me. Not wrong like I shouldn't be doing it, because you do it so why shouldn't I be able to, but wrong like it just didn't fit. His kiss was too soft and void of what I feel in yours. His face was soft where yours has always been rough-ish. We did have sex but it was so gentle that word doesn't even describe it correctly. It made me feel....Off. Not bad, but not good. Just a little off. It seemed that everything was just to the left or right of feeling good. His kisses weren't yours. His hands traced over the same places but there was no excitement left behind. I was going through the motions without any of the emotion that should be involved. Before you I didn't get that. Sex shouldn't always be just sex. It's nice to have the feelings in there with it. Nice to have eye contact and little kisses. I feel that with you.

Afterward I felt so horrible. I avoided him all the next day. Hiding myself away in the other room with a book and a few cds. It wasn't him. It was me. I felt like I had done something that was going to ruin everything I had back in Massachusetts. I spent most of the remaining time up there thinking about telling you and how you would react. I'll admit that part of me was thinking "hah now I've slept with someone else too" but it didn't make me feel that way. It made me feel really shitty.

When I got home. When I saw you, standing there in the glow of the street light. It hit me how much I really did miss you. I wanted to stand there hugging you all night. Breath in the scent of you. Run my hands through your hair. Nibble on your ear. Everything I missed for those five days I was without you. Later when we were alone and talking about the weekend I told you. Now you know how I feel about her and that situation. And maybe it's not going to stop you, but now at least when you go to call her or lean in to kiss her, you'll can remember that just last weekend I was doing the same thing. Someone else was looking down at me. Leaning in to whisper in my ear. Kissing my neck. Remember how you felt when I told you that. That low tug of jealousy. It's not fun.
It's not fun at all.

Get Me Drunk, Naked, And In The Ocean
 
When I was Fourteen I stated going to these parties. One for Thanksgiving. And one in the summer just for the hell of it. They were happening years before I was old enough to know what a party, that didn't include cake and ice cream, meant. My friend Karen took me thinking that I was a groovy kid and would eventually turn into a groovy adult. I call Karen my friend but she is really much more than that. She is a sister. A sister that I always wanted. We have the relationship that I wish I had with my real sisters, but that will never happened because I really don't like either of them all that much. She was the first adult that treated me as an equal, talked to me not down to me.  So we went to a Thanksgiving party. The more mellow of the two. I was to ease into it. This first person I met from the group was Carl. And the first words out of his mouth were "you brought me a 14 year old, all young and untrained, just how I like them" And thus set the tone for my place in the group. They are all adults. And probably were thinking what the fuck is this kid doing here? But I think Karen's place in the group kinda gave them the ok to accept me. The Next summer I went to the party not knowing what to expect except a good time. We camped out on the lawn among ten or so other tents. It was heaven to me. I was free. I was in a group of people who got me. Who cared if they were 15 years older than me. As the weekend went on I was introduced to all sorts of new things. Naked fire jumping (which I watched from afar that year, as I was young and still had never seen a penis in real life, never mind one bounding over flames) Bodies painted in glow in the dark splatters. That may have been the first time I smelled pot. There was plenty to drink but I was limited only to ginger ale, which I poured in a keg cup hoping maybe no one knew I was so young. I was still 14 and not allowed near the Famed 'Pagan Punch' but I got the idea that it was bad in that very good way. Carl snuck me a sip or two when we were sure karen was not looking, and while it was not the first time I tasted alcohol it was the first time I tasted something so strong.  I crawled into the tent that night to the sounds of music I had never heard before, Phish and Yes sang me to sleep. Up to that point it was the best weekend of my life. As Karen and I drove home Sunday morning I had the biggest smile on my face that I am sure didn't fade for a day or two.
 
As the years went on the parties became something to look forward to. A reason to be glad it was November. A great way to end the summer. When I was 16 or 17 I was allowed to drink since I was doing it at home anyway it stopped being such a big deal. I was introduced to Crown Royal. My drink now. I stopped being the little girl and somewhere along the way became just another party goer. I've met some of the nicest people and had some amazing conversations.  Last year the party was moved to Maine where it will be held again this year. In 12 days to be precise. I can not wait. Maine is my heaven. The place I will eventually end up. Even if it's just to live there for two days before I die. To be there with these people is great. I am counting the days until we leave, The hours until I can be with these people. The minutes until I have my feet on the grass and a Crown and seven in my hand. And I am counting the seconds until I can finally be in the ocean, the cold cold Maine ocean.

