Song On Repeat
And it came to me then that every plan
Is a tiny prayer to father time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU
That reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself
That I’ve already taken too much today
As each descending peak on the LCD
Took you a little farther away from me
Away from me
Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines
In a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend
On a faulty camera in our minds
And I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose
Than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground
As the TV entertained itself
‘Cause there’s no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes ‘round and everyone lift their heads
But I’m thinking of what Sarah said
That love is watching someone die
So who’s gonna watch you die? So whos gonna watch you die?
Saturday, April 07, 2007
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Cause Things Are Gonna Change So Fast
I keep hearing people complaining about their mothers. So upset about her nagging them to come spend some time with her. And I just keep thinking if you only knew. If you could only see that she won't be here forever. You won't always have her
to go to
to fight with
to cry to
to hug
to hate
to love
to have
She will be gone someday just like mine is. And you will look back on that day she didn't let you go to the party you wanted to, or didn't get you those shoes you wanted, you will look back on the day you said you hated her and stomped up the stairs, and you will regret it mostly because none of it matters. Not one little bit. All that matters is that she is still with you. You can still
talk to her
hug her
tell her that you love her
bake with her
play cards with her
cook with her
You can still take in the sweet calming scent of your mother.
You can go to her and tell her you are having a bad day and have her make it better just by her simply being your mom.
You still get to go to Sunday dinner and know you are going to love the food she makes because you always have.
You can still ask her how to make her pasta salad and have her show you. You still have time to figure out how she does all the things that you most love about being home. How does she get the laundry so clean and soft, how does she put up with your sister, how does she make those woopie pies from your youth that you love so much but you just can't get the filling right. You can ask her how she does it all. And she will give you some comforting answer like "I'll tell you someday" and you'll smile and say "I know you will" cause you still think you have all the time in the world to find out. And maybe you do.
But
I
don't
So stop Bitching about your mother and just enjoy her. Take her all in and ask her what you want to know now and make her tell you now. Go spend a day with her, do whatever. Go grocery shopping and make a shepard's pie. Tell her you love her and apologize for the horrible teenager that you were. Let her hug you for as long as she wants to and don't pull away. Take a deep breath and smell her familiar safe calming scent. And just think before you say one more negative thing about her. Because take it from me when she is gone and all you have left is memories you will not be thinking of all the times she said no, or the fights you may have had. All you will be able to think of is all the good things that you overlooked because she was just your mom.
I keep hearing people complaining about their mothers. So upset about her nagging them to come spend some time with her. And I just keep thinking if you only knew. If you could only see that she won't be here forever. You won't always have her
to go to
to fight with
to cry to
to hug
to hate
to love
to have
She will be gone someday just like mine is. And you will look back on that day she didn't let you go to the party you wanted to, or didn't get you those shoes you wanted, you will look back on the day you said you hated her and stomped up the stairs, and you will regret it mostly because none of it matters. Not one little bit. All that matters is that she is still with you. You can still
talk to her
hug her
tell her that you love her
bake with her
play cards with her
cook with her
You can still take in the sweet calming scent of your mother.
You can go to her and tell her you are having a bad day and have her make it better just by her simply being your mom.
You still get to go to Sunday dinner and know you are going to love the food she makes because you always have.
You can still ask her how to make her pasta salad and have her show you. You still have time to figure out how she does all the things that you most love about being home. How does she get the laundry so clean and soft, how does she put up with your sister, how does she make those woopie pies from your youth that you love so much but you just can't get the filling right. You can ask her how she does it all. And she will give you some comforting answer like "I'll tell you someday" and you'll smile and say "I know you will" cause you still think you have all the time in the world to find out. And maybe you do.
But
I
don't
So stop Bitching about your mother and just enjoy her. Take her all in and ask her what you want to know now and make her tell you now. Go spend a day with her, do whatever. Go grocery shopping and make a shepard's pie. Tell her you love her and apologize for the horrible teenager that you were. Let her hug you for as long as she wants to and don't pull away. Take a deep breath and smell her familiar safe calming scent. And just think before you say one more negative thing about her. Because take it from me when she is gone and all you have left is memories you will not be thinking of all the times she said no, or the fights you may have had. All you will be able to think of is all the good things that you overlooked because she was just your mom.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
A Letter To My Father
First off I want to tell you that I love you. You have always been a huge part of my life and I want that to continue but there are some things I need to say to you that aren't going to be easy for you to hear. But these are things that I need to say to you. I feel that if we are ever going to get back to where we were I need to clear the air, and I can only hope that you listen and take to heart what I am saying to you. Please don't take this as a daughter complaining about a parent because that is not what this is. This letter in many ways is what I see as the only way to get through to you. Many people have told me that I may be the only one that you would listen to, that if you knew the way I felt about the way you have been acting that maybe it would wake you up and help you to change...
That being said......
The way you have be behaving is simply unacceptable, When mom died you were not the only one she left behind and I don't think you see it that way. You have been using her death as an excuse to continue drinking and acting selfishly and childish. You are supposed to be the parent in this relationship and for the last 16 months I have often felt that I was the parent and you my teenage son. In the beginning I could look the other way and say "well that is just how he has always dealt with problems" But that excuse is no longer holding up.
Christmas really opened my eyes to how you have been living. When I walked into your house that morning and saw what it looked like and how you have been living it made me very sad and very angry at the same time. You can feed me all the stories and excuses of why there were so many beer cans and why the dishes were still in the sink and why you were passed out on the couch, why you didn't answer the door or the phone. You can tell me how late you were up the night before. It wasn't that you were drinking you said you just stayed up late. But I am calling Bullshit. That morning at 11:30 I stood on your porch with your mother and my boyfriend, ready to spend Christmas with my father. But I never got the chance did I? Even while banging on the door I was willing the day to turn out differently than I knew it would. Wishing that you wouldn't disappoint me like you have done so much this past year, But when you didn't answer I knew why. I knew what I would see when I walked in the door I just somehow knew.
Do you know how embarrassing that was for me. to stand in your kitchen among all those beer cans with my boyfriend, who by the way gave you the benefit of the doubt for so long, until you proved to even him that nope, you weren't going to be ok, and you were going to fall apart and fall back on your old habits. I was so ashamed to have him see you passed out on the couch. To have him see into that part of my life. That wasn't the first time I have seen you like that. And I'm sure it won't be the last time you end up like that but that day, that time, was the very last time I will see you like that. The thing that ran through my mind when I saw you there on the couch was all the times mom saw you like that. All the times you disappointed her when you drank before a holiday get together that she had worked so hard to make perfect. It just made me so mad at you for all that she had to put up with. And that was when I said to myself that I was not going to put up with it. I was going to have a life without all that being an alcoholic brings into the equation.
The thing that made me so angry at you that morning was that you made the choice. You knew what time we would be there, you knew that this was our Christmas together. And you chose to pick up the bottle the night before. You chose to not set an alarm and get up and take a shower and be ready for us to be there. You chose. No one made you drink. No one made you. You let this happen. You have slowly let my mother's house go to shit. You have let your drinking come between you and your family. That was all you. No one else. And I think that is also what made me so sad that morning. That house was what you and mom worked so hard for all your lives. It was finally a place that was yours a place that had a yard and a garage. A place to be proud of. And now it is a mess. It is a place to flop at the end of the day. A place to have some beers and watch the big screen. You have turned the last place my mother lived into a place I no longer recognize.
Another reason I was so sad was that it wasn't always like this. We used to be so close. I remember sitting up late with you and just talking about life. I miss that. I miss being able to spend time with you without wondering if you are hung over or just waiting for me to leave to have another beer. You are not the father I have known and loved my whole life. The man who took me fishing and Camping. and stayed up all hours of the night listening to me talk all about my life and what I hoped it would become. That man is gone.
I want you to ask yourself one question and if the answer is yes than I will stop this letter and I will continue my life without you as I have been doing since that Christmas eve morning. If mom were still here, if she were around to see you acting this way would you be? Would you be drinking your nights away? Would you be alienating your family? Would you be living in a pig sty? I think the answers to those questions would all be no. I understand that mom was your rock, you reason for living. I know that you stayed sober for her for the most part. But just imagine what she would think if she could see you now. I want you to find the strength to live for her even if she isn't here to keep you on the right path. She would hate to see you like this. She would cry if she knew we had drifted apart. I wish I could give you the strength you need, the strength you found in her, but I am not my mother and I am not your mother. I am not going to hold your hand and walk you through all the choices and decisions you need to make, and you need to make some hard ones pretty quickly. You are an adult. You are my father. And it's time you start acting like it.
This is what I am saying to you the reason for this letter, I am sorry to have to say it but it seems to be the only way. As long as you continue on the path you are on, the drinking, the wallowing, the childish and selfish behavior, I can not be in your life. If you can pull yourself up by your bootstraps find that strength you need within yourself and get your life back on track then I would love to be in it. But if you can't do that then I can not be in your life. I can not and will not sit idly by while you dig yourself deeper into the hole you are in. Sorry to be so blunt but the time for pussyfooting around has long since past. I can not condone the way you are living your life. Nor can I have you in mine like this.
So you have a choice to make. And I can only hope that you will make the right one. But if you do I want you to do it for yourself. Do it so you don't miss out on anymore of life than you already have. Do it so you can walk me down the aisle and play with your grandchildren. Do it so when you get to where ever it is that we go when we leave this world you can look my mother in the eye and say I did the best I could, it was hard as hell but somehow I made it the rest of the through way without you.
No matter what you decide know that I love you. Know that this letter was written with love and a hope that you do see how much your life has changed and that you are ready to make the change. The first step will be the hardest but if you take the next will be just a little bit easier and the next and the next.
I love you **your daughter**
First off I want to tell you that I love you. You have always been a huge part of my life and I want that to continue but there are some things I need to say to you that aren't going to be easy for you to hear. But these are things that I need to say to you. I feel that if we are ever going to get back to where we were I need to clear the air, and I can only hope that you listen and take to heart what I am saying to you. Please don't take this as a daughter complaining about a parent because that is not what this is. This letter in many ways is what I see as the only way to get through to you. Many people have told me that I may be the only one that you would listen to, that if you knew the way I felt about the way you have been acting that maybe it would wake you up and help you to change...
That being said......
The way you have be behaving is simply unacceptable, When mom died you were not the only one she left behind and I don't think you see it that way. You have been using her death as an excuse to continue drinking and acting selfishly and childish. You are supposed to be the parent in this relationship and for the last 16 months I have often felt that I was the parent and you my teenage son. In the beginning I could look the other way and say "well that is just how he has always dealt with problems" But that excuse is no longer holding up.
Christmas really opened my eyes to how you have been living. When I walked into your house that morning and saw what it looked like and how you have been living it made me very sad and very angry at the same time. You can feed me all the stories and excuses of why there were so many beer cans and why the dishes were still in the sink and why you were passed out on the couch, why you didn't answer the door or the phone. You can tell me how late you were up the night before. It wasn't that you were drinking you said you just stayed up late. But I am calling Bullshit. That morning at 11:30 I stood on your porch with your mother and my boyfriend, ready to spend Christmas with my father. But I never got the chance did I? Even while banging on the door I was willing the day to turn out differently than I knew it would. Wishing that you wouldn't disappoint me like you have done so much this past year, But when you didn't answer I knew why. I knew what I would see when I walked in the door I just somehow knew.