And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will pay no mind
When it won't and it won't
Because it won't
Because it can't
It just can't
It's not supposed to
 
I don't know what made me so fragile, or why I stayed that way. But with one sentence I pulled back. I realized that I don't know what I want out of this. It has been fun, it's been nice. To have someone to lay next to, and hold my hand, someone to talk to, and someone who listens when I talk. But last night it became clear that maybe this isn't what I want. Or maybe just this version of it isn't. It's hard enough to figure out what is going on with us, or even in any new (can I call it a) relationship, but to have an ex girlfriend there, saying this or that and pointing out things that you do with me that you never did with her, just makes it that much harder. I felt the shift as soon as the words left your mouth. You probably felt it too. I had an incredible urge to leave. Just get up and go. Make up some lame excuse and tell you I'd call you soon. And at the same time I wanted to tell you all the shit that was running through my head. Shit like 
I feel rejected.
I feel hurt.
I feel like a big part of you still chooses her and always will.
When she wasn't there It was great but the minute she walked in the door last night you changed.
It makes me uncomfortable to hear you two talk about things you bought together and who is going to get what. I know there is a lot of baggage between you two, but I don't need it and I don't want it.
I'm not her.
I won't react the same way she does to things, if you don't want to cuddle on the couch then just say so.
But you seemed to be all fine and good with it till she pointed out that in the two years you were together you didn't do that with her.
Too fucking bad.
Is it really that you don't want to or is it just that she pointed it out. 
This is never going to work and who knows maybe this isn't working now.
Maybe this all just happened way too fast.
It's only been a little over a week.
There are no strings.
No obligations.
Maybe, just maybe I should do what I do best and sabotage what ever this is. 
Just cut and run.
Get away from you as fast as I got so close to you.

So I am sorry if I seemed quiet and distant last night, but with all that going on in my head I didn't really want to say anything for fear that all of it would come rushing out.  I do like you and I do want this to continue but it's hard for me,  you have to understand that. You got so close so fast and I am running scared here. When you kissed me goodbye this morning and said you'd talk to me soon the first thing that ran through my head was 'what the fuck does that mean?... Soon ... That could mean anything.' I guess I'll just have to wait it out.

My Mama Told Me There'd Be Days Like This
And Man She Wasn't Foolin'
'Cause I Just Can't Believe The Way You Kiss

Bits and pieces of the past few days keep popping into my head. A piece of a sentence, a certain look that you gave me, your smile, the smell of your pillow, the smile that overtook my face when you offered me an old tee shirt and a side of your bed, the sound of my laugh echoed by yours. I was so unsure about what was going to happen. I had how the night was going to go all planed out in my head. We would go to a movie, we would hang out, talk, maybe kiss a little. But my mind went blank when you put your hand on my knee, well not blank, but I forgot all the reasons why you aren't supposed to stay the night on a first date. All those stupid little things your grandmother told you when you were young, her vague way of warning you that not all men are nice. Things like 'no one's gonna buy the cow when the milk is for free' things I never listened to and probably never will. But I was thinking them anyway.

A few days later now and you've got one foot in the door, I'm scared to death about that. It's so easy to talk to you that I forget all the barriers that I put up every time someone starts to get me. You make me happy, and that freaks me out. Now I'm thinking strategically, Which walls do I let you over... What fences do I stand by and watch you climb.... How far do I let you in before I retreat back to a safe place.... A place where the walls are so thick even I can't tell everything that lies behind them. Is it safe to even be thinking this way. We aren't defined, we aren't exclusive, so is it an ok thing for me to let that feeling creep past security.

After so long being not just alone but lonely, it's nice to have someone there with me, to have someone touch me. Someone who takes me out in public, someone I can talk to. Someone who, although he may not be mine alone, pays me the attention I've craved. Someone who listens, and reacts, and holds me, rather than looking at the clock and kicking me out.