Do you know how embarrassing that was for me. to stand in your kitchen among all those beer cans with my boyfriend, who by the way gave you the benefit of the doubt for so long, until you proved to even him that nope, you weren't going to be ok, and you were going to fall apart and fall back on your old habits. I was so ashamed to have him see you passed out on the couch. To have him see into that part of my life. That wasn't the first time I have seen you like that. And I'm sure it won't be the last time you end up like that but that day, that time, was the very last time I will see you like that. The thing that ran through my mind when I saw you there on the couch was all the times mom saw you like that. All the times you disappointed her when you drank before a holiday get together that she had worked so hard to make perfect. It just made me so mad at you for all that she had to put up with. And that was when I said to myself that I was not going to put up with it. I was going to have a life without all that being an alcoholic brings into the equation.
The thing that made me so angry at you that morning was that you made the choice. You knew what time we would be there, you knew that this was our Christmas together. And you chose to pick up the bottle the night before. You chose to not set an alarm and get up and take a shower and be ready for us to be there. You chose. No one made you drink. No one made you. You let this happen. You have slowly let my mother's house go to shit. You have let your drinking come between you and your family. That was all you. No one else. And I think that is also what made me so sad that morning. That house was what you and mom worked so hard for all your lives. It was finally a place that was yours a place that had a yard and a garage. A place to be proud of. And now it is a mess. It is a place to flop at the end of the day. A place to have some beers and watch the big screen. You have turned the last place my mother lived into a place I no longer recognize.
Another reason I was so sad was that it wasn't always like this. We used to be so close. I remember sitting up late with you and just talking about life. I miss that. I miss being able to spend time with you without wondering if you are hung over or just waiting for me to leave to have another beer. You are not the father I have known and loved my whole life. The man who took me fishing and Camping. and stayed up all hours of the night listening to me talk all about my life and what I hoped it would become. That man is gone.
I want you to ask yourself one question and if the answer is yes than I will stop this letter and I will continue my life without you as I have been doing since that Christmas eve morning. If mom were still here, if she were around to see you acting this way would you be? Would you be drinking your nights away? Would you be alienating your family? Would you be living in a pig sty? I think the answers to those questions would all be no. I understand that mom was your rock, you reason for living. I know that you stayed sober for her for the most part. But just imagine what she would think if she could see you now. I want you to find the strength to live for her even if she isn't here to keep you on the right path. She would hate to see you like this. She would cry if she knew we had drifted apart. I wish I could give you the strength you need, the strength you found in her, but I am not my mother and I am not your mother. I am not going to hold your hand and walk you through all the choices and decisions you need to make, and you need to make some hard ones pretty quickly. You are an adult. You are my father. And it's time you start acting like it.
This is what I am saying to you the reason for this letter, I am sorry to have to say it but it seems to be the only way. As long as you continue on the path you are on, the drinking, the wallowing, the childish and selfish behavior, I can not be in your life. If you can pull yourself up by your bootstraps find that strength you need within yourself and get your life back on track then I would love to be in it. But if you can't do that then I can not be in your life. I can not and will not sit idly by while you dig yourself deeper into the hole you are in. Sorry to be so blunt but the time for pussyfooting around has long since past. I can not condone the way you are living your life. Nor can I have you in mine like this.
So you have a choice to make. And I can only hope that you will make the right one. But if you do I want you to do it for yourself. Do it so you don't miss out on anymore of life than you already have. Do it so you can walk me down the aisle and play with your grandchildren. Do it so when you get to where ever it is that we go when we leave this world you can look my mother in the eye and say I did the best I could, it was hard as hell but somehow I made it the rest of the through way without you.
No matter what you decide know that I love you. Know that this letter was written with love and a hope that you do see how much your life has changed and that you are ready to make the change. The first step will be the hardest but if you take the next will be just a little bit easier and the next and the next.
I love you **your daughter**
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Song On Repeat
From the very first moment I saw you Thats when I knew
All the dreams I held in my heart Had suddenly come true
Knock me over stone cold sober Not a thing I could say or do
cause baby when I'm walking with you now my eyes are so wide
Like you reached right into my head and turned on the light inside
Turning on the light
Inside my mind
Come on baby its all right
Sunday Monday day or night
Red to blue or white its plain to see
Be mine Be mine
Rainy shiny night or day
Whats the difference anyway
Baby till your heart belongs to me
If I had some influence girl With the powers that be
I'd have them fire that arrow at you Like they fired it right at me
And maybe when your heart and soul are burning You might see
That every time I'm talking with you It's always over too soon
That everyday feels so incomplete Till you walk into the room
Say the word now girl
I'll jump that moon
Come on baby its ok
Rainy shiny night or day
Theres nothing in the way now Don't you see
Be mine Be mine
Winter summer day or night
Centigrade of fairenheit
Baby till your heart belongs to me
Be mine Be mine
Thursday Friday short or long
When you got a love so strong
How could it be wrong now mercy me
Be mine Be mine
Jumpin' Jesus holy cow!
Whats the difference anyhow
Baby till your heart belongs to me
Be Mine- David Gray
From the very first moment I saw you Thats when I knew
All the dreams I held in my heart Had suddenly come true
Knock me over stone cold sober Not a thing I could say or do
cause baby when I'm walking with you now my eyes are so wide
Like you reached right into my head and turned on the light inside
Turning on the light
Inside my mind
Come on baby its all right
Sunday Monday day or night
Red to blue or white its plain to see
Be mine Be mine
Rainy shiny night or day
Whats the difference anyway
Baby till your heart belongs to me
If I had some influence girl With the powers that be
I'd have them fire that arrow at you Like they fired it right at me
And maybe when your heart and soul are burning You might see
That every time I'm talking with you It's always over too soon
That everyday feels so incomplete Till you walk into the room
Say the word now girl
I'll jump that moon
Come on baby its ok
Rainy shiny night or day
Theres nothing in the way now Don't you see
Be mine Be mine
Winter summer day or night
Centigrade of fairenheit
Baby till your heart belongs to me
Be mine Be mine
Thursday Friday short or long
When you got a love so strong
How could it be wrong now mercy me
Be mine Be mine
Jumpin' Jesus holy cow!
Whats the difference anyhow
Baby till your heart belongs to me
Be Mine- David Gray
Scribblings
No longer bitter
But not so sweet
No longer broken
But still a little chipped
No longer faded
But still less than bright
No longer a girl
But now a woman
A woman who knows the burn of pain
And now the soothing balm of love
A woman who is familiar with a frown
But now prefers a smile
A woman who was skeptical
But is now a proud believer
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You are the man I always wanted but never thought I could have
The dream I would rush to sleep to have
And fight the daylight to keep
The prayer I would whisper to the moon from my childhood bedroom
The Wish I made on every first star I saw
You are the prize
The trophy
The golden apple
You are everything I never knew I always wanted
And I am still pinching myself to make sure you are real
To let myself know that you are not some figment of my imagination
A day dream that I will soon be pulled out of
And I take comfort in knowing that you are real
And that you are mine
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Come home from work
Slip off your shoes
Drop your keys on the counter
Slide off your shorts
Pull off your shirt
And come to me
Let me be you calm
Allow me to sooth the day away
Rub the stress from your shoulders
Kiss the worry from you brow
Let me lend an ear to bend
A shoulder to cry on
Let me be a safe haven
Tell me your fears and fantasies
Fully knowing I will never judge
And promise to be all these things for me in turn
Be my solace
Be my Friend
Be my love
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I want to lay under a round roof with you
I want to walk in the rain and hold your fingers to my lips
I want to see movies other people don't get, and get them with you
I want to see you grow older and more wise
I want to watch our dreams come true
I want to like coffee for you
I want to wake up next to you every morning knowing I'll be back under the sheets with you by nightfall
I want to cook bad food and have you tell me it's bad
I want shower visits for the rest of my life
I want to rub your feet after a long day
I want to watch grey clouds blow in and never once run for cover
I want to say goodnight every night with a kiss and an I love you no matter how tired we are
I want to be strong but know that it is ok to be weak
I want to say 'I do' looking squarely in you eyes
I want to feel your old, arthritic fingers wrapped around mine
I want to love you until the day that I die and I want you to be happy until the day that you do
No longer bitter
But not so sweet
No longer broken
But still a little chipped
No longer faded
But still less than bright
No longer a girl
But now a woman
A woman who knows the burn of pain
And now the soothing balm of love
A woman who is familiar with a frown
But now prefers a smile
A woman who was skeptical
But is now a proud believer
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You are the man I always wanted but never thought I could have
The dream I would rush to sleep to have
And fight the daylight to keep
The prayer I would whisper to the moon from my childhood bedroom
The Wish I made on every first star I saw
You are the prize
The trophy
The golden apple
You are everything I never knew I always wanted
And I am still pinching myself to make sure you are real
To let myself know that you are not some figment of my imagination
A day dream that I will soon be pulled out of
And I take comfort in knowing that you are real
And that you are mine
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Come home from work
Slip off your shoes
Drop your keys on the counter
Slide off your shorts
Pull off your shirt
And come to me
Let me be you calm
Allow me to sooth the day away
Rub the stress from your shoulders
Kiss the worry from you brow
Let me lend an ear to bend
A shoulder to cry on
Let me be a safe haven
Tell me your fears and fantasies
Fully knowing I will never judge
And promise to be all these things for me in turn
Be my solace
Be my Friend
Be my love
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I want to lay under a round roof with you
I want to walk in the rain and hold your fingers to my lips
I want to see movies other people don't get, and get them with you
I want to see you grow older and more wise
I want to watch our dreams come true
I want to like coffee for you
I want to wake up next to you every morning knowing I'll be back under the sheets with you by nightfall
I want to cook bad food and have you tell me it's bad
I want shower visits for the rest of my life
I want to rub your feet after a long day
I want to watch grey clouds blow in and never once run for cover
I want to say goodnight every night with a kiss and an I love you no matter how tired we are
I want to be strong but know that it is ok to be weak
I want to say 'I do' looking squarely in you eyes
I want to feel your old, arthritic fingers wrapped around mine
I want to love you until the day that I die and I want you to be happy until the day that you do
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Hold My Hand
And I Will Be There When You Wake.
She comes home late after work. He is already in bed. She slips off her shoes at the door. Steps softly over the kitchen floor and as quietly as possible opens the bedroom door. She sets her glasses on the shelf. Takes off her rings. Her clothes land in a noiseless pile on the floor. She lifts the corner of the covers. Slides between the cool sheets of her side of their bed. As soon as her head touches the pillow he stirs. His 'I love you' is slurred with sleep and his touch is gentle He pulls her to him and cradles her in his arms. Little kisses and sleepy I love yous lull her to sleep. Her last thought is 'I am happy'
The next morning his alarm goes off too early for her. She is half asleep when he comes to say goodbye. Now it's her turn to mutter sleepy I love yous and hug his neck with heavy arms as he leans over the bed. He pulls the covers up a little higher like he does every morning. Making sure she is comfortable. She sleeps uneasliy after he leaves, she always does. After an hour and a half of tossing and looking to the clock every five minutes she gets out of bed. She shuffles into the kitchen to check for notes. He often leaves one or two. She peaks around the corner and there it is a little green post it on the table.She smiles and goes into the bathroom. She comes out and peaks at the note but not quite reading it yet. She does this sometimes. She has beakfast and some tea. Saving the note. When she can not wait anymore she sits at the table. As she reads the familar words 'I love you so much' she smiles and thinks 'I am happy'
And I Will Be There When You Wake.