Even if it isn't anything solid This is a good thing for me. If it lasts a few days, A week, or maybe even longer...It's a good feeling to have someone say to you "It's ok to be happy. I'm not going to hurt you" I'm still skeptical but for now I'm gonna see where this so-called happiness is headed and just try and enjoy the ride.

GRUMP

I think that says it all....

Call me, call me any, anytime

I was asked for my number the other day. This was very strange to me, not that asking for a phone number is something out of the ordinary, because that happens all the time, but that someone was asking for mine. It never occurred to me that anyone would want it. He's cute. A few years older than I am. He was dating a girl that I work with, which has it's own level of weirdness to it. So apparently we are going to go out sometime. Which is strange as well... I've never been on an actual 'date' I've only ever went out with two boys, and that was in high school so the whole 'date' thing was complicated by needing to ask parents for rides or money. Most of our time was spent shut in the front room of my old house. A second tv room, it was used basically as a somewhat private place, since I wasn't allowed to have boys in my room. Not that my parents didn't bust in every five minutes to make sure nothing beyond hand holding was happening.

The only other 'relationship' (if you could call it that) I was in wasn't really an out in the open kinda deal. 99% of that time was spent in his bed. The times I'd basically stalk him at work adding up to the other 1%. After a while I began thinking that there was something wrong with me. Thus the shut ins, and the close to two words he'd say when in public. Surely there had to be something horrible about me, something so bad he wouldn't want anyone to see him with me. But once I stopped acting like a stupid girl I realized that we were really only able to see each other when he got out of work, usually at about 2 am, so that really had more to do with the non-dates and lack of public appearances.

But needless to say the idea of an actual date is a bit foreign. What will we do, What will we talk about, and most importantly what will I wear.

I taste like Bread. I am a staple in almost everyone's diet. Friends like me are a complement to any other friends I get on with almost everyone, remaining mostly in the background, but providing substance when it would otherwise be lacking. What Flavour Are You?

I'm A New Man
I Wear A New Cologne
And You Wouldn't Know Me If Your Eyes Were Closed

Tonight is a mix of a million different feelings, on a million different subjects. I am at the same moment happy, lonely, really pissed off, in deep depression, and 9,996 other things.

I recently reconnected with an old friend that I haven't seen for about five years. And it's like we never missed a day. We still laugh at the same things, we still can talk to each other about what seems like anything. She grew up, which I guess we all did but it shows more on her. She always was mature beyond her years. Couldn't wait to be an adult, wanted to be on her own, independent. I guess I feel that way too but it seems like I'm playing the part of what she is. She has this great boyfriend now and they are super happy. They have a love nest. They have love. They seem to fit together which makes me happy for them, sad for me...

Lately it has seemed like everyone has a someone but me. The former best friend. The present best friend. The mohawked friend. Work friends. Even the frizzy red haired borderline crazy lady that comes into the store four mornings a week carrying three drinks and stooping over the jewelry tables to see if anything new has come in in the last two hours has a husband. Named James. I only know this because she likes to talk to me for some reason about her life and husband. It seems to me that I must have a sign that people can see a mile away that says "I'm single and really unhappy about it so please tell me about how happy you are with who ever you have so I can feel even worse cause you are weird, or ugly, or smelly, or just really really stupid, Yes please make me feel just that much worse about myself because you can have a somebody but I can't get an anybody." But I guess that would be a really big sign.

Even the former 'maybe crush' has a probable someone. I was told tonight he might have a girl... So you see it's not him, as I thought perhaps just to keep myself sane. It was me I was the one who he didn't want it's not all girls just me. I know that is a bit dramatic but fuck it I'm in that kind of mood as of this second so I will express my feeling about it.