She comes home late after work. He is already in bed. She slips off her shoes at the door. Steps softly over the kitchen floor and as quietly as possible opens the bedroom door. She sets her glasses on the shelf. Takes off her rings. Her clothes land in a noiseless pile on the floor. She lifts the corner of the covers. Slides between the cool sheets of her side of their bed. As soon as her head touches the pillow he stirs. His 'I love you' is slurred with sleep and his touch is gentle He pulls her to him and cradles her in his arms. Little kisses and sleepy I love yous lull her to sleep. Her last thought is 'I am happy'
The next morning his alarm goes off too early for her. She is half asleep when he comes to say goodbye. Now it's her turn to mutter sleepy I love yous and hug his neck with heavy arms as he leans over the bed. He pulls the covers up a little higher like he does every morning. Making sure she is comfortable. She sleeps uneasliy after he leaves, she always does. After an hour and a half of tossing and looking to the clock every five minutes she gets out of bed. She shuffles into the kitchen to check for notes. He often leaves one or two. She peaks around the corner and there it is a little green post it on the table.She smiles and goes into the bathroom. She comes out and peaks at the note but not quite reading it yet. She does this sometimes. She has beakfast and some tea. Saving the note. When she can not wait anymore she sits at the table. As she reads the familar words 'I love you so much' she smiles and thinks 'I am happy'
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
There Must Be Some Misunderstanding
There Must Be Some Kind Of Mistake
It's been two months and four days and the words "your mother just passed" still haven't sunken in.
Some days it seems as if she's still there. In her little house that she worked for so long to get. I'll wake up in the morning and picture her sitting at the table having her first cup of coffee. But even this memory isn't correct. I am thinking of her in our old house, where we lived when I was in high school. Long before she knew she was sick. Back when our little lives were so unaffected by something as big as cancer. Every morning she'd wake up early. Go downstairs. Make coffe. And then she'd call up to me through the heating vent. "hey kidamaroo time to get up" always and I mean every day 3 minutes before my alarm was set to go off. It used to drive me crazy. Now I wish I could hear her voice one more time, for ten more seconds. Even if it was at 6:07 am.
For such a long time after she was diagnosed I tried to pretend it wasn't that big of a deal. I never really took the time to understand that all those moments really were worth treasuring. the times we spent pulling weeds. The day we made cookies and watched "desk set" on amc. the day I told her I was in love with Matt and she smiled and told me how happy she was. I guess it was my way of positive thinking, I'm not saying I was right about this, but I just thought if I don't think she's sick she won't be. I know she was happy that her being sick never stopped any of us from living our lives, but looking back on it now I wish I had stayed home more often. Played rummy with her, like I used to when I was little. She always let me call my own rummies and she let me change my mind about what I wanted to discard.
I feel so selfish now, looking back on how I dealt with it all. I was too concerned with the fact that I was losing my mom to think about her. She had to look at all of us everyday and know she was dying. Well, in the begining she was optimistic, we all were. But by the time the drugs stopped working and the doctor told us that her body couldn't handle chemo again I think she began to doubt. I think we all did.
My mother was pronouced dead on October 29, 2005 at 1:24 in the morning. But the truth is she died before that. In the last weeks of her life she slipped away quietly. At first it was just that she was losing weight. Then she couldn't really form sentences the way she wanted to, she couldn't think of the words she wanted to use. Shortly after she started reliving the past in her head. She would talk about people she hadn't seen in 20 years as if they had just stopped by. She was asking about neighbors we had when I was 6. In one very clear moment when I had just gotten off the phone with Matt she asked "how is jeff doing?" Jeff was my boyfriend in high school. It was very hard for me to see my mother like this. My mother is the strongest woman I know. My mother was the woman who taught me how to be a fighter, how to stand up for what I believe in, how to have some integerity. And she spent the last weeks of her life wasting away on the couch and talking about her best friend from 4th grade.
When my mother died she weighed 126 pounds. She was bald and naked. She had over 60 tumors throughout her body. She was not my mother. I looked at this woman, this stranger lying there in the hospice bed surrounded by my family and all I could think was this woman is not my mother. There has been a mistake.
There Must Be Some Kind Of Mistake
It's been two months and four days and the words "your mother just passed" still haven't sunken in.
Some days it seems as if she's still there. In her little house that she worked for so long to get. I'll wake up in the morning and picture her sitting at the table having her first cup of coffee. But even this memory isn't correct. I am thinking of her in our old house, where we lived when I was in high school. Long before she knew she was sick. Back when our little lives were so unaffected by something as big as cancer. Every morning she'd wake up early. Go downstairs. Make coffe. And then she'd call up to me through the heating vent. "hey kidamaroo time to get up" always and I mean every day 3 minutes before my alarm was set to go off. It used to drive me crazy. Now I wish I could hear her voice one more time, for ten more seconds. Even if it was at 6:07 am.
For such a long time after she was diagnosed I tried to pretend it wasn't that big of a deal. I never really took the time to understand that all those moments really were worth treasuring. the times we spent pulling weeds. The day we made cookies and watched "desk set" on amc. the day I told her I was in love with Matt and she smiled and told me how happy she was. I guess it was my way of positive thinking, I'm not saying I was right about this, but I just thought if I don't think she's sick she won't be. I know she was happy that her being sick never stopped any of us from living our lives, but looking back on it now I wish I had stayed home more often. Played rummy with her, like I used to when I was little. She always let me call my own rummies and she let me change my mind about what I wanted to discard.