I'm just kicking myself for the way my late night summer whatever happened. I know it was my fault and it ended for reasons I could have prevented, but I'm still thinking that if I can just write the right words. Wear the right colors. Smell like the right flower or fruit. That the next time you see me, or read my words, or get my sent on a breeze. You will realize that you can't live without me for a single-second-more. I know it's all silly girl crap-oh-la and I hate myself for it. Because you don't read this. You don't see me. And you certainly wouldn't know my what I smell like anymore. I wish I could just kick you out of my head. And believe me I've been trying but all I'm ending up with bruises. And not in any good, fun times sort of way either.

You Can Fight The Sleep But Not The Dream

I've been having dreams about you again
Dreams where I say all the right things and you forgive me
Dreams where you say you understand and that you miss me
If I thought the words 'I'm sorry' would mean anything to you
I'd type them out a million times
I'd send a letter everyday
Scrawl it in the sand
Carve it into every tree
If I thought my lips could say the words you needed to hear
I'd talk for hours trying to find them
If I thought my tears could show you how I really feel
I would no longer try and hide them
I've said what I could
And I've tried all I know
But the little voice that says 'it's time to let him go' is still in my head
it's getting louder now and much more persistent
And I'm getting much too weak to resist it
So I'll give up for now
Press delete a thousand times
Save my postage
I'll stay away from the beach
And out of the woods
My lips will stay closed
And my eyes will be dry

Maybe in my silence you can finally find whatever it is you needed to hear

Confession

I am just so lonely

To Face The Present

My mother has her last round of chemo coming up real soon, and because of that she had a long discussion with her doctor. The doctor gave her five years at the very best. One to three months at the very worst. It all depends on when the cancer comes back. It will come back that they are sure of. Right now because of the chemo it has gone into remission, But once the chemo is done it's only a matter of time.

All of this caused my mom to sit me down and have a talk about how I'm gonna be when she is gone. And surprisingly enough she is worried about a lot of the same things I am. She is worried that I will settle for a certain way of life because it's just easier, She is worried that I will push everyone who is close to me away because I am too scared to let them in. She is worried that I will never find a love because I am so closed off.
All these things are valid worries, but I don't want her to be thinking of me like that. I see myself that way and I worry about these things, but I don't want to project that image to other people.

She also said some things that I know I can not change until I go though some serious self evaluation. She wants me to be much closer with my sisters, my middle sister to be specific. But I can't do that because there is just so much resentment there. I know when my mother is gone I will be expected to take care of her because she can't or won't take care of herself. I don't want that job. I can't do it. I can barely take care of myself. If I had my choice My sister would be out on her own even if that meant living on the street in a cardboard box. Maybe that would be enough of an eye opener. Let her know that the way she lives her life is not ok. But how do you tell your dying mother that you can't do something she asks you to. And I know she isn't dying quite yet. But if you think about it she is and has been in a way for six months now.

Le Blog Entry

I spent the day in Rockport Ma. Yesterday. Karen, Tater and I went to see Anonymous Four. They are four women who sing medieval music, acapella, in four part harmony. It was beautiful. It was really the prettiest music I've ever heard. Being on the coast made me realized that I have to live by the ocean at some point in my life. I just love it. Maine would be ideal, and that's the plan. Go to school, get my massage license, work work work, open my own place somewhere in Maine... Living not too far away, and eventually move my business to my home. I hope I hope I hope.

I've really been enjoying work lately. My manager Karla and I were being really silly yesterday and saying everything with a French accent.... It really was a good time. I know it sounds stupid but when you work at Marshall's you have to get your kicks where you can. I got to put together the focal wall today. It's like a big window display, it's a fun project, you get to be creative and pull stuff from the whole store to make a theme. The theme for the wall I did today was "The Bedroom" ooo la la... It was just a fun thing to do and no one seemed to care that I took close to two hours to put it together. I would love to work at a place like the cedar chest or faces where they make those really nice window displays. I love doing shit like that. It's really my favorite thing to do at work.

Working so much has left me with little to no social life. But I have been spending time with Sue here and there. I am so glad she's home. We just have fun with each other. Even if no one else is laughing you can be assured that somewhere we are in hysterics clapping or banging on a table. The high point of the summer is going to be the CT party in Maine! I can not wait. Sue is going with us this year. Be prepared for entries talking about:
*skinny dipping
*naked fire jumping
*married men
*Maine!

FIN