I feel so selfish now, looking back on how I dealt with it all. I was too concerned with the fact that I was losing my mom to think about her. She had to look at all of us everyday and know she was dying. Well, in the begining she was optimistic, we all were. But by the time the drugs stopped working and the doctor told us that her body couldn't handle chemo again I think she began to doubt. I think we all did.
My mother was pronouced dead on October 29, 2005 at 1:24 in the morning. But the truth is she died before that. In the last weeks of her life she slipped away quietly. At first it was just that she was losing weight. Then she couldn't really form sentences the way she wanted to, she couldn't think of the words she wanted to use. Shortly after she started reliving the past in her head. She would talk about people she hadn't seen in 20 years as if they had just stopped by. She was asking about neighbors we had when I was 6. In one very clear moment when I had just gotten off the phone with Matt she asked "how is jeff doing?" Jeff was my boyfriend in high school. It was very hard for me to see my mother like this. My mother is the strongest woman I know. My mother was the woman who taught me how to be a fighter, how to stand up for what I believe in, how to have some integerity. And she spent the last weeks of her life wasting away on the couch and talking about her best friend from 4th grade.
When my mother died she weighed 126 pounds. She was bald and naked. She had over 60 tumors throughout her body. She was not my mother. I looked at this woman, this stranger lying there in the hospice bed surrounded by my family and all I could think was this woman is not my mother. There has been a mistake.
Friday, August 12, 2005
Flash Forward
Emily stood in the garden. The morning mist slowly soaking her copper braid. Her hands were dirty, she never did wear gloves, she didn't like the separation they caused between her and the plants, the earth, the water. She pushed herself up off her knees and walked over the rocky ground, "It's amazing I ever got anything to grow here" she thought, looking down at a blooming star gazer lilly. She rinsed her hands with the yellow garden hose, fully knowing she'd never get them clean, and walked into the house. It was a small house. A modest house. Something her father could be proud of. She stopped in the mud room kicking off her red garden boots and shaking the loose soil from her jeans and worn long sleeved shirt. She walked down the narrow hall slowly, stopping to look at one of the many pictures. It was of her mother, long ago, when she was about fifteen, so young, so strong, she was so beautiful. The picture was simple, just a black and white snap shot of her young mother leaning her head against a brick wall. Her long straight hair flowing over one shoulder. If you looked closely you could see so much knowledge in her eyes. So much love in her smileless lips. If this picture had been in color it would reveal to the seeer that her mother's hair was the same color as her's. Her eyes would have the same grey sky tint. And the same freckles that danced over her nose and cheeks would speckle her mother's as well. Emily reached up and slightly touched the frame as if by touching it she could feel her mother again. It was silly, she knew, but she still did it every day on her way to the shower. When she got into the bathroom she looked at herself in the mirror. How long had it been since she had gotten a haircut, put on makeup? or tweezed her eyebrows? Such things just seemed silly to her now. When she was young she was always trying to fit in have the best clothes or wear the right hair style. As she grew older she grew out of that. Thank god. Looking in the mirror now at age 37 she thought she was the most beautiful she had ever been. her long straight hair, pulled back in a simple braid, had a few strands of grey but who didn't at her age? Her face was free from make up and all of her freckles were visable, as well as the fine lines around her eyes and mouth. She had waited her whole life to be this. Nonchalantly pretty. And she felt she finally was.
She turned away from the mirror and turned on the shower. She loved this shower. She had tiled it herself with cool blue tiles and bright white grout. She had always loved the rain and so she had gotten one of those shower heads that simulate it. She undressed and stood under the rain for quite some time. Just standing. Letting the water wash over her, clear her head. She washed and got out. Wrapping a huge towel around herself, and grabbing a comb. She walked down another hallway and into the bedroom. She sat at the edge of the bed slowly combing through her hair. The mist had given way to a slight drizzle that tapped at the window. It was going to be a beautiful day. She felt movement on the bed and turned in time to see Matt, her long time boyfriend and only love, peek one eye over the blanket. "Are you sure you don't want me to go with you?" he asked his voice still overflowing with sleep. "No, you sleep, I'll be back shortly. I want to be alone with her for a little while." Matt sat up and gently rubbed her back and touched her wet hair. "Ok hun. If that's what you want to do then that's fine by me. I love you" " I love you too" Emily said as he lay back nestled inagain. She smiled as she toweled off and got dressed. Matt was her saving grace. Her life line. He was the only reason she didn't turn into a blubbering mess, all those years ago. Well she was a mess for a while and he let her be one for the right amount of time and then pulled her out of it. If it wern't for him she may still be in that very bed they shared, eyes swelled shut from tears and arms so sore from reaching out to someone who was no longer there that she couldn't lift them to save her life. But he did that for her. He had saved her life.
Emily got into her car and started down the long drive. she watched as their little house with the man she loved so much inside grew smaller in her rear view. Yellow with white trim and a mustard colored door. They had spent months deciding on a color, and it still seemed not quite what right. She thought about other color combinations as she drove the short distance. When she pulled through the black iron gates she was no closer to a new house color but it had taken up the time of the drive. She parked and got something out of the backseat. She could have made this walk with her eyes closed she had been here that many times. Fifth row back and fourth from the left. She sat down, placing the three star gazer lillies she had brought at her side. "Hi mom." she said, tears immediatly springing to her eyes. "I know it's been a while now, since the last time I came but it got so hard. I miss you so much." She choked back a sob and just sat there for a minute composing herself. "Matt wanted to come but I told him to stay home today. It's your birthday and I wanted us to have a little girl time. He says hello though. He is doing well, he is such a good man, but you always knew that didn't you?" Her mother had told her after knowing Matt only a short time "You marry that man Emily Rose. He is good, he will always treat you right." Thinking about that conversation between her and her mother Emily thought of the fisrt night she intoduced Matt to her parents. It was Christmas Eve, they hadn't been dating all that long but they both knew it was serious. She had invited him over for dinner. It had gone wonderfully. Emily's dad, not always the easiest guy to get along with, had loved him shook his had and gave her that look, that 'this guy is a keeper' look. At the time she had just smiled and chalked it up to her dad having another guy around. Paul, having married into a family full of women could sometimes get itchy for the company of men. But now, knowing what she knew, she really felt that look. She really valued her dad's oppinion and she loved that he loved Matt. Later that night after Matt had left, her and her mother were sitting drinking tea, her mother looked over at her and said "You like this guy. I can see it in your eyes, and he likes you too. How serious is this kidamaroo?" Emily smiled at the old nickname and said "I think he's it mom. I can't see myself without him. I know it's new, but I can't help thinking this is it." Her mother thought about this for a while and said "Well, I guess you know what you have to do then." She gave Emily's hand a squeeze and then took herself off to bed.
"Hey kid!" Emily heard it but it seemed so far off having just been so involved in her memory she had to take a second to realize that the man was calling to her and that it was her father. "Hi Paul." She said and then to her mother "So much for girls time." She stood to hug him. They embraced for a long time and then her father held her back at arms length and said "You look good." Emily smiled at her father's compliment. She had on an old pair of jeans, a white tank, with one of Matt's old button downs hanging loosely around her shoulders. "Thank you. You know mom's rule." "No black!" they both said together and then they smiled. After a moment Paul asked "Where's Matt?" Paul had really found a rock in Matt, as did Emily, he helped them both som much over the past years to deal with what they no longer had. Emily smiled to herself glad that the men she loved so much got along. "I told him to stay home this morning. I needed to see her by myself for a little while." Paul smile sheepishly and said "Sorry for barging in." Emily just gave him a playful swat and smiled. They stood there for quite some time, talking some of it, just standing and looking off to the tree line the rest. after a long silent spell She looked over and saw tears in her father's eyes. She hugged him from the side with one arm and just said "I know." Paul nodded his head and said quietly " I just miss her so much." "We all do." Emily said. She hugged her father once more and left him for some alone time with the woman that they both loved and missed so much.
When She got home there was a note on the front door that just said "Follow the stars." Emily looked around for a second wondering what that meant, then she noticed a small wooden star on the ground next to the front steps. She picked it up and looked around only to see another on the ground a few feet away. She walked over and picked that one up too, and saw another a few feet down on the garden path that led into the woods. She walked on seeing stars every couple of steps. There were wooden ones like the first one she saw and there were tin stars and stone stars and the very last star was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen. As she walked into the clearing in their back woods it was all she could see. It was sitting on the picnic table that Matt had built a few years back, proped up against a basket that was filled with pastry and fruit, the star shone like a beacon. It was light blue glass with lead edging and in the very center were the intials M&E. Emily looked around, still holding the first few stars, and then she saw Matt, he was sitting in the hammock off to the side of the clearing. He still made her stomach flip. He stood and walked over to her. "What is all this?" she asked smiling wide. "I thought you could use a little pick me up." Matt said with his half smile that she had always loved so much. And then he held her. And in that embrace was everything in the world that mattered to Emily. Love, understanding, trust, stability, and most importantly Matt. She pulled back and looked deeply into Matt's eyes, his beautiful amber eyes. He was as handsome as ever. Emily leaned her head on his shoulder, her arms around his waist. Matt reached up to touch her hair and said "I love you too."
Emily stood in the garden. The morning mist slowly soaking her copper braid. Her hands were dirty, she never did wear gloves, she didn't like the separation they caused between her and the plants, the earth, the water. She pushed herself up off her knees and walked over the rocky ground, "It's amazing I ever got anything to grow here" she thought, looking down at a blooming star gazer lilly. She rinsed her hands with the yellow garden hose, fully knowing she'd never get them clean, and walked into the house. It was a small house. A modest house. Something her father could be proud of. She stopped in the mud room kicking off her red garden boots and shaking the loose soil from her jeans and worn long sleeved shirt. She walked down the narrow hall slowly, stopping to look at one of the many pictures. It was of her mother, long ago, when she was about fifteen, so young, so strong, she was so beautiful. The picture was simple, just a black and white snap shot of her young mother leaning her head against a brick wall. Her long straight hair flowing over one shoulder. If you looked closely you could see so much knowledge in her eyes. So much love in her smileless lips. If this picture had been in color it would reveal to the seeer that her mother's hair was the same color as her's. Her eyes would have the same grey sky tint. And the same freckles that danced over her nose and cheeks would speckle her mother's as well. Emily reached up and slightly touched the frame as if by touching it she could feel her mother again. It was silly, she knew, but she still did it every day on her way to the shower. When she got into the bathroom she looked at herself in the mirror. How long had it been since she had gotten a haircut, put on makeup? or tweezed her eyebrows? Such things just seemed silly to her now. When she was young she was always trying to fit in have the best clothes or wear the right hair style. As she grew older she grew out of that. Thank god. Looking in the mirror now at age 37 she thought she was the most beautiful she had ever been. her long straight hair, pulled back in a simple braid, had a few strands of grey but who didn't at her age? Her face was free from make up and all of her freckles were visable, as well as the fine lines around her eyes and mouth. She had waited her whole life to be this. Nonchalantly pretty. And she felt she finally was.
She turned away from the mirror and turned on the shower. She loved this shower. She had tiled it herself with cool blue tiles and bright white grout. She had always loved the rain and so she had gotten one of those shower heads that simulate it. She undressed and stood under the rain for quite some time. Just standing. Letting the water wash over her, clear her head. She washed and got out. Wrapping a huge towel around herself, and grabbing a comb. She walked down another hallway and into the bedroom. She sat at the edge of the bed slowly combing through her hair. The mist had given way to a slight drizzle that tapped at the window. It was going to be a beautiful day. She felt movement on the bed and turned in time to see Matt, her long time boyfriend and only love, peek one eye over the blanket. "Are you sure you don't want me to go with you?" he asked his voice still overflowing with sleep. "No, you sleep, I'll be back shortly. I want to be alone with her for a little while." Matt sat up and gently rubbed her back and touched her wet hair. "Ok hun. If that's what you want to do then that's fine by me. I love you" " I love you too" Emily said as he lay back nestled inagain. She smiled as she toweled off and got dressed. Matt was her saving grace. Her life line. He was the only reason she didn't turn into a blubbering mess, all those years ago. Well she was a mess for a while and he let her be one for the right amount of time and then pulled her out of it. If it wern't for him she may still be in that very bed they shared, eyes swelled shut from tears and arms so sore from reaching out to someone who was no longer there that she couldn't lift them to save her life. But he did that for her. He had saved her life.
Emily got into her car and started down the long drive. she watched as their little house with the man she loved so much inside grew smaller in her rear view. Yellow with white trim and a mustard colored door. They had spent months deciding on a color, and it still seemed not quite what right. She thought about other color combinations as she drove the short distance. When she pulled through the black iron gates she was no closer to a new house color but it had taken up the time of the drive. She parked and got something out of the backseat. She could have made this walk with her eyes closed she had been here that many times. Fifth row back and fourth from the left. She sat down, placing the three star gazer lillies she had brought at her side. "Hi mom." she said, tears immediatly springing to her eyes. "I know it's been a while now, since the last time I came but it got so hard. I miss you so much." She choked back a sob and just sat there for a minute composing herself. "Matt wanted to come but I told him to stay home today. It's your birthday and I wanted us to have a little girl time. He says hello though. He is doing well, he is such a good man, but you always knew that didn't you?" Her mother had told her after knowing Matt only a short time "You marry that man Emily Rose. He is good, he will always treat you right." Thinking about that conversation between her and her mother Emily thought of the fisrt night she intoduced Matt to her parents. It was Christmas Eve, they hadn't been dating all that long but they both knew it was serious. She had invited him over for dinner. It had gone wonderfully. Emily's dad, not always the easiest guy to get along with, had loved him shook his had and gave her that look, that 'this guy is a keeper' look. At the time she had just smiled and chalked it up to her dad having another guy around. Paul, having married into a family full of women could sometimes get itchy for the company of men. But now, knowing what she knew, she really felt that look. She really valued her dad's oppinion and she loved that he loved Matt. Later that night after Matt had left, her and her mother were sitting drinking tea, her mother looked over at her and said "You like this guy. I can see it in your eyes, and he likes you too. How serious is this kidamaroo?" Emily smiled at the old nickname and said "I think he's it mom. I can't see myself without him. I know it's new, but I can't help thinking this is it." Her mother thought about this for a while and said "Well, I guess you know what you have to do then." She gave Emily's hand a squeeze and then took herself off to bed.
"Hey kid!" Emily heard it but it seemed so far off having just been so involved in her memory she had to take a second to realize that the man was calling to her and that it was her father. "Hi Paul." She said and then to her mother "So much for girls time." She stood to hug him. They embraced for a long time and then her father held her back at arms length and said "You look good." Emily smiled at her father's compliment. She had on an old pair of jeans, a white tank, with one of Matt's old button downs hanging loosely around her shoulders. "Thank you. You know mom's rule." "No black!" they both said together and then they smiled. After a moment Paul asked "Where's Matt?" Paul had really found a rock in Matt, as did Emily, he helped them both som much over the past years to deal with what they no longer had. Emily smiled to herself glad that the men she loved so much got along. "I told him to stay home this morning. I needed to see her by myself for a little while." Paul smile sheepishly and said "Sorry for barging in." Emily just gave him a playful swat and smiled. They stood there for quite some time, talking some of it, just standing and looking off to the tree line the rest. after a long silent spell She looked over and saw tears in her father's eyes. She hugged him from the side with one arm and just said "I know." Paul nodded his head and said quietly " I just miss her so much." "We all do." Emily said. She hugged her father once more and left him for some alone time with the woman that they both loved and missed so much.
When She got home there was a note on the front door that just said "Follow the stars." Emily looked around for a second wondering what that meant, then she noticed a small wooden star on the ground next to the front steps. She picked it up and looked around only to see another on the ground a few feet away. She walked over and picked that one up too, and saw another a few feet down on the garden path that led into the woods. She walked on seeing stars every couple of steps. There were wooden ones like the first one she saw and there were tin stars and stone stars and the very last star was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen. As she walked into the clearing in their back woods it was all she could see. It was sitting on the picnic table that Matt had built a few years back, proped up against a basket that was filled with pastry and fruit, the star shone like a beacon. It was light blue glass with lead edging and in the very center were the intials M&E. Emily looked around, still holding the first few stars, and then she saw Matt, he was sitting in the hammock off to the side of the clearing. He still made her stomach flip. He stood and walked over to her. "What is all this?" she asked smiling wide. "I thought you could use a little pick me up." Matt said with his half smile that she had always loved so much. And then he held her. And in that embrace was everything in the world that mattered to Emily. Love, understanding, trust, stability, and most importantly Matt. She pulled back and looked deeply into Matt's eyes, his beautiful amber eyes. He was as handsome as ever. Emily leaned her head on his shoulder, her arms around his waist. Matt reached up to touch her hair and said "I love you too."
